The J Word

I've gone through many emotions following my miscarriage- denial, sadness, anger. One emotion that I'm currently struggling with has to be the worst one of all-jealousy. 

Jealousy consumes you. Instead of being thankful for what you do have, you want what others have.

But after a miscarriage, how can I not be jealous? 

How can I be thankful for a child that died inside of me? I'm trying.

How can I be happy for the person that just announced on Facebook that they are pregnant or just had their baby? I want to be.

How can I enjoy talking to two of my best friends about their pregnancies when I can't talk about my own anymore? With all of my might I am trying to be happy and excited for them.

For some reason, it really hit me hard this week when I saw my friend Ashley's blog post about how far along she is in her pregnancy. She is due a few weeks after I was supposed to be due with Ian. After I lost Ian, she even asked if I wanted her to wait to post her weekly chalkboard pictures to Facebook to spare me the pain of seeing them. (Seriously, how awesome of a friend is that!?) Of course I told her to keep posting them. Her pregnancy is something to be happy and excited about and that I would feel horrible if she didn't post them just because of me. 

But this week I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated that she was pregnant and I no longer was. I couldn't get it out of my mind that that should be me smiling in front of a chalkboard, holding my belly. Telling the world about how much my baby was kicking, or about how much I loved wearing maternity jeans. I have never been more jealous of one person. 

On my way home from work that day, I went to visit Ian. I asked him how he could leave us so soon. Why this had to happen to us. I cried and begged him to give Eric and I strength to move forward. Strength to find joy. Strength to overcome the jealousy I feel towards complete strangers and my closest friends.

This grief process is a work in progress. There will be great days, and there will be not so great days. One day, I will be able to go through and read Ashley's blog posts about her pregnancy with this child as I enjoyed doing with her first child, Emery. One day, I will hit "Like" or say "Congrats!" to someone who just announced that they are expecting. Today is not that day, and that's perfectly okay. Until that day, I pray for the strength that will allow me to do those things.

For now, I'm making a list of everything I have to be grateful for. And let me tell ya, it's one long list.

Moving Forward

It's been a month since we found out that I lost Ian. I never thought that there would be a day that I didn't cry. A day that I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness. 

Thanks to my wonderful husband, the love and support of family and friends, and an awesome God, there have been. There have been days where I can't wipe a smile off of my face. Days where laughter, joy, and thankfulness fill our household. Days where things are starting to feel "normal" again. 

Of course, there is never a day I don't think about Ian, and I pray there never will be. But now I can think about him with a smile on my face (and only a small tear in my eye). A dear friend said it best when she said that she hoped I found whatever it was I needed to not "move on", but "move forward". 

I could never move on. To me, saying "move on" sounds like what you have experienced wasn't that a big of a deal. It sounds like things like death are easy to get over and life should be back to normal before you know it. I can't just get over the fact that I lost my son. It happened, and as much as I would love to change that, I can't. 

I can, however, move forward. I can look towards the days to come and know that there are many days of happiness in our future. I can rejoice knowing that the memory of our sweet baby boy won't be forgotten. I can enjoy today knowing that tomorrow is never promised.

I'm not moving on, but I am moving forward.   

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday, people all around the world were saying goodbye to 2014. They were reminiscing on what a wonderful year it had been; celebrating the blessings and accomplishments that the year had brought them.

Yesterday, Eric and I, along with our parents and siblings, said goodbye to Ian. We said goodbye to what could have been. Goodbye to a nephew, a grandchild, a son. I said goodbye to a huge part of my heart that I will never get back. 

At 1 P.M. on December 31, 2014, we laid our sweet Ian Joseph to rest. Surrounded by those that love us most, and in the thoughts and prayers of so many more, we said our final goodbyes. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. No parent should ever have to bury their child, especially a child that never had the chance to see how wonderful life could be.

Though I will never get to see Ian smile, laugh, walk, and grow up, I do cherish the fact that I got to carry him for 16 wonderful weeks. I got to hear his little heart beating away. I got to see his little arms and legs moving on the ultrasound screen. I got to hold his perfect little body and tell him how much I loved him. And I cherish the fact that one day, I will get to see him again. 

As easy as it is to dwell on the lows in life, I know I can't ignore all of the highs that Eric and I experienced this year. We celebrated one wonderful year of marriage. And after this year, I can honestly say that we can make it through anything together. I am beyond blessed to be married to my best friend. 

We were able to move back to our hometown after both finding jobs that we love. Our parents graciously allowed us to move back in with them until we were able to close on our house. 

We picked up our first "baby", Bailey. I never knew how much a dog could brighten your life. She puts a smile on my face every day.

We found out that I was pregnant. Though the outcome of this pregnancy was not what we expected, creating a new life with the love of my life was a beautiful, miraculous thing.

We were finally able to close on our house! I can't tell you how great it feels to own our own home and have something to call "ours".

We experienced a deep love from family and friends that I never thought was possible. I can't thank you all enough for the love, support, and prayers that you have given us this past year, especially in the past month. Eric and I will never be able to repay you for all that you've done.

So as we say goodbye to 2014, I welcome 2015 with an open heart. Here's to a new year full of friends, family, love, and most of all, happiness.