Due Date

Ian, today was supposed to be your due date. I should be anxiously waiting for you to make your arrival into this world, not waiting for your headstone to come in. I should be texting and calling my friends and family that you are here, not receiving messages that they are thinking of and praying for me. I should be looking into your face, taking in every inch of you that I can, not desperately grasping at memories of what you looked like back in December. 

I should have you here in my arms, not in Heaven.

But the fact of the matter is, you aren't here. No matter how much I wish it to be true, no matter how much I pray and beg and cry, you are gone. 

And no matter how much I hate that you aren't here, I love where you are. You made it, baby boy. You're in Heaven, the place that I can only hope to be one day. You are perfect, innocent, pure- things I haven't been since the day I was born. If there's one saving grace of you leaving us so soon, it's that you didn't have to experience the hurt and pain of this world. Instead, you are experiencing only love, happiness, and joy. You get to see Jesus every day. You get to watch down on your daddy and I. You get to know Julie and Ryan, and everyone else who has gone before you. I sure hope Julie has told you stories about your daddy, I know there has got to be some good ones. You get to play with all the other angel babies who left this world too soon. I picture you having the most beautiful set of wings. I picture you happy, and I couldn't want anything more than that. 

I miss you everyday, Ian. I pray that when I'm old I won't forget about you. And I look forward to the day that I get to hold you in my arms forever.

....

I truly have the best friends in the world. They (along with their moms) got Eric and I a tree to commemorate Ian. We have it planted and can't wait to watch it grow. 

Since Ian's passing, I have begun to look for the meaning in things. It started with Ian's name, which means Gift from God. Would Ian have been his name if he were born today, probably not. But after losing him, I knew I wanted to his name to mean something important to us, and Gift from God was the perfect meaning. 

Ian's wind chime ringing at just the right moment, that ray of sun that shines through on a cloudy day, a butterfly landing right in front of me- all of these things have taken on a whole new meaning to me since we lost Ian. After receiving this tree, I had a gut feeling to look up the meaning of the tree. It is a Japanese lilac tree which will grow white lilac flowers. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that the white lilac flower represents youthful innocence and purity. I can think of nothing more pure and innocent than a child who never lived to take his first breath. Did my friends realize the meaning behind this flowering tree before they picked it out? I have no idea. I have a suspicious feeling that they didn't. God has a way of showing us he's always watching, always there; and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

I'm also grateful that God put Stacey Rhodes into my life. She is a Developmental/Music Therapist that works at Integrated Therapy Services with me. After I lost Ian, she brought up the suggestion of writing a song for Ian. I thought it was a great idea. I wrote out the lyrics, she helped me put it to music, and we came up with the end result below.  

Click on this link to listen: https://soundcloud.com/staceynrhodes/ians-song

Ian's Song
Lyrics by Sharon Schackmann
Music by Stacey Rhodes

When I saw those two pink lines

I couldn't help but smile.

A tear fell down my face

as I dreamed of who you'd be one day.

Eric couldn't wipe his smile away

when I told him that he'd be a dad in May.

We never knew we'd meet you so soon,

too soon, baby boy, too soon.

Cuz you were gone too soon

we weren't ready for you to leave.

Gone too soon,

it's hard to believe you're gone. 

We heard your heart beating

so fast, so strong.

Then came the ninth of December

and that heartbeat was gone. 

Ten tiny fingers, ten little toes.

You were so perfect,

but only we know.

Cuz you were gone too soon
we weren't ready for you to leave.
Gone too soon,
it's hard to believe you're gone. 

We had our dreams of who you'd be, 

wondered if you'd get my baby blues. 

Now you're my best memory

and I won't ever take my mind off you.

Now all we have are the what-coulda-beens, 

pictures of you, of your feet and your hands,

and the dreams and the wishes of who you'd be.

Looking back now it's so hard to believe.

Cuz you were gone too soon
we weren't ready for you to leave.
Gone too soon,
it's hard to believe you're gone.

Our fairy tale ended so yours could begin.
You'll be free in Heaven with Julie and Ryan.
No pain, no fear only God's good grace.
I can't wait for the day to see your sweet face again (again).

Thoughts of you filled my mind
long before you were here.
Thoughts of you will be with me
year after year.

The 16th is a day I'll never erase.

I'm so glad we held you

saw your sweet face.

Because I wouldn't want to regret

not seeing who we made.

Cuz you were gone too soon.

You were gone too soon.

You were gone too soon,

but we will always love you. 

....

Until I see you again, baby boy. We love you.

Learning to Sew

I nonchalantly mentioned to my mom that one day I'd like a sewing machine and to learn how to sew. It's one of those skills that would be so beneficial to know how to do. Well little did I know that mom was already looking into a new sewing machine so that she could do some machine quilting. Since she was getting a new machine, she gave me her old one!

After going out and getting a super cute sewing box and all the necessary sewing essentials, I still wasn't sure what my first project was going to be. Then it hit me- the traditional second anniversary gift is cotton. I would make Eric a t-shirt quilt of our old high school t-shirts! 

This was quite the daunting first sewing project, so mom helped me out a lot. She cut all the t-shirts down to size and attached a backing to all the shirts so they would sew together easier. It took a bit, but we finally settled on a pattern that we liked. 

Then I was off! (Confession: I did practice sewing two scrap pieces of fabric together first to get the hang of the sewing machine.) I was so nervous as I sewed those first two squares together, but with a little patience and a lot of slow and steady sewing, I got my first row done, then the second row, and the third, and etc.  

  

Then it was time to pin, pin, pin. At least my pins had pretty, colorful heads- I was about sick of them by the time I was done!

It took literally all day (and a few frustrated stitch ripping and re-sewing moments), but I finally had the whole quilt sewn together. I called it quits that night and decided to finish the quilt on another day. 

Sewing day two! Mom had ironed all the seams out, as well as got the back of the quilt cut to size. We cut the batting to fit the quilt, then laid the t-shirts on top of it. Then was the daunting task of tufting the three layers together. The needle I used was huge, but it would have to be to get that yarn through its eye. My poor fingers were hurting by the time I was done with this.  

The last thing I had to do- sew the backing into an edging around the entire quilt! This was probably the part I disliked the most. To start with, there was a lot of quilt and a lot of weight to be pushing around and holding up. All three layers added up to a thick quilt- at least for my sewing abilities. Even though mom and I pinned the edging all over, the fabric kept pulling, causing puckers and not-so-straight lines. Mom had to redo a section where the fabric had pulled so much that when I sewed I didn't even catch the t-shirt. Luckily she was able to fix it without anything being obviously noticeable. 

And here it is-the finished t-shirt quilt! It's not perfect by any means, but I made it. That has to count for something, right?

To the Invisible Mothers...

I see you. You have that cart full of groceries at the supermarket. You're sitting in the pew across from me at church. You are in the car next to mine at the stoplight. A few people in front of me in line at the fast food restaurant.

I know you. You are my mother. My cousin. My aunt. My co-worker. My teacher. My neighbor. My friend.

I respect you. You get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. You hold your head high when you feel like you can't move forward. You put others first even when you are hurting so much yourself. You attend baby showers, congratulate others on their pregnancies, hang birth announcements on your fridge. You are strong, even when your knees seem to buckle beneath you.

I love you. You are beautiful. Genuine. Real. You love with all your heart, even though a part of your heart is gone. You give others hope. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Not because you want to or it's the nice thing to do, but because you've been there and know how it feels.

I am you. Our paths are so different, yet the same. I lost my first child. My son. My 16-week peanut. I didn't feel him kick. He never took a breath. But I saw him. I held him. I made him. He was mine. Just as your son or daughter, no matter if you were 3 weeks or 36 weeks, was yours.

And we are mothers. We are members of a club so elite that no one wants to pay the price to join. We may not even realize the person sitting in the car next to us, the one behind you in the checkout line, the one walking down the street, are all on the same team. But we should. Because we are mothers. And that should be celebrated. Because no mother is more deserving than the mother that had to give their child back. 

So today I celebrate not only the mothers that get to hold their children here on Earth, but those who can only hold their children in their hearts. Happy Mother's Day. 

My Best Friend's Baby {Part 1}

This was a very joyful, while extremely painful, weekend. On Saturday, Eric and I drove to Peoria to meet up with Jason, Kaci, Doug and Ashley to see Travis, Kendra, and Desmond. The whole day was wonderful- I mean you can't beat catching up with your best friends and celebrating a new life. And I've never been happier for Kendra, except for maybe on her wedding day.

In case you haven't noticed, Desmond is quite the charmer. Holding him warmed my heart like I can't explain. When I looked at his little face with that adorable mo-hawk head of hair, I pictured so many bright and exciting things in his future. He is going to grow up with two God fearing parents who have nothing but love to give. I hope he is musically inclined like his momma, and I can already picture him climbing a rock wall like his dad. This is one lucky little boy. 

At the same time, meeting Desmond was also a painful reminder that my Ian is no longer here. My newsfeed and phone will be filled with pictures of Des, and trust me, I so look forward to seeing those pictures and watching him grow up. Yet I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy creeping in when I see him. Kendra and I (and soon Ashley) should be experiencing the joys of raising our boys together. When I found out all of us were pregnant together all those months ago, I envisioned big birthday parties, little league baseball games, proms, graduations. I saw our three boys being best friends, just like their mommies are.

A funny thing happens when you've got some of the best friends yourself, though. I'm going to let you in on a little secret-I will still get to experience those things with Kendra and Ashley. No, it won't be like I imagined, not like how I had hoped and dreamed for. But when the time comes, I know that those two boys will know of Ian, their guardian angel, because their moms do things to keep his memory alive, like getting us all one of these ornaments.

I know that Ian is watching down over Desmond, over baby Jansen, over Eric and I. I know that he's been with us every step of the way, and he won't be turning his back on us. He gives me so much strength when I don't think I can make it through, especially in times like this weekend. And I know that every time I see Desmond's big eyes, every time I catch that subtle smile on Kendra's face as she looks at him, that Ian is right there with them as well, watching, guiding, and lighting the way for all that is to come.