On Wednesday, October 5, Eric and I went in to the OB office for our anatomy scan. We met in the parking lot and before we went in, I asked him what he hoped baby would be. "I don't care, as long as it's healthy", he said. I couldn't have agreed more.
I laid down on the table and she placed that ultrasound wand on my belly. The last time that happened when I was this far along we were met with a baby with no heartbeat. We heard the glorious sound of this baby's heartbeat and Eric squeezed my shoulder.
We are going to take this one home, I thought to myself as we both smiled. The ultrasound tech made small talk as she took measurements of all our baby's precious features; ten tiny fingers, ten little toes, baby looked perfect. She asked if we wanted to know the sex, and of course we said yes. She showed us between baby's legs and we found out we were having a girl.
Thoughts of bows, dresses, dance recitals, and cheerleading practices ran through my head. Once she was done she left the room for a few minutes. I finally got to look at Eric and we both just smiled. I already knew she had Eric wrapped around her finger. A few minutes later she came back to get us to take us to a room to talk with my OB. I remember her taking us to a room that was out of the way of other exam rooms, and it wasn't on the side my OB is normally on. I guess that should have been our first clue, but I was so over the moon about having a girl I didn't notice.
The OB came in and we still couldn't wipe the smiles off of our faces. She looked at us and said that she didn't like the pictures. At first, I thought
Oh man, she said that 18 weeks might be too early to get good pictures of everything. She said I might have to come back in a week or two to get better pictures. If Eric wasn't going to Japan, we wouldn't have had to have the scan so early. I joked, "Oh man, do I have to come back to get better pictures?"
She looked us straight in the eye. I'll never forget the next words she said. "I don't know how to tell you this without crying. It looks like your baby has Anencephaly." My mind instantly began racing trying to decide what that meant. Working with special needs children, I've heard of many different disorders, but this one wasn't ringing a bell. She began showing us the pictures of our baby's head and telling us that the skull was flat, not curved like it should be. She didn't have the top part of her skull. It stopped a little bit above her eyes and then started again on the back of her head.
"What does that mean?" I asked. I could tell it was hard for her to tell us that it meant our baby was going to die. Anencephaly is a fatal birth defect. The tears came streaming down my face and before I knew it I was sobbing. "Are you sure?" I asked. She silently shook her head yes and told us she was give us a few minutes alone.
I remember looking at Eric and telling him that I didn't want to kill her. Then it hit me. When we buried Ian, we bought three plots right next to each other. One for Ian, and then ones for Eric and I. "Where will we bury her?" I asked as I started crying even harder. Could this really be happening to us again?
When the OB came back in, she told us that she wanted to set us up with an appointment in Champaign to get a second opinion. Eric drove me home, I'm not even sure if I remember the drive. We got home and just laid together, him holding me close and letting me cry on his shoulder. We had our parents come over and we broke the news to them. There wasn't a dry eye that night.
The next Wednesday, the 12th, we made the trip to Champaign to see Dr. Skannal. We started with an ultrasound. Boy oh boy was baby girl stubborn. The majority of the ultrasound she was head down in my belly. When the ultrasound tech would finally find a good position to get a measurement, baby would move her arm in the way or kick her feet and roll over, ruining the picture the tech wanted to get. We tried everything we could think of, but baby girl was as ornery as could be. I wonder who she got that from?
Ehem, Eric.
The tech did finally get all of the pictures she needed. Dr. Skannal came in and did a quick scan on me again, telling me about everything we were seeing. She pointed out baby's head on the ultrasound and said that she did indeed have Anencephaly, and told us what we could see on the ultrasound looking down at the top of her head was her brain. It didn't hurt near as badly when baby's diagnosis was confirmed, probably because I had had a week to start accepting that our baby was going to die.
We went to another room where we could talk and ask questions. Dr. Skannal told us that no one is really sure why babies get Anencephaly. One theory is that they didn't get enough folic acid, so she told me that next pregnancy I would need to be on an increased dose of folic acid. She also said that there might be a genetic or chromosomal reason. We decided to do some preliminary chromosomal blood testing to determine if that could be a cause.
Anencephaly is considered a neural tube defect, like Spina Bifida. Before day 30 of development, the neural tube should close over what would essentially become the nervous system, the spine and the head. In our baby's case, the neural tube never closed. That means that part of her brain and the top part of her skull did not develop. Babies with Anencephaly cannot survive for an extended time outside of the womb. No one can tell you how long your baby will live- she might die before she's born, she might die during birth, she might live a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. But ultimately, she will pass away.
We were given two options- end the pregnancy or carry our baby to term. After hearing about both of our options, I was pretty positive that I wanted to carry her to term. But, Eric and I hadn't really discussed what we would do. That night as we laid in bed, I asked him what he thought we should do. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he wanted to do what was going to be the easiest for me. Like either option would be easy on me. But I couldn't imagine ending our daughter's life before God was ready for her. It might be selfish of me, but I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can. I want to feel her kick and grow inside me and remind me that she is just as much a person as you or I, even though her time on Earth will be limited. I asked Eric if he would be OK if I carried her as long as God let me. He told me yes and gave me the biggest hug.
It's not fair that this is happening to us, and I know that we would be the best parents.
Jesus said, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7. I don't know what God's plan for us is. I thought that this baby was it, and maybe it is. I know that our baby having Anencephaly wasn't in
my plan, but my plan is not nearly as amazing as God's plan is. I can't wait for the day when all of this pain and hurt makes sense, fully knowing that that probably won't be until I pass away and can ask God myself. And on that day, oh what a sweet reunion it will be with Ian and baby girl! But until then, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time with our baby girl. And please, keep asking us about how things are going and praying for us to remain strong in our decision and to truly enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. She is still our daughter after all. Until next week, friends. <3
