D-Day

Most people have a day that vividly sticks out in their minds as one that they will remember forever. For some, it's when they landed their dream job. Others, it's the day they said "I do". And still for others it might be the day their first baby was born. 

For me, October 5th, 2016 will forever be engraved in my head. I wish I could say that it was a happy memory. A memory that I would enjoy looking back on for years to come. But it's not. October 5th will always be the day our world came crashing down around us. The day we were told our second baby- the baby we prayed for for over a year, the baby who made it past that dreaded 16 week mark when we lost our first child Ian, the baby that was supposed to come home with us and help fill the void left by losing Ian- wouldn't live past birth, if she survived the birth at all. A year ago today, we received Madison's anencephaly diagnosis. 

I still remember happily snapchatting all my friends on the way to my appointment, with a caption that read something like, "Will baby be a he or a she?!" I was so giddy to have made it this far, past when things were supposed to go wrong. 

I still remember playing "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and crying as I sang those words along with her. 

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store

I never expected those lyrics to have such a different meaning just an hour later. 

I still remember meeting Eric in the parking, both of us obviously giddy with excitement. Asking Eric, "What do you hope baby is?", and Eric saying "I don't care, as long as it's healthy." We took a deep breath and headed in the office, hand in hand.

I still remember that cold jelly going across my belly, the ultrasound tech making small talk, eventually telling us that we were having a girl. 

I still remember zoning out after that, envisioning cheer practice and dance recitals and her dancing with Eric on her wedding day. 

I still remember how Dr. Haller was faking a smile when she came in to greet us. And how her smile soon changed to tears as she told us she thought our daughter had a fatal birth defect, anencephaly. 

I still remember clinging to Eric in that exam room for dear life, asking God how this could be happening to us again. How we could be losing another baby. 

I still remember calling our parents to come over. Telling them that their second grandchild wasn't meant for Earth either. Seeing them question if this could somehow be a mistake. Watching them break down like we had just hours earlier. 

...

I think the best thing about these worst days of our lives is that God proves that he is still good, that he's always been good, and that he only wants good for us. It's easy to ask Where is God? Why did he let this happen to you? or If God is so good, why is there so much hurt in the world? 

I can guarantee that God doesn't want all of this hurt. Romans 8:28 reads "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

From the first sin in the Garden of Eden, our world has never been the same. God intended only good, but man sinned against Him. Thankfully, Jesus died on the cross to take away all of our sins, so that we may have eternal life in Heaven with him. 

God does work for the good of those who love him. You don't have to look far to see that. Once the initial devastating shock of Madison's diagnosis sunk in and we decided to carry her as long as God would let us, Dr. Haller only supported our decision and did everything she could to make our entire pregnancy as easy and enjoyable as it could be. We were blessed with the absolute best friends and family, who sent card after card, who prayed for us continually, and who supported us in our decisions. Even strangers sent cards, gifts, words of encouragement and love, and even more prayers. Those same friends and family threw us the best baby shower for Madison, filled with love and fellowship, and the most perfect getaway to use after Madison was born. And even on Madison's day of birth, we were surrounded by so much love that I couldn't help but smile, even though Madison had left this world before we met her. 

So while I truly despise October 5th, I can't help but be a little thankful for days like this. Because they have shown me how great God's love is, and that's something I never want to forget.