2017: A Year in Review

2017 is coming to a close tonight, so what better time to do a little reflecting on what the year brought us?

In January, Kaci, Kendra and Ashley threw me the best "baby shower" ever for Madison. It was filled with so much love, fellowship, and a few tears. I couldn't ask for better friends!

March 8th, Eric and I, surrounded by our closest friends and family, said hello and goodbye to our daughter Madison. She was even more perfect than I could have imagined. And I miss her even more than I thought possible.

This year consisted of so much best friend time. These girls are the absolute best.

In June, we took the vacation of a lifetime- an Alaskan cruise! Alaska was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, and every stop on the cruise was more and more beautiful than the last. We are already talking about wanting to go back!

July 11th we welcomed our nephew, Grant Levi Walters, into the world. I would by lying if I said that his birth was easy for me, but I'm so thankful that he's here and healthy. And I love that little guy so so much. 

Our Madison and Ian bears arrived! They are weighted teddy bears to match Ian and Madison's birth weight. The comfort they bring when I'm holding them is indescribable. 

In August we went to Galena for a little weekend getaway- a present from our friends and family at Madison's shower! It was a much needed relaxing weekend before the chaos of fall and school started again. And Galena had some beautiful views!

October was a busy month! I started a blog dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss- Longing Arms. I'm hoping that I'm able to provide hope and comfort to moms and dads going through the same things as Eric and I.

October was the kick-off event for our Jasper County Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group with our Wave of Light Ceremony where we lit candles and read names for babies that we've lost to miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss. Our event was even better than I could have imagined and I'm looking forward to helping and growing with local women as we support each other on this journey.

October also contained the birth of my Godson, Bennett, on the 26th! I totally cried when Ashley asked me to be his Godmother. In November I was able to hold him as he was baptized into the church. I can't wait to see where the Lord leads you, B!

And this December marked three years since Ian has been gone. Here I am with his quilt that I donated to the hospital. It was even more special this year as we know the family that the quilt went to!

This month Madison's headstone was finally set! I'm in love with how their stones look next to each other. 

While the year isn't going to end the way I wanted it to (pregnant), I do have to say that the year went better than I thought it would go. The highs out-weighed the lows, and I was constantly reminded how blessed I truly am. Tomorrow starts a clean slate and a new year full of new hopes and dreams. And I'm hoping that our upcoming journey with Dr. Dayal will result with one of our biggest dreams of all- becoming parents to a baby here on Earth!

Finding Your People (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group)

Picture this. A group of late 20-something friends get together one night for a fire. The boys are all gathered outside sitting by the fire, sharing stories about hunting and catching up on what's new in their lives. The girls are all inside with their babies, I'm sure chatting about how long their baby is sleeping through the night or about how life has changed since their little one arrived. I wouldn't know, though, since I was outside with the guys.

I've grin and bared through the talks about how much baby looks like dad or how breastfeeding is going plenty of times before. But that night I just couldn't. No one questioned me or asked me why I was still outside when every other girl (except for one who came a little later) was inside. And for that I'm thankful. It still didn't matter much, as the drive home with Eric was filled with tears and the ever present feeling of feeling "left out" or that I just don't fit in. Not that it's ever intentional. I know a lot of people do try their hardest to include me/us. That doesn't change the face that the elephant in the room is that I've had two of my children die and theirs are still here. Sometimes, like that night, it's just a little too much to bear.

The worst part is that I'm not alone in that feeling. I've heard stories from my mom along the same line as mine after she lost my older brother Ryan. I had a friend tell me that her mom has felt the same way after she lost her twins. And up until now, people have had to grieve and go through all of this relatively alone.

Last week, the Jasper County Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group had our first official meeting. And it was everything I had hoped it would be and more. There's no bond like the one you have with other women (and men) who have also lost a baby. You just get each other. You understand why you can't go to a baby shower, or why you can't be excited for a pregnancy announcement. This tribe of women that I'm learning and growing with has already helped me so much in just one meeting. And I'm sure the rest of those that were there would agree. We cried together, we laughed together, we lifted each other up in ways that only someone who truly understands what you are going through can do. I feel so blessed that we get to do this once a month!

If you've been through a pregnancy or infant loss and you're looking for a group that gets you, please come check us out. Or pass this along to someone who needs it. I've included our meeting dates for a year in the picture below, as well as when and where we meet. You don't have to be from Jasper County to attend, anyone is welcome! And if you're not ready for this kind of group or are wondering if this is a good fit for you, please come to our December meeting. I promise it will be less "meeting" and more "fun" because we are making Christmas ornaments for our babies! You can RSVP here if you decide this sounds like something you'd like to do. I know that we would love to have you.