Dear Madison

Dear Madison,

One year. That's how long it's been since your heart was still beating. That's how long it's been since I felt your last kicks. That's how long it's been since I finally saw that sweet face of yours on my chest.

One year. That's how long I've wondered what our family would be like with you (and your brother) here. That's how long I've went to bed and not been woken up by your hungry/mad/teething/just hold me cries. That's how long I've had this pit in my stomach of knowing that Heaven has yet another one of my babies and we are left here alone.

One year. I still find it hard to believe that it's here already. That 365 days ago I gave birth to you, our daughter, our second child, our second angel.

I remember how I felt as we approached your brother Ian's first birthday in Heaven. I was still mad, still angry that he was taken from us. I was dreading seeing December 16th come closer and closer on that calendar. His birth was a secret, and his death an even bigger one until I could muster up the strength to tell everyone what had happened.

But you, you were different. I'm pretty sure more people than I even know knew that I was about to give birth to you. You were celebrated from the moment everyone knew about you. Not that Ian wasn't, because he most definitely was. But like I said, you were different.

You had so many of our family and friends praying that we would finally get pregnant with you. And when we did, all those people prayed even harder that you would get to stay. When we found out that wasn't God's plan, all those people and more prayed for you, for me, for your dad. They followed along our journey with you. They were changed because of you.

There is absolutely nothing I would change about meeting you. Would I have rather you not have anencephaly? Of course. Would I have rather you got to stay? Absolutely. But meeting you, finally getting to see the child we created, the child God wanted in Heaven more than he wanted here on Earth, the child that served a bigger purpose than I probably will in my entire life- it was the best moment of my life.

This day last year, I couldn't have been more proud of you and you couldn't have been more perfect. When I think back to that day, all I can remember is the love I felt in that room- my love for you, for your dad, for God, for our family and friends who stayed up so long to meet you. Your birth, despite the circumstances, will always be one of the happiest memories I have.

I hope that we've made you proud Maddie. I hope that you smile as you look down on us, and I hope that we are honoring you in every way possible. I promised to carry you for all of my life, and to praise God for choosing me to be your momma. And I pray that you give me the strength to keep doing just that for all the rest of your birthdays.

Happy first birthday sweet girl, we love you so <3