I feel like my body is betraying me. Not only am I not pregnant, but I'm not even having a regular ovulation/period cycle in order to get pregnant. Since the beginning of time, God made man and woman to populate the earth. Genesis 1:28 reads "And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it". God told Adam and Eve to multiply and fill the earth. God wants women to have children. That's what our bodies were made for. So why can't my body (along with the bodies of so many other women) figure that out?
When I got pregnant with Ian, it was so easy. We had just decided to try for a baby. I did absolutely nothing to help the process along- no taking my basal body temperature, no using ovulation predictor kits, nothing. One day, we were just pregnant. But something changed in my body when Ian died. I know that my hormones were crazy after everything happened, but I would think by now they should have come back to some regularity. Since my miscarriage, I've had one "normal" period and one period brought on by medicine. For some reason, my body isn't working like it should.
No one talks about that sort of thing after a loss. Everyone assumes that things will go back to normal, that our bodies will do what they are supposed to do. And other people will be the first ones to tell you that. Oh, you should be happy you know you can get pregnant. You're still young, you can try again. And my personal favorite: It's all part of God's plan.
It's all part of God's plan. Ha! What about my plan? Marry my high school sweetheart. After a year of marriage, get pregnant. Have a textbook pregnancy and a beautiful baby. Repeat 3 or 4 times for the perfect family. The family that I always wanted just the way I wanted it.
But is that really how God wanted it? Obviously not. And that just really sucks.
I know that I'm not alone in my hopefully temporary struggle with infertility. When I look back to the scriptures, I often find myself at the story of Hannah from the book of Samuel. Hannah was one of two wives to Elkanah. Elkanah's other wife Peninnah had children, but Hannah did not. 1 Samuel says "Because the LORD had closed Hannah's womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"
I resonate with Hannah. My womb seems to be temporarily closed. We have been trying for over 6 months for another baby and have been unsuccessful. [I know that some couples try for years before getting pregnant, and I'm not trying to make our struggle compare in any way to those who have been waiting longer than us. I'm simply trying to relate what we are going through to something that is all too common, even among Biblical times.]
While I don't have a "rival" like Hannah had in Peninnah, I do have "rivals" in all those who are currently pregnant. They don't verbally provoke or irritate me. In fact, most women who know of the loss of my first pregnancy are very understanding and cautious when talking to me about their pregnancy. Instead, my jealous and selfish emotions provoke me, making me feel less worthy since I can't get pregnant. I've cried many times over the fact that I am still not pregnant while others around me continue to get pregnant and carry their pregnancies to term.
The last verse in that paragraph really struck me- "Why are you weeping?...Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" Hannah's husband Elkanah said something so profound that I re-read that verse a few more times before continuing. Though God had closed Hannah's womb, her husband wanted to know why she was weeping, why she was sad. He asked her if he meant more to her than ten sons would. After reading this, I'm instantly reminded of Eric. Throughout this time, Eric has been my rock, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a voice of reason. He, along with God, has helped me through the lowest part of my life. So why should I weep? Why should I be downhearted? Eric means more to me than anything I could ever have here on earth. He chose me to wake up next to every morning. He chose me to laugh with, to cry with. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with. How can I want more than that?
Every day I remind myself that where I'm at now in life is good. I have a job, I have a house over my head, and I have so many people who love me. I am happy. I am blessed. Despite all the hurt that has happened, I am right where I am supposed to be.
A few weeks ago, I came across this verse on Facebook. "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." I saved the picture to my phone and look at it every morning. What a beautiful promise! Though there is hurt and sadness, God tells us that something good will come from it.
God's timing isn't aligning with my timing, but I'm trying to remember that that's ok. After all, God does have a plan for everyone. Whether God's plan for us includes any living biological children is up to Him. I pray that God will bless us with more children, just as God remembered Hannah and opened her womb, giving her her son, Samuel. Until that day, I will rejoice in the day that the Lord has made, and be thankful that I get to spend it with the ones I love.
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