Due Date

Ian, today was supposed to be your due date. I should be anxiously waiting for you to make your arrival into this world, not waiting for your headstone to come in. I should be texting and calling my friends and family that you are here, not receiving messages that they are thinking of and praying for me. I should be looking into your face, taking in every inch of you that I can, not desperately grasping at memories of what you looked like back in December. 

I should have you here in my arms, not in Heaven.

But the fact of the matter is, you aren't here. No matter how much I wish it to be true, no matter how much I pray and beg and cry, you are gone. 

And no matter how much I hate that you aren't here, I love where you are. You made it, baby boy. You're in Heaven, the place that I can only hope to be one day. You are perfect, innocent, pure- things I haven't been since the day I was born. If there's one saving grace of you leaving us so soon, it's that you didn't have to experience the hurt and pain of this world. Instead, you are experiencing only love, happiness, and joy. You get to see Jesus every day. You get to watch down on your daddy and I. You get to know Julie and Ryan, and everyone else who has gone before you. I sure hope Julie has told you stories about your daddy, I know there has got to be some good ones. You get to play with all the other angel babies who left this world too soon. I picture you having the most beautiful set of wings. I picture you happy, and I couldn't want anything more than that. 

I miss you everyday, Ian. I pray that when I'm old I won't forget about you. And I look forward to the day that I get to hold you in my arms forever.

....

I truly have the best friends in the world. They (along with their moms) got Eric and I a tree to commemorate Ian. We have it planted and can't wait to watch it grow. 

Since Ian's passing, I have begun to look for the meaning in things. It started with Ian's name, which means Gift from God. Would Ian have been his name if he were born today, probably not. But after losing him, I knew I wanted to his name to mean something important to us, and Gift from God was the perfect meaning. 

Ian's wind chime ringing at just the right moment, that ray of sun that shines through on a cloudy day, a butterfly landing right in front of me- all of these things have taken on a whole new meaning to me since we lost Ian. After receiving this tree, I had a gut feeling to look up the meaning of the tree. It is a Japanese lilac tree which will grow white lilac flowers. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that the white lilac flower represents youthful innocence and purity. I can think of nothing more pure and innocent than a child who never lived to take his first breath. Did my friends realize the meaning behind this flowering tree before they picked it out? I have no idea. I have a suspicious feeling that they didn't. God has a way of showing us he's always watching, always there; and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

I'm also grateful that God put Stacey Rhodes into my life. She is a Developmental/Music Therapist that works at Integrated Therapy Services with me. After I lost Ian, she brought up the suggestion of writing a song for Ian. I thought it was a great idea. I wrote out the lyrics, she helped me put it to music, and we came up with the end result below.  

Click on this link to listen: https://soundcloud.com/staceynrhodes/ians-song

Ian's Song
Lyrics by Sharon Schackmann
Music by Stacey Rhodes

When I saw those two pink lines

I couldn't help but smile.

A tear fell down my face

as I dreamed of who you'd be one day.

Eric couldn't wipe his smile away

when I told him that he'd be a dad in May.

We never knew we'd meet you so soon,

too soon, baby boy, too soon.

Cuz you were gone too soon

we weren't ready for you to leave.

Gone too soon,

it's hard to believe you're gone. 

We heard your heart beating

so fast, so strong.

Then came the ninth of December

and that heartbeat was gone. 

Ten tiny fingers, ten little toes.

You were so perfect,

but only we know.

Cuz you were gone too soon
we weren't ready for you to leave.
Gone too soon,
it's hard to believe you're gone. 

We had our dreams of who you'd be, 

wondered if you'd get my baby blues. 

Now you're my best memory

and I won't ever take my mind off you.

Now all we have are the what-coulda-beens, 

pictures of you, of your feet and your hands,

and the dreams and the wishes of who you'd be.

Looking back now it's so hard to believe.

Cuz you were gone too soon
we weren't ready for you to leave.
Gone too soon,
it's hard to believe you're gone.

Our fairy tale ended so yours could begin.
You'll be free in Heaven with Julie and Ryan.
No pain, no fear only God's good grace.
I can't wait for the day to see your sweet face again (again).

Thoughts of you filled my mind
long before you were here.
Thoughts of you will be with me
year after year.

The 16th is a day I'll never erase.

I'm so glad we held you

saw your sweet face.

Because I wouldn't want to regret

not seeing who we made.

Cuz you were gone too soon.

You were gone too soon.

You were gone too soon,

but we will always love you. 

....

Until I see you again, baby boy. We love you.