The J Word

I've gone through many emotions following my miscarriage- denial, sadness, anger. One emotion that I'm currently struggling with has to be the worst one of all-jealousy. 

Jealousy consumes you. Instead of being thankful for what you do have, you want what others have.

But after a miscarriage, how can I not be jealous? 

How can I be thankful for a child that died inside of me? I'm trying.

How can I be happy for the person that just announced on Facebook that they are pregnant or just had their baby? I want to be.

How can I enjoy talking to two of my best friends about their pregnancies when I can't talk about my own anymore? With all of my might I am trying to be happy and excited for them.

For some reason, it really hit me hard this week when I saw my friend Ashley's blog post about how far along she is in her pregnancy. She is due a few weeks after I was supposed to be due with Ian. After I lost Ian, she even asked if I wanted her to wait to post her weekly chalkboard pictures to Facebook to spare me the pain of seeing them. (Seriously, how awesome of a friend is that!?) Of course I told her to keep posting them. Her pregnancy is something to be happy and excited about and that I would feel horrible if she didn't post them just because of me. 

But this week I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated that she was pregnant and I no longer was. I couldn't get it out of my mind that that should be me smiling in front of a chalkboard, holding my belly. Telling the world about how much my baby was kicking, or about how much I loved wearing maternity jeans. I have never been more jealous of one person. 

On my way home from work that day, I went to visit Ian. I asked him how he could leave us so soon. Why this had to happen to us. I cried and begged him to give Eric and I strength to move forward. Strength to find joy. Strength to overcome the jealousy I feel towards complete strangers and my closest friends.

This grief process is a work in progress. There will be great days, and there will be not so great days. One day, I will be able to go through and read Ashley's blog posts about her pregnancy with this child as I enjoyed doing with her first child, Emery. One day, I will hit "Like" or say "Congrats!" to someone who just announced that they are expecting. Today is not that day, and that's perfectly okay. Until that day, I pray for the strength that will allow me to do those things.

For now, I'm making a list of everything I have to be grateful for. And let me tell ya, it's one long list.