For some reason, Ashley's pregnancy was always harder for me to see than Kendra's. I take that back, I know exactly why it was harder. Kendra was ahead of me in her pregnancy. When she was having her baby, I should have still been pregnant. Ashley, on the other hand, was behind me in her pregnancy. I should have had my sweet baby boy in my arms when I went to go see her baby boy. Every post, every belly picture, was a bitter reminder that I didn't reach that milestone, that I didn't get to experience that part of my pregnancy.
When Ashley texted me that she would be going into the hospital to be induced, my stomach dropped. Of course I was happy for her, beyond happy, ecstatic actually. She was about to welcome the best thing that you can into this world- a new life. But a part of me was wishing it was me that was going into the hospital to have my baby. That intense emotion of jealousy began creeping back.
I knew that I couldn't wallow in my selfishness. I knew that I had to go to that hospital and see Ashley after she had delivered. I knew I had to walk by the room I delivered Ian in with my head held high. And that's exactly what I did.
On Wednesday after work, I headed to the hospital. I have to admit, the drive there was rough. I played every scenario over in my head on how it would go. Walking by the room where Ian was delivered put a lump in my throat, but I held it together. And boy am I glad I did.
August is the definition of perfect. His tiny nose, that blond hair, those big eyes, you couldn't ask for anything more. As I held him in that hospital room, I prayed that Ian was watching over him. I prayed that he would be healthy, that he wouldn't know pain, that he would always feel loved. And as I watched his little face, his big eyes stared back at me. My heart melted when I saw what they did next. I watched his eyes go from looking at mine, to up at the ceiling, then back to mine. I'm sure it's all in my head, but I couldn't help but think he was looking up to Ian watching down on us. I had a huge calming sensation come over my body. I knew then that everything would be alright.
I held it together through my entire visit with them. As I hugged Ashley goodbye, tears welled up in my eyes. If Doug's brother and his family hadn't arrived, I probably would have let them fall. But I left that room with a huge smile on my face.
I might not have gotten my fairy-tale, but Ashley and Doug are getting theirs. They were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Emery is a very proud big sister. They are home from the hospital now, adjusting to life as a family of four. I pray one day that I will have that feeling, but until then I'm overjoyed that I get to witness it in my best friends. And I hope they don't mind me giving their children a few extra hugs and kisses every time I see them.
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