Ian's Tombstone

On Monday, Ian's tombstone was finally set. It was so wonderful to see a permanent marker at his grave site. And I love how the stone turned out. 

First are the flowers. Like everything else related to Ian, I wanted the flowers I put at his grave to have meaning. I chose 3 white roses, one for Ian, Eric and I. The color white represents purity and innocence. If you look closely, you'll see on one of the flowers is a white butterfly, which has come to be my symbol for Ian. 

Now for his stone. I really had no idea what I wanted. I knew how I wanted his nursery painted, what I wanted his bedding to look like, what we would put on the walls. But a headstone? That wasn't even on my mind. Then it hit me. When I would visit Ian's grave, the marker that the funeral home had placed out there had his hand and footprints on it. Every time I left, I would kiss my fingers and place them over his little hands. At that moment I knew that I wanted his tiny hand and footprints on his stone. 

I also knew I wanted his stone to say something special. I instantly thought of the book that we placed in Ian's coffin with him. The very last line of the book reads: "Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." I can't think of a more perfect line to put on the stone of our son who entered Heaven the day he was born. I picture the angels celebrating with fanfare the fact that Ian is with them, living eternally in God's good grace. It puts a huge smile on my face. Now every time I visit Ian, I'll be reminded that he is in the best place that he can be. And if I can't hold him in my arms every day, I'm glad that God gets to. 

So if you're ever driving by the New St. Peter's Cemetery, stop by. I'm sure Ian would love a visit!

When God's Timing is Different than Yours

I just peed on my third stick this month. As I look down at that one line in the window mocking me, I can't help but wonder if we will ever get pregnant again.

I feel like my body is betraying me. Not only am I not pregnant, but I'm not even having a regular ovulation/period cycle in order to get pregnant. Since the beginning of time, God made man and woman to populate the earth. Genesis 1:28 reads "And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it". God told Adam and Eve to multiply and fill the earth. God wants women to have children. That's what our bodies were made for. So why can't my body (along with the bodies of so many other women) figure that out?

When I got pregnant with Ian, it was so easy. We had just decided to try for a baby. I did absolutely nothing to help the process along- no taking my basal body temperature, no using ovulation predictor kits, nothing. One day, we were just pregnant. But something changed in my body when Ian died. I know that my hormones were crazy after everything happened, but I would think by now they should have come back to some regularity. Since my miscarriage, I've had one "normal" period and one period brought on by medicine. For some reason, my body isn't working like it should. 

No one talks about that sort of thing after a loss. Everyone assumes that things will go back to normal, that our bodies will do what they are supposed to do. And other people will be the first ones to tell you that. Oh, you should be happy you know you can get pregnant. You're still young, you can try again. And my personal favorite: It's all part of God's plan. 

It's all part of God's plan. Ha! What about my plan? Marry my high school sweetheart. After a year of marriage, get pregnant. Have a textbook pregnancy and a beautiful baby. Repeat 3 or 4 times for the perfect family. The family that I always wanted just the way I wanted it. 

But is that really how God wanted it? Obviously not. And that just really sucks.

I know that I'm not alone in my hopefully temporary struggle with infertility. When I look back to the scriptures, I often find myself at the story of Hannah from the book of Samuel. Hannah was one of two wives to Elkanah. Elkanah's other wife Peninnah had children, but Hannah did not. 1 Samuel says "Because the LORD had closed Hannah's womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"

I resonate with Hannah. My womb seems to be temporarily closed. We have been trying for over 6 months for another baby and have been unsuccessful. [I know that some couples try for years before getting pregnant, and I'm not trying to make our struggle compare in any way to those who have been waiting longer than us. I'm simply trying to relate what we are going through to something that is all too common, even among Biblical times.]

While I don't have a "rival" like Hannah had in Peninnah, I do have "rivals" in all those who are currently pregnant. They don't verbally provoke or irritate me. In fact, most women who know of the loss of my first pregnancy are very understanding and cautious when talking to me about their pregnancy. Instead, my jealous and selfish emotions provoke me, making me feel less worthy since I can't get pregnant. I've cried many times over the fact that I am still not pregnant while others around me continue to get pregnant and carry their pregnancies to term.

The last verse in that paragraph really struck me- "Why are you weeping?...Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" Hannah's husband Elkanah said something so profound that I re-read that verse a few more times before continuing. Though God had closed Hannah's womb, her husband wanted to know why she was weeping, why she was sad. He asked her if he meant more to her than ten sons would. After reading this, I'm instantly reminded of Eric. Throughout this time, Eric has been my rock, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a voice of reason. He, along with God, has helped me through the lowest part of my life. So why should I weep? Why should I be downhearted? Eric means more to me than anything I could ever have here on earth. He chose me to wake up next to every morning. He chose me to laugh with, to cry with. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with. How can I want more than that? 

Every day I remind myself that where I'm at now in life is good. I have a job, I have a house over my head, and I have so many people who love me. I am happy. I am blessed. Despite all the hurt that has happened, I am right where I am supposed to be. 

A few weeks ago, I came across this verse on Facebook. "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." I saved the picture to my phone and look at it every morning. What a beautiful promise! Though there is hurt and sadness, God tells us that something good will come from it.  

God's timing isn't aligning with my timing, but I'm trying to remember that that's ok. After all, God does have a plan for everyone. Whether God's plan for us includes any living biological children is up to Him. I pray that God will bless us with more children, just as God remembered Hannah and opened her womb, giving her her son, Samuel. Until that day, I will rejoice in the day that the Lord has made, and be thankful that I get to spend it with the ones I love. 

4th of July Fun

What a great weekend! Eric and I decided to have some friends over to celebrate this wonderful country that we like to call home. Don't mind Eric's outfit- he purposefully tries to look as redneck/hillbilly as possible. 

It wouldn't be a celebration of America without some gun shooting (at least that's our favorite way to celebrate at our house)! The boys took Eric's new clay thrower and set up a "sporting clays" course in the pasture by our house. That kept them occupied for a few hours. 

Meanwhile, I was able to chat with my favorite girls! I was so happy that these ladies were able to come over for a few hours. The only one missing was Kendra! It was great to be able to catch up, and get in some August snuggles :) I'm truly blessed to have these ladies in my life, and I'm very much looking forward to continuing to watch our friendship (and families) grow and develop. 

Emery and I were able to get some play time in as well. She loved kicking the football!

That night, Brian and Mara provided some firework entertainment for us. I loved our little firework show! We spent the rest of the night around the fire with good talk and great friends. Happy Fourth of July!