Out with the Old, In with the New

We've officially been living in the new house for almost a month now, and things are finally starting to feel like home. 

Last week, Matt Wilson came and had our old house and small barn torn down, taken to the dump, and dirt work completed in five days- can you say amazing! Last weekend we took one more picture of us in front of the old house to commemorate the ending of that chapter of our lives.

On Tuesday when we got home from work, half the house was gone! 

Brady and Ashley took a little time to wave a final goodbye to the house as Matt continued to knock it down. 

By Wednesday all that was left was a little concrete. 

And by Saturday we ended up looking like this.

But I won't lie and say this whole process wasn't a little bittersweet. While our first house together was technically in Pinkneyville, this was the first house that we actually owned. I remember the pride we felt making that final house payment and getting that debt off our back. 

I still see myself crying on the couch in the living room when we found out that Ian had died. I know exactly where we were standing in the kitchen when I told Eric we were pregnant with Madison, and then again where we cried when we found out she too would die.  And that same place we held each other when mourning the loss of Jordan. 

The wall in the "extra" room saw my belly grow with Ian, Madison, Brayden and Ashley, Jordan, and Katie. 

The house was filled with the sounds of baby cries, laughter, and little footsteps once the twins arrived. I'm pretty sure there are dents in the carpet where I shushed them in front of their cribs when they were crying. I could show you exactly where each one took their first steps. The guest bed they loved to play on. The path in the kitchen and living room that they wore out running around on.

There were so many Christmases, birthdays, and anniversaries celebrated in that house. There were tears of joy, of sadness, of anger, of love. We went through our highest highs and our lowest lows there. Grew as ourselves, as friends, as husband and wife, as a family. Brayden and Ashley might not remember their first house, and I know that Katie sure won't. But we will. 

As much as I wanted to finally get out of that house for good, there will always be a tiny part of me that wishes we could hold on to it for one more minute longer. It served our family, and all those families before us, well. 

But now, there's no looking back. We're in the "boo" house (as Ashley calls it), and we couldn't be more excited to see what it has in store for our little family. 

Thankful

It's December, so I guess it's time for my November/Thanksgiving post, right? Maybe one day I'll be on top of things and blog in a timely matter. Today, however, is not that day.

I'm extra thankful for my two crazies, Brayden and Ashley. They brought a light I didn't know was missing in myself and have helped heal the holes left by Ian, Madison, and Jordan. 

We spent basically the whole month of November together due to me having Covid and the kids having to quarantine, so we really got to enjoy the nice weather that November gave us. We spent as much time as we could outside, because let's face it, when it gets colder I am not dragging my butt out there to play with them. We walk whenever we can, and Brady and Ashley have loved finding leaves, sticks, rocks, and dirt to play in and with. 

We were even blessed with some cold November puddles for them to splash in. The little things. 

And when we couldn't be outside, we made the most of our time inside too. I'm thankful that though our house is small, it has served us well through life so far.

Ashley has still be obsessed with her baby doll, and Brayden has drawn a liking to the stuffed monkey we got as a joke for a wedding present. That poor monkey has waited 8 years to be truly played with, but Brady is making up for it. It's been a favorite cuddle buddy when he goes to sleep now.

I'm thankful for Eric and our families. We somehow managed to not get a family picture at Thanksgiving this year, but we enjoyed all the food, family, and fun the holiday had to offer.

I'm also thankful for a basement! We watched as our house went from stakes, to a hole, to basement walls, and we've enjoyed having a front row seat to the action. 

I hope that the Thanksgiving holiday left you filled with happiness and all the pumpkin pie your stomach can handle. I know that it did for us. Now we get to look forward to seeing Christmas happen through Brayden and Ashley's eyes, and we can't wait!

Jordan's Birth Story

I wish I could say that when I went to my 18 week appointment and they told me that our baby's heart wasn't beating I was surprised. But I wasn't. I had had an uneasy feeling about that appointment all day. I tried to remember the last time that I had actually truly felt him move, and I was drawing a blank. Sure, there were times that I thought I felt him move, more than likely convinced myself that I was feeling him move. But I obviously wasn't. And at around 3 PM on June 1st, my worst fear came true. 

Dr. Haller tried to listen with the doppler in the exam room, but I could tell she wasn't finding anything. My heart was sinking. As we went into the ultrasound room and I was met with a still baby on the screen, I knew that he was gone. I flashed back to images Ian, who also laid still on that ultrasound screen for me too. I honestly couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. 

I was able to call Eric and he came as soon as he could, which wasn't near fast enough. I had a lot of time to cry and think as I waited in a back exam room for him to show up. So many thoughts crossed my mind, but the biggest one was why? Why was this happening again. Again we would be going to the hospital to have a baby, but wouldn't be bringing it home. Again we would be going to the cemetery a few days later to bury yet another child. It's probably not hard to imagine that after all of this, Eric and I just felt pretty numb to all the pain. 

Yes, we were both incredibly sad, how can you not be? But after hearing such devastating news now for the third time, I guess our hearts had put up a barrier to not pull us down as deep as we had gone with Ian and Madison. This time was a little different having Brayden and Ashley. I honestly welcomed the distraction that caring for them provided. It kills me to know that they will never know yet another sibling, but I am also thankful that they are still too young to really understand what is happening, so Eric and I have time to explain everything to them as they get older.

We made the decision that at 6:30 on June 3rd we would start my induction. Things progressed slowly at first. I didn't really notice anything resembling a contraction for a few hours. I received my first pain medicine probably around 9:30 or 10 as my contractions worsened. I would guess around 11 or 11:30 my contractions really escalated. I'm pretty sure I got another round of the same medicine I had for pain at first, but this time it wasn't really helping. 

At this point Eric had moved his chair over beside the bed so I could squeeze his hand during the contractions. They were getting stronger and longer. This time was so different from Ian. I don't remember having any big contractions at all with him. I gave birth to Ian without any nurse or doctor in the room, he almost popped out of me without me having to do a thing. But oh this time, this time I was in pain, and a lot of it. I remember telling Eric that if the pain lasted much longer I was going to need an epidural. 

The nurse got the go-ahead to give me a different pain medicine- one she warned that would probably make me very sleepy. I'm pretty positive it did absolutely nothing to help my pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was about to give birth to our son. 

Before I knew it Dr. Haller was in the room. Not that I really saw her, because my eyes were glued shut from the pain. And at 1:01 PM, I gave birth to our fifth baby, a son, Jordan Kenneth. 

He was so different from Ian. Even though I gave birth to him a week later than I did with Ian, he was actually a younger gestation, measuring only a little over 15 weeks from the ultrasound where we learned he was gone. Where Ian was red, Jordan was almost white, and his skin seemed see-through. He had extra fluid around his head and body, which they told us was common for a baby who had been passed for that long. Oh but he was perfect.

Ten little fingers and toes, and the cutest little knuckle wrinkles I'd ever seen. No picture I took of them did them any justice. 

By this time, that medicine that the nurse said would make me sleepy had taken over. I was beat. I soaked up as much as I could of Jordan. I gave him kisses, told him how much I loved him. But I was struggling to stay awake. We said our final goodbyes to him, but our time together would never be long enough. As I was eating lunch after they took him away, I was basically falling asleep mid-bite. I don't know how long I slept, but I do know that sleep finally overcame me. 

I woke up and everything that had happened had truly seemed like a dream. That's one regret I'll always have, that I don't know that I really appreciated and took in all that I could with Jordan because I was so tired from that medicine. My other regret is that I never got a recording of his heartbeat. At my appointment just days before I had had my phone out and ready to hit record once we heard it. But it never came, and now I'll never have it. If I could go back I would make sure to record it the first time they played it for me. That's a mute point now though. 

To lighten the mood a little, I wanted to let you in on how Jordan got his name. Not long after we found out we were pregnant with him, we started talking names. We weren't going to find out the sex, so we needed to have a girl and boy name ready. We had decided on a girl name pretty quickly- Katie- but we were having trouble with a boy name. 

Eric told me that he had a brilliant idea. We already have a (Tom) Brady, who is the GOAT of football, he said. So now, we need another GOAT, a (Michael) Jordan. I vividly remember just rolling me eyes at him. I told him that I wasn't really fond of the name Jordan, but he really didn't care. From that moment on, our baby went by "Katie Jordan" when Eric talked about it. 

After learning that our baby was gone, we once again talked about what we were going to name it. Selfishly, I wanted to save Katie for if we had another living daughter. We threw around the back up name we had for Ashley, but that didn't really stick either. Then Eric said, "I know it was kind of a joke before, but what do you think about Jordan?" 

And at that moment, I knew that Jordan was perfect. It was, after all, his name from the very start.

We laid Jordan to rest next to Ian and Madison on Sunday, June 6 at 2 PM with our parents and siblings by our side. I can't adequately put into words what it is like burying a child, not to mention three of them, but I will tell you that it sucks. No parent should ever have to go through this, and we've done it three times now.

I have so many questions for God, so many "why's". I doubt I get answers, at least not while I'm here on Earth. A dear friend's sister, who lost her son a little over a year ago, sent me this quote from Mother Angelica and it really hit home. 

Why, my child- do you ask "why"? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting beauty- he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of Heaven unknown to men on Earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent posses. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My kingdom and each creature fills a place in that kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into seed, made it grow, and called it forth. 

Sweet Jordan, it gives me peace to know that God did create you for a reason, and that now you are rejoicing in Heaven with the angels and your brother and sister. You never knew pain, or sadness, or sin. Only love, so much love. And while I would give anything to still have you growing inside me, I am comforted by the fact that you are growing up with Jesus by your side.  

Post Mother's Day Thoughts

Mother's Day. 

I really used to dread this day. For almost 6 years it was a constant reminder that the children we so desperately prayed for couldn't stay. It was a reminder that I may never get to mother my own children here on Earth. For all the women missing a piece of their heart here on Earth, and all those women who long to be a momma, I know how hard yesterday was for you. There is no bigger reminder of the things you don't have when the whole world is celebrating what you so desperately want. 

This year was my first full year of being a mother to my children on Earth. It was a year filled with so much joy, so much happiness, but also frustrations, exhaustion, and stress (because let's all be honest here- motherhood isn't all rainbows and butterflies). 

When I look at this picture of Brayden and Ashley cuddled up on the couch with me, I can't help but smile. This was what I had longed for for 6 years. This is what I had always pictured when I thought of myself as a mom. Even though being their favorite person can have it's downfalls- like not being able to do literally anything without one of them all up in my business, it is literally the best job title I could ever have. 

But looking at that picture also brings with it some pangs of sadness, as there should be two more kids on my lap. Knowing that our family (and my lap) will never be totally complete is a huge bummer, even in all the joy that having my kids here with me brings. Balancing grief and happiness is a crazy ride that I'm still trying to get my bearings on. 

For all the moms out there stuck in that weird limbo of being thankful for what you have here and longing for what you have in Heaven, I hope that you can rejoice knowing that one day your family will once again be reunited. 

For all the moms still stuck in the despair of losing a piece of their heart, I'm sorry that yesterday was so tough for you. There's no mother more deserving than a mother who had to give one back.

And for all the women longing to be called momma one day, don't give up hope. I can't promise that you'll finally get all that you've hoped for. But I can tell you that you are a mother in more ways than you know- whether that's through a niece or nephew, a best friend's child, or even your own siblings, you've shared a special motherly touch with them that can never be replaced or duplicated. 

As we enter a post Mother's Day week, let's not forget the thankfulness and love we all shared for our own mothers, or that which was shared with yourself. Let's show those special women in our lives, especially those that are hurting, just how much they mean to us each and every day, not just on Mother's Day. 

Ian's Sixth Angelversary

Ian, somehow I blinked and six years have gone by. SIX YEARS. It's hard for me to fathom that it's been that long since I held your little body in my arms. Six years of missing out on your smiles, laughs, cuddles. Your tears, tantrums, runny noses. Six years of missing out on you. 

Now that Brayden and Ashley are here, I realize even more how much I've missed you. It's one of those things that makes you realize you don't know what you were missing out on until you have it. And boy do I know now what we truly missed with you. 

It's not fair, really. But I learned long ago (a little over six years in fact), that life is far from fair. 

So six years later, I'm enjoying the two gifts from Heaven that you and Madison picked out for your daddy and I. They are a true joy that we don't deserve. 

I know that on someone's birthday, you should be the gift receiver, not the gift giver. But I just love how on your birthday this year you gave Brayden and Ashley their first snow. 

 

 

I wish I could say that we really enjoyed playing in it, but by the time we got home from work and daycare, almost all of it had melted. All of it, that is, except this perfect little patch near your tree. I don't really think that was a coincidence. Thank you for being part of this first for them. Next time send a little more so they can really enjoy it :)

I hope that we are still making you proud down here. We think of you every day. And like I told you this afternoon, I'd do anything to have you here with us. But since I can't change time, I'll settle with knowing that on the day I get to Heaven, I'll get to scoop you up in my arms once again.

Love you always, baby boy. 

Brayden and Ashley: Six Months

I blinked and our babies are somehow six months old. Was it really already six months ago that we held them for the very first time? It's almost hard to remember what our life was like before they arrived. Life sure has gotten more fun since they've been here though!

This month we've been going outside lots to enjoy the sunshine (from the shade of our porch), to play with the dogs, and to go on walks. The babies love the change of scenery and I love the fresh air and nature noises. 

July 16th Brady finally rolled from his back to his belly! He got there, hung out for a second or two, and immediately rolled back on to his back, but he finally did it. By the end of his 5th month he is pretty much a pro at rolling on to his belly. 

On July 28th we took a little trip to the cemetery to see Ian and Madison, and to wish their Aunt Julie a one day late Happy Birthday.

On August 1st we loaded up the car and headed over to St. Louis to see our friends Jaycen and Katie. It had been a year since we saw them last, and it was so good to catch up with them. I think that Ashley found a new friend in Katie, and we all had the best time. The drive home was a little rough as Ashley isn't a big fan of long car rides (or apparently sleeping in the car), but we still only had to make one stop on the way home for a diaper change. Ashley might have cried from Vandalia home, but we can just pretend like that didn't happen, right?

    

                                   

My Grandpa Wolf had fallen at home and cracked his pelvis. He is currently at the Lutheran Care Center in Altamont getting therapy. Thanks to COVID-19, they can't have any visitors inside at this time. So mom and I brought the babies to see Grandpa through the door. When he realized it was us he was so happy. It was the cutest thing to see him waving at the babies through the door and his big smile at them. Thank you to the nurse who let Grandpa use her phone so we could actually talk to and hear each other. The goodbye was a little rough, you could tell that Grandpa really wanted to come outside and give us a hug goodbye, but we plan on seeing him again tomorrow when we are in Altamont for a birthday party. 

We stopped by to see Grandma too, and I know that she was glad we decided to make the short stop to see her.

                       

We are gearing up to start real food here soon- just waiting on the go ahead from our pediatrician at their check up in two weeks- so Eric and I got the high chairs out and set up in the kitchen. I've been putting the babies in them a few times in the last week to get them used to the chair, and I've been letting them play with a spoon and bowl. I can't wait to start this next adventure with them. 

Last night we got together with Nikki, Connor, and Erin (Chad had a Ducks Unlimited meeting that night so he couldn't come) for some pizza, ice cream, and baby play date. I think the twins are officially bigger than their big cousin Emily. And I'm glad we snagged this group photo of them in their jammies with Grant. I can't wait to hear the trouble the four of them get into at daycare together! 

And then some extras I want to remember:

• We are both still in size two diapers, and at this point we are probably going through closer to 12 diapers a day, as they've both decided that it's fun to poop immediately after I change their diapers. 

• This month we have been following two hour wake times, so our schedule looks like this: Wake up at 7, Brady eats an 8 ounce bottle and Ashley eats a 7 ounce bottle (both with 2 tablespoons of rice cereal), naps from 9-10:30, eat and play, naps from 12:30-2, eat and play, naps from 4-5, eat and play, bed at 7. 

• One bottle a day is still formula, and where I used to have to wake them up from every nap, Brady seems to be waking up on his own now, and sometimes well before nap time is over. He usually is able to fall back asleep or just lay quietly in his crib until the end of nap time, but I wish he would stay sleeping a little longer like Ashley does. 

• Since we cut out a nap and then also a feeding, we bumped up the rest of their bottles to make up for the lost feeding. Brady was only getting 7 ounces like Ashley, but he started getting super cranky after finishing eating, so I moved him up to 8 ounces these last few weeks and he is no longer cranky. Ashley on the other hand has been really spitting up at the end of the day, and often is super uninterested in her last one, sometimes last two bottles of the day. Because of that, I've been contemplating moving her back down to 6 ounces for her last two bottles. But then last night she took 8 ounces like a champ at Nikki and Connor's, so who knows. As of right now, Brady drinks 32 ounces a day, and Ashley is drinking close to 28 ounces. 

• Both babies are still in 6 month clothes, but I wouldn't be surprised if in the next few weeks we are busting out their nine month clothes.

• According to our scales and measurements here at home, Brady weighs 18.4 pounds and is 27 3/4 inches long, and Ashley weighs 16.2 pounds and is 26 1/2 inches long.

• Some of Brayden's favorites this month include his jumper, being outside with the puppies, music (shocker on that one I know), and cuddles. He is still a big thumb sucker, especially when he is tired or right after he finishes a bottle. He also still loves to grab his toes. Brady is great car rider and often falls asleep during the ride, especially if it is over 20 minutes long.

• Brady does not like being stuck on his tummy for too long. Even though this kid can definitely roll back over to his back, he usually just cries until you go flip him over. 

• Ashley's favorite thing to do this month is roll. She is rolling EVERYWHERE. I can put her down on their play mat, and before I know it she is under the coffee table (which has been her location of choice this month), or has rolled in front of the bathroom door. This girl will be crawling before we know it! 

• Ashley is also enjoying being outside, and has recently started to love when the dogs come up and she can pet them. She is still putting everything into her mouth, and this month that includes her toes! She likes to stick out her tongue, and has started sucking on her wrist instead of her thumb.

• Ashley does not enjoy long car rides. This girl likes to move, and being stuck in the car seat is not her cup of tea. She almost entirely refuses to nap in the car, even though we know she is so exhausted. I'm hoping that that will get better at some point. She also does not like poopy diapers, especially if she happens to poop while in the car.

• Favorite toys this month include the toy keys for Ashley and sqwish for Brady. They both are loving the animals hanging down from their play mat. 

• Books are also a big hit in our house!

• They are both getting interested in little details of things and how things work. I caught them staring at the shadows their play mat made on the entertainment center the other morning. Brady will look very intently at his hands, turning them front to back and slowly moving his fingers, and Ashley is loving the wheels and trying to turn them on the new book that we got. They have both been super interested in different textures this month as well.

• Both babies have really found their voices this month. I'll just hear them chattering away, not necessarily at each other yet, but they do both like to talk. Ashley has even hit the pterodactyl phase with her screeches, though they aren't as bad here at the end of the month as they were at the beginning. 

• We've been working on sitting up on our own this month. Brady can sit for little longer than Ashley can, and they both are still fairly leaned to the front the majority of the time, but we are getting stronger each time!

• At night we give each baby double cheek kisses, because who can resist each of their big ol' cheeks! Ashley's are the softest ever, and while Brady's are much more firm than hers, they are still equally as kissable. They have both started to enjoy giving us big open mouthed kisses back as well. It might be one of my favorite parts of the day.  

It's crazy to me how fast these first six months of their lives went, and I will forever be grateful that I was able to spend almost every day of those six months here at home with them. I know with our future children I won't have the luxury of staying home for so long, so I've definitely been trying to soak it all up with Brady and Ashley. It makes my momma heart hurt that come Monday I will be dropping these two off at daycare for the first time, but I know they will be in good hands and with good company (I'm super thankful that they will have their cousins Grant and Emily at daycare with them). I know that they will have so much fun getting to play with their new friends, but say a little prayer for me on Monday, I'm sure it will be a tough one!