The Question

The question. To others, it is just a simple question. A question that is part of normal conversation when you are getting to know someone. A question that has a straightforward answer. But to me, to anyone who has lost a child, the answer is anything but straightforward.

Just yesterday, Eric and I were asked "the question". I hesitated. Eric answered it quickly for us. The conversation continued on as normal, with no thought of what had been asked just moments before. But while Eric may have been listening to what the other person was saying, I was engulfed in my thoughts, screaming at the top of my lungs that yes, we do have a child. His name is Ian and he is beautiful and perfect and everything we could have ever imagined. Even though he calls heaven home, he will always be our child, our son. 

Have you figured out what the question is? I'll let you in on it: Do you have any children?

I wish I could answer that question easily. I wish that when someone asked me that question, my throat didn't swell up and my stomach didn't drop. I wish I could point to my ever-growing belly and say that one was almost here. 

But I can't. 

Instead, I'm left in an awkward limbo that I don't ever see getting any better. Because even when we are lucky enough to have a child walk this earth with us, the question only changes. How many children do you have? Do I say two and leave it at that? Do I mention that one of my children is in heaven with Jesus? Am I acknowledging Ian even existed if I don't mention him at all?

These questions have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I know that Ian is my son. Our families know that. Our friends know that. God knows that. Do I want my family and friends to acknowledge that Ian was a part of our lives, absolutely. In fact, I love it when people talk about him. Hearing his name puts a huge smile in my heart. 

But do I need to bring up that conversation with strangers or people I'm just meeting? No, it's none of their business. Who knows what I'll say the next time someone asks if I have any children. I want to say yes, because that's the truth. Will I say yes? Probably not. I'm still not ready to have that conversation with people I've just met. But in my heart I know I have a son, and sometimes, that's the most important thing.