Two.

Two.

Ever since seeing this double rainbow on Ian's first birthday, the number two has held a special place in my heart. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a double rainbow over a single one since Ian's death. And I know that others around me would say the same thing. Two butterflies playing, two cardinals in the yard. Two was all around us.

Two took on a whole new meaning when we learned that Madison would be joining her brother Ian in Heaven. Two babies, both in Heaven.

Two is the number of failed IVF transfers that we had. Two times our hopes were so high, only to come crashing down at that negative test.

Two, that's how many embryos we transferred this last time.

And that's how many heartbeats we heard on the ultrasound four weeks later.

Suddenly two had an entirely new meaning. Because now it meant that we would be bringing two babies into the world. Two times the clothes, two times the diapers, two times the late night feedings. But we will also enjoy two times to smiles, two times the laughs, and two times the love.

And at our most recent ultrasound we received the best news of all. We have two babies with two perfectly round heads. 

There's still so much time left in this pregnancy, and I'd be lying if I said I thought we were totally in the clear now. But every day I get to spend with these two babies makes me even more grateful and even more excited that we will actually get to bring these babies home in February (because let's be honest, I doubt I make it to their due date on March 5). 

Here's to a quick and healthy remainder of this pregnancy. We appreciate any and all prayers you want to send our way!

Baby #2 Maternity Pictures

I'm so excited to share with you all our maternity pictures! I entrusted my dear friend Kendra of Kendra Crane Photography (though I wasn't in the least bit worried) with the task of capturing this most special time in our pregnancy and lives. And I honestly couldn't be happier with how they turned out. They are PERFECT. Every last one of them, and I got a ton to choose from! She captured the love we have for Madison (and each other) beautifully. I'm sharing way too many, but I just couldn't choose my favorites!!

I just love how in this next one the sun flare made a rainbow right on my stomach. No greater sign of God's promises than that!

And we had to get some pictures including Ian too :)

So isn't that sign awesome? Eric's very talented cousin Ashley Bunten of Ashley Bunten Art + Design  made this for us. I'm absolutely in love!

And we also had to include this book in her pictures. For those of you who don't know, this is the book that we buried with Ian. It wasn't necessarily the book I was planning on sending to Heaven with him, but when I was reading it in the aisle of Walmart I couldn't even finish it without bawling. I've read it to Madison almost every night before we go to bed, and sometimes Eric helps (by reading the pages with as few words as possible on them). I'm so glad we got to capture us reading some of this book to her.  

And I'm so glad that we decided to take maternity pictures. I know these pictures will always bring a smile to my face as we remember the time we did get to spend with Madison. And to have my best friend capture these memories for us was so special. 

One Year Angel-versary

December 16th. Last year, I never wanted that day to come. I remember Eric holding me in bed on the night of the 15th as I cried until I had no more tears. For I knew what the 16th would hold. I would get to meet our baby, get to find out if he was a he or a she. But I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to hold Ian for the first and last time. Wasn't ready to leave the hospital with my arms empty. Wasn't ready to plan a funeral. I wasn't ready.

Not much has changed this year. As I sit here writing this on the night of the 15th, I'm again not ready for the 16th to come. I'm not ready to remember what happened just one year ago. Not ready for the "I'm sorry's" and hugs. Not ready to feel the emptiness inside me knowing that Ian's not here.

But life doesn't care if I'm ready or not. Because just like last year, the 16th will come without a passing glance. It won't go without Ian being remembered, though.

About 6 months ago, I realized that I wanted to do something to ensure that Ian's name and memory will continue to live on throughout the years to come. I decided that I wanted to make a quilt in Ian's honor and deliver it to the hospital for them to give to someone who has a baby on December 16th. I stitched the quilt together and my mom quilted it for me. I think it turned out perfect.

I put together this little gift basket to go with the quilt. When I dropped it off at the hospital, they told me that there was a scheduled c-section on the 16th. I had a huge sigh of relief knowing that this would go to someone born on Ian's birthday. I hope the baby born on the 16th will feel the love I have for Ian being passed onto him or her through that quilt. And they will know that they always have a guardian angel looking out for them. 

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I originally had my blog post ending there, but something happened on my drive into work this morning that I had to share with you. A rainbow. And not just any rainbow, a double rainbow! I don't know what compelled me to look over my shoulder as I was driving into work this morning, but I'm sure glad I did. 

There is nothing greater than God's promise of a rainbow. A promise when I needed it most. A morning that had started out with me feeling down and defeated quickly turned into an attitude that I can make it through the day with my head held high. That I could make Ian proud to call me his mommy. Happy heavenly birthday, Ian. We love you so much and miss you like crazy. I hope you have the best day celebrating with Jesus and the angels!