Remembering Madison and Ian

I feel like I've been pretty quiet on here lately. But these last few weeks have been crazy busy with summer winding down, Eric going to Japan, and a busy photography schedule. A few months ago, I had ordered Molly Bears for both Madison and Ian. Madison's came in while Eric was in Japan, and it was so hard not to open it while he was gone! I might have most definitely cried when we opened the box and I felt her weight in my arms again. A week or so after Madison's bear came in, Ian's bear came in as well. It's crazy how tiny he really was. 

(Shout out to my momma for taking this picture and a few others for us!)

The weekend Eric got back from Japan (I'm planning to have him write something up for the blog so you all can hear all about it!) we set Ian and Madison's memorial stones in the children's memorial garden at St. Thomas. (Thank you Dan and Theresa for ordering those for us!) We placed them right by their aunt Julie's stone. Next up on the list is to get Madison's headstone ordered. I'm looking forward to having a permanent marker next to Ian's. 

Baby #2: 3D Ultrasound

So I'm going to preface this post by saying I'm oversharing pictures- I just can't help it! I think Madison is so beautiful and perfect I can't help but share a ton of pictures. And I'm not apologizing one bit for it :)

On Friday December 30th, Eric, myself, my mom and dad, Eric's mom and dad, my brother and Eric's sisters packed into a few cars and headed to Evansville Indiana to get a 3D ultrasound of Madison. I was so excited that everyone was able to come, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I'm so glad that we did this and everything was totally worth it to see her move around and be stubborn as ever (more on that later). 

The place, Precious View, was set up so nicely. The ultrasound was done in a huge room with the screen being projected onto basically an entire wall. We all had the perfect view to watch Madison hide her face with her hands or smush her face into my placenta almost the entire time. C'mon girl, we just want to see your pretty face! Luckily, she moved her hands away just enough for the tech to capture some great pictures of her. It might have taken me laying on different sides and the tech tapping on my belly for that to happen, but hey, whatever works. Madison was definitely over us looking at her. When the tech was recording her heartbeat for our heartbeat bear, Madison gave a swift kick to the probe. Even the tech felt it! Towards the end of the scan, Madison even put her hand over her face like, "guys, just let me sleep!" It was pretty cute. And in addition to all the pictures we got from the scan, we also got a video of the whole thing. Such awesome memories!

Oh there's just so many things I love about her- those chubby chubby cheeks, full lips, long fingers, perfect little toes. I honestly can't believe that she is mine (and I guess Eric had a little to do with her too). It kills me to know that she doesn't get to stay here on Earth for long, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to enjoy every single second that she is here. Especially with those little smiles <3 <3 <3

So I know the next picture might be confusing (because we were all confused when the tech was telling us about what we were seeing), so I'll try to help explain it. You can see where the mouse is pointing and all of the white lines, that's all of her hair! Then to the right of that you can see kind of a curved white line, that's her spine/back. So the picture is like we are looking at her laying on her side from the back. But seriously, look at all of that hair! I'm so excited about that, because I figured she wouldn't have any hair due to the fact that a majority of the area where her hair would be is gone. Now to dream about if it's blonde (like my hair was as a baby) or if it's brown!

And this one is seriously my favorite picture of all the 100 we received. Everything was worth it to see that little smile. This one is going up in the house for sure!

One Year Angel-versary

December 16th. Last year, I never wanted that day to come. I remember Eric holding me in bed on the night of the 15th as I cried until I had no more tears. For I knew what the 16th would hold. I would get to meet our baby, get to find out if he was a he or a she. But I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to hold Ian for the first and last time. Wasn't ready to leave the hospital with my arms empty. Wasn't ready to plan a funeral. I wasn't ready.

Not much has changed this year. As I sit here writing this on the night of the 15th, I'm again not ready for the 16th to come. I'm not ready to remember what happened just one year ago. Not ready for the "I'm sorry's" and hugs. Not ready to feel the emptiness inside me knowing that Ian's not here.

But life doesn't care if I'm ready or not. Because just like last year, the 16th will come without a passing glance. It won't go without Ian being remembered, though.

About 6 months ago, I realized that I wanted to do something to ensure that Ian's name and memory will continue to live on throughout the years to come. I decided that I wanted to make a quilt in Ian's honor and deliver it to the hospital for them to give to someone who has a baby on December 16th. I stitched the quilt together and my mom quilted it for me. I think it turned out perfect.

I put together this little gift basket to go with the quilt. When I dropped it off at the hospital, they told me that there was a scheduled c-section on the 16th. I had a huge sigh of relief knowing that this would go to someone born on Ian's birthday. I hope the baby born on the 16th will feel the love I have for Ian being passed onto him or her through that quilt. And they will know that they always have a guardian angel looking out for them. 

...

I originally had my blog post ending there, but something happened on my drive into work this morning that I had to share with you. A rainbow. And not just any rainbow, a double rainbow! I don't know what compelled me to look over my shoulder as I was driving into work this morning, but I'm sure glad I did. 

There is nothing greater than God's promise of a rainbow. A promise when I needed it most. A morning that had started out with me feeling down and defeated quickly turned into an attitude that I can make it through the day with my head held high. That I could make Ian proud to call me his mommy. Happy heavenly birthday, Ian. We love you so much and miss you like crazy. I hope you have the best day celebrating with Jesus and the angels!

My Best Friend's Baby {Part 3}

Well, yesterday was the day. The day when I met my best friend Kaci's baby, Orie. The day when everyone came to Kaci and Jason's house with their babies. Everyone, that is, but me. Now that Kaci has had her baby, it will be even more evident that I'm the odd one out. Not by any doing on my friends' part, though. In fact, they've never made me feel more included.

As we were handing out Christmas presents to everyone, Ashley handed Kendra, Kaci, and I a small jewelry box. When we opened it up, there was this beautiful necklace inside. 

I'm a sucker for things with meaning behind them, and it turns out Ashley is too. While admiring our necklaces, Ashley began to explain that on these two circles, there are a total of 13 small diamonds. 13 happens to be our lucky number. If you count us all up- Ashley, Doug, Emery, August, Kaci, Jason, Orie, Kendra, Travis, Desmond, Eric, myself, and Ian- there's 13 of us. I couldn't think of a more perfect number <3

It really was a wonderful day. Nothing beats getting all of your best friends together for a day filled with love, laughter, and friendship. Orie was, of course, just perfect! (And a spitting image of her daddy.) I'm very much looking forward to when we can all get together again, my best friends' babies and all. And hopefully one day, Eric and I will have a baby to join in on the fun. Until then, I'll be giving August, Desmond, Orie (and Emery) lots and lots of extra love. 

Mementos

When someone we love passes away, the only thing we can cling to is what they left behind. Maybe a memory, a voice mail from them, pictures of the two of you together, a note that they had written. 

In our living room, we have a few pictures of Eric's sister Julie. I know his family have some notes from her, old pictures, home videos, trophies, school mementos, even a few articles of clothing. They are wonderful ways to remember Julie and to keep her memory alive for generations to come.  

When Ian passed away, we didn't have any of that. We never got the chance to record his first steps, hear his little laugh. He never picked up a crayon to color us a picture.

But I am forever thankful for the small things we do have.

Ultrasound photos. You can see Ian's ultrasound pictures in this old post. I was lucky enough to get to have a great friend take ultrasound pictures for me multiple times throughout my pregnancy with Ian. If it wasn't for her, I would have no ultrasound pictures of Ian. My first ultrasound for my OBGYN's office wasn't scheduled until the beginning of January.  

Recording of Ian's heartbeat. I am beyond thankful that I had thought to record Ian's heartbeat a few different times throughout my pregnancy. I have a clip from one visit that I have recorded onto a "heartbeat bear". Any time I want to hear his little heart beating one more time, I can squeeze the bear's belly and it will beat away for me. If you are pregnant, please record your child's heartbeat. It may be the last time you will get to hear it. 

This is a picture from the ultrasound when we were recording Ian's heartbeat. You can see his heart was beating at 158 beats per minute.

Hand and foot prints. We were extremely lucky that we were able to get hand and foot prints. Many people who go through a miscarriage don't have that opportunity, usually because of the way their child was delivered or the extremely small size of their baby. Eric and I opted for a natural delivery in hopes that hand and foot prints would be able to be taken. Our nurse worked hard to get some good copies of his hands and feet. 

I took a picture of his prints next to a ruler so you all can see just how tiny they were.

Real pictures. We also wanted a natural delivery so that we would get the chance to hold Ian. We have pictures of each of us holding him, as well as some close ups of his hands, feet, and face. 

Blanket and outfit from the hospital. The hospital dressed Ian in a tiny little outfit and hat after he was born. They gave us the outfit, as well as a small blanket to keep.

These mementos are things that I will cherish always.  

If I can give any sort of advice it is this:
Have your children write their names out for you. Take impressions of their little hands and feet. Save that picture they just drew instead of adding it to the recycling pile. Take pictures. Lots of them. Go visit your parents, your grandparents. Save that card you always get from your birthday that simply says, "Love Grandma and Grandpa." It's things like that that keep our loved ones close forever. 

Trust me, one day you are going to wish you had heard their voice, seen their smile, listened to their heartbeat just one more time. It's worth it.