Another Weekend Gone

Is is just me, or does it seem like the weekends don't last long enough! Maybe this weekend went by so fast because we jam-packed so much into it.

On Friday I went to go pick up my birthday present from Eric- a ring in remembrance of Ian. After we found out that we had lost Ian, I knew I wanted something to remember him by that I could always have with me. I thought about a necklace, but I already wear one from Eric almost every day. Earrings were another option, but I usually just stick with studs on a daily basis, so I wasn't sure I would want earrings. Plus, I can't look at the earrings anytime I wanted to. So, I decided on a ring.

Eric told me I could pick anything I wanted. I scoured the internet for a few days looking for a blue topaz (Ian's birthstone) ring. I found three I liked and Eric picked the one he liked the best, which also happened to be the one I liked the best too. What I loved about it was the deep blue color, I've never really been a fan of the light blue topaz look. But this was also my biggest hesitation- would other people get that it was blue topaz? Would they question why I went with this darker blue instead of going with the lighter color?

I almost changed my mind on the ring. I'm so glad Eric talked me out of it. He helped me realize that I want this ring for myself, so if I think that it is perfect, then it is. And that's exactly what I think it is-perfect. That deep blue- as deep as my love for Ian, as deep as the whole in my heart, as deep as I miss him every day. I couldn't imagine a more perfect ring.

After I picked up my ring, I headed over to meet Eric, Justin, and Julie to go to St. Louis to "surprise" Jaycen for his birthday. Surprise is in quotes because Katie might have told Jaycen her plan to surprise him by inviting us there for his birthday. Even though there was no surprise, it was still a wonderful time!

On Saturday, we went to 4 Hands Brewery in St. Louis for their 4th annual Lupulin Carnival. Eric and I had been to many craft beer festivals, but never a beer carnival. And man was it cool! Stilt walkers, fire breathers, sword eaters, knife throwers, a ferris wheel- it couldn't get much better than that. Except I guess, when you add in all the beer. I knew I wouldn't care for these beers as much since they were mostly "hop-y" beers, so I volunteered to drive everyone home. Eric let me try a few of his beers that he thought I might like, and let me just say that I'm glad I didn't pay for a drinking ticket!

On Sunday, I went with mom, Ashley, Emery, and Ashley's mom Carol to see the NCHS musical production of "Mary Poppins". I realized that it had been five years since I've been to a musical. After seeing all the talent the youth of our community have, though, I know that I will be back every year for many years to come. I forgot just how much I loved seeing the musicals each year. I would do high school all over again just to be in the musical one more time!

Like all good things, the weekend finally came to an end. Now it's Monday morning, and I have to think about big girl things, like taxes and work. Let's just say I'm already counting down to next weekend!

The Question

The question. To others, it is just a simple question. A question that is part of normal conversation when you are getting to know someone. A question that has a straightforward answer. But to me, to anyone who has lost a child, the answer is anything but straightforward.

Just yesterday, Eric and I were asked "the question". I hesitated. Eric answered it quickly for us. The conversation continued on as normal, with no thought of what had been asked just moments before. But while Eric may have been listening to what the other person was saying, I was engulfed in my thoughts, screaming at the top of my lungs that yes, we do have a child. His name is Ian and he is beautiful and perfect and everything we could have ever imagined. Even though he calls heaven home, he will always be our child, our son. 

Have you figured out what the question is? I'll let you in on it: Do you have any children?

I wish I could answer that question easily. I wish that when someone asked me that question, my throat didn't swell up and my stomach didn't drop. I wish I could point to my ever-growing belly and say that one was almost here. 

But I can't. 

Instead, I'm left in an awkward limbo that I don't ever see getting any better. Because even when we are lucky enough to have a child walk this earth with us, the question only changes. How many children do you have? Do I say two and leave it at that? Do I mention that one of my children is in heaven with Jesus? Am I acknowledging Ian even existed if I don't mention him at all?

These questions have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I know that Ian is my son. Our families know that. Our friends know that. God knows that. Do I want my family and friends to acknowledge that Ian was a part of our lives, absolutely. In fact, I love it when people talk about him. Hearing his name puts a huge smile in my heart. 

But do I need to bring up that conversation with strangers or people I'm just meeting? No, it's none of their business. Who knows what I'll say the next time someone asks if I have any children. I want to say yes, because that's the truth. Will I say yes? Probably not. I'm still not ready to have that conversation with people I've just met. But in my heart I know I have a son, and sometimes, that's the most important thing.     

4th Annual Wine Weekend

This past weekend was our 4th annual wine trail weekend in southern Illinois. I can't believe we've been doing this for four years! Each year we get bigger and better, and this year was no different. With 13 people, we decided to switch up cabins this year to a cabin that would hold all of us together instead of splitting us up into two smaller cabins. I think I speak for everyone when I say I loved it! You can check out Cornerstone Cabins here if you're interested. 

Eric and I piled six people into our car Friday evening and headed towards Pomona, IL where we met up with the rest of our group. I had all the best intentions of getting a group photo, but sadly that didn't happen. Jaycen took videos of us all weekend on his GoPro camera, so I'm looking forward to see the finished product of that!

Saturday we hit up 7 wineries on the wine trails and ended our night with Quatro's Pizza- yummy! Here are a few pictures from our trip!

Our group at our first winery- Pomona! We couldn't get Justin and Julie's attention, so that's why they weren't looking. In the first picture, there is Garrett, Emilee, Cassie, Kylie and Branden. The second picture has myself, Eric, Jaycen, Katie, Julie, Justin, and Calvin. Ike had a training he had to be at during the first half of the day, but met up with us later. 

I rode in the car with these goofballs, with Kylie and Branden in the front seats. 

We stopped at Bald Knob Cross! Every wine weekend, we take a picture at the lookout near Alto Pass of our group with the cross in the background. This year, we decided a trip to the actual cross was in order. Here is Eric and I! The next picture is of the view from the cross, so beautiful!

A conversation I had with Garrett during our trip struck a cord with me. We talked about how in ten years, twenty years, we still want to be doing this. Our lives are getting busy- we are all getting married, getting ready to start families, building our own careers and lives. But if it wasn't for each other, none of us would be where we are today. Friendships like this don't come by every day. It would be a shame to see what we've built up go to waste. 

So, friends, promise me in twenty years we will be hauling our kids to our annual wine weekend with us (and making them drive us around!). Promise you won't forget where we started, and you'll look forward to where we are going. Because without all of you, my life would definitely not be the same. 

Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?

I don't know about all of you, but I am SO over winter. Spring can get here any minute. I'm ready for sunshine, shorts, and weather that I can enjoy spending time in for long periods of time.

But since I can't snap my fingers and make it spring, I guess I will try to enjoy the weather we do have, which currently includes lots of snow! During our last snow, which wasn't all that long ago, Eric and I didn't get a chance to go out and enjoy the snow at all. So when this snow rolled in, Eric agreed to build a snowman with me! (After, of course, we got some work done.)

If you haven't been to our house or seen our driveway, you may not appreciate how wonderful a tractor with a blade is for us. I'm not kidding when I say without that thing, we would never be able to get out of our driveway.  

Lucky for us, Dan and Theresa keep a lot of their things (including this tractor and blade) in our barns. Eric bladed our driveway while I helped dig out around our cars and brush the snow off of them. Once we were done, we decided we should help our neighbors out (Dan and Theresa in case you didn't know that!) and blade their driveway and shovel a walkway to their front door. It's the least we could do after all they have done for us!

While we were busy working, Bailey was busy playing. Bailey has become a "mud room dog" in the last few weeks since it has been so cold outside, so she very much welcomed a morning and afternoon running through the snow in our yard.

  

Look at that smile and tail just a wagging. She sure was happy!

I think her favorite thing to do was jump over the piles of snow that Eric made with the tractor. When she wasn't jumping over the mounds of snow, she was burying her nose in it smelling everything in sight, sinking down past her belly with every step she took. When we finally went in for the day, she was tuckered out!

Eric held true to his promise of building a snowman with me!  It's actually super tall-as tall as Eric-so the balls are quite large. They also ended up being more square-like than circular. It's not the most symmetrical snowman, but beggars can't be choosers.

The next few pictures are just a few little family pictures with the snowman :)

 

I just love these two <3