2015 in Review

2015. I can't say that I'm sad to see you go. Most of 2015 was spent learning to live life without Ian, without what could have been, what should have been. There were many nights of crying myself to sleep. Many nights I questioned why God could allow this to happen. Many nights I wanted to curl up next to Eric and never get out of bed.

But there were also many nights of good times. Many nights of laughing with Eric until our stomachs hurt. Many nights of staying up a little too late to finish a bottle of wine. Many nights with friends and family filled with love.

I thoroughly enjoyed finding pictures for this blog post, because it showed me just how blessed my year was. Those blessings can get lost pretty easily, so I'm glad I was able to remind myself of them as the year comes to a close. 

Here's a few of my favorite moments from 2015!

Eric and I took a little mini-vacation to the Smoky Mountains this summer to celebrate two years of marriage. We stayed in a quaint little cabin with a killer view. We ate way too much food and watched the sunrise from the hot tub. We enjoyed shooting sporting clays, visiting the aquarium, and tasting lots of wine and moonshine. We even saw a bear- a little too close of an encounter for me!- while we hiked to a waterfall. It was the perfect getaway!

Ian's tombstone finally came in and was set at his gravesite. I loved how it turned out. Every time I visit him, I touch his little hand and foot prints and am reminded of the life I was able to carry for 17 weeks. Life is truly precious, cherish each moment.

We also welcomed a new member into our family-Cassie! She's our fetch-loving, rope-pulling, treat-stealing, non-stop puppy, and we couldn't love her more. 

In September I made the decision to leave Integrated Therapy Services and accepted a position as the Speech-Language Pathologist at Palestine Grade School. It wasn't an easy decision, but I'm so happy with it. I love my new school, my co-workers, and my students and am excited to see them grow as we head into the new year.

This year saw me kill my first deer! It was an unreal experience that I can't wait to do again. Nothing beats knowing that you actually put meat on the table for your family. 

After getting my DSLR camera, I took the plunge into starting a little photography business. To say that this business has exceeded my expectations is an understatement. I love taking pictures. Finding the best light, getting the right angle, placing people in just the right pose- it's a combination that results in pretty awesome pictures. I still have tons to learn, and plan to continue to learn and grow as I take more and more pictures. I can't wait to see where 2016 takes "Schackmann Photography". Be on the lookout for new branding and a big surprise hopefully this summer!

This last picture probably sums up the hardest, yet best times of 2015. I was lucky enough to watch Kendra and Kaci become moms, and Ashley add one more to her beautiful family. I won't lie and say it was easy watching them continue on with their pregnancies and bring home a baby. It was hard, really hard. There was lots of tears, lots of jealousy, lots of questioning "why them and not me?". But there have been even more smiles, even more laughs, and even more blessings watching these babies grow up. When we all get together, the first thing I want to do is hold one of them. I love their baby smell, their big eyes, all the potential inside of them. And I remind them every time I hold them that Ian is watching over them. I can't wait to continue to watch Desmond, August, and Orie grow up. I know it won't always be easy, but it will be worth it. 

I'm looking forward to 2015 coming to an end tonight. Not because of what the year was, but because of what 2016 has the potential to become. 2015 has been a year of transition in many ways. I hope that 2016 brings much more love, much more happiness, much more laughing, and hopefully even another baby to add to our family. (Prayers appreciated that that last one comes true!) Have a Happy New Years Eve and an even more blessed 2016.

The Happenings of Bailey and Cassie

Life's rough when you're a dog, can't you tell?

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, the dogs have slowly been creeping their way further and further into the house. It doesn't help when someone in the house let's Bailey do this:

If you know Cassie, you know that if someone is getting attention, she wants some too. So one day while Eric was letting Bailey sit on his lap, this happened.

She just wanted some kisses! She didn't stay up there long, and was soon laying right next to the recliner sleeping like a baby, I mean puppy. 

Speaking of puppies, look at how big Cassie is!! I can't believe she's six months old. She weighs the same as Bailey and stands and sits taller than her. It won't be long before she will be substantially bigger than Bailey. 

And one last picture for you- the cone of shame! Cassie got spayed yesterday and she wouldn't stop licking her stitches, which resulted in this. Which also resulted in Cassie completely ignoring me, including sitting turned away from me with her head held down, as well as running into walls, door frames, and getting stuck in the mud. I finally gave in and took it off of her. She hasn't done too bad with not licking the stitches, and since I'm home from school I can keep an eye on her and get her to stop if she starts licking. I'm looking forward to when those stitches come out!

Hope you enjoyed this puppy update!

One Year Angel-versary

December 16th. Last year, I never wanted that day to come. I remember Eric holding me in bed on the night of the 15th as I cried until I had no more tears. For I knew what the 16th would hold. I would get to meet our baby, get to find out if he was a he or a she. But I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to hold Ian for the first and last time. Wasn't ready to leave the hospital with my arms empty. Wasn't ready to plan a funeral. I wasn't ready.

Not much has changed this year. As I sit here writing this on the night of the 15th, I'm again not ready for the 16th to come. I'm not ready to remember what happened just one year ago. Not ready for the "I'm sorry's" and hugs. Not ready to feel the emptiness inside me knowing that Ian's not here.

But life doesn't care if I'm ready or not. Because just like last year, the 16th will come without a passing glance. It won't go without Ian being remembered, though.

About 6 months ago, I realized that I wanted to do something to ensure that Ian's name and memory will continue to live on throughout the years to come. I decided that I wanted to make a quilt in Ian's honor and deliver it to the hospital for them to give to someone who has a baby on December 16th. I stitched the quilt together and my mom quilted it for me. I think it turned out perfect.

I put together this little gift basket to go with the quilt. When I dropped it off at the hospital, they told me that there was a scheduled c-section on the 16th. I had a huge sigh of relief knowing that this would go to someone born on Ian's birthday. I hope the baby born on the 16th will feel the love I have for Ian being passed onto him or her through that quilt. And they will know that they always have a guardian angel looking out for them. 

...

I originally had my blog post ending there, but something happened on my drive into work this morning that I had to share with you. A rainbow. And not just any rainbow, a double rainbow! I don't know what compelled me to look over my shoulder as I was driving into work this morning, but I'm sure glad I did. 

There is nothing greater than God's promise of a rainbow. A promise when I needed it most. A morning that had started out with me feeling down and defeated quickly turned into an attitude that I can make it through the day with my head held high. That I could make Ian proud to call me his mommy. Happy heavenly birthday, Ian. We love you so much and miss you like crazy. I hope you have the best day celebrating with Jesus and the angels!

My Best Friend's Baby {Part 3}

Well, yesterday was the day. The day when I met my best friend Kaci's baby, Orie. The day when everyone came to Kaci and Jason's house with their babies. Everyone, that is, but me. Now that Kaci has had her baby, it will be even more evident that I'm the odd one out. Not by any doing on my friends' part, though. In fact, they've never made me feel more included.

As we were handing out Christmas presents to everyone, Ashley handed Kendra, Kaci, and I a small jewelry box. When we opened it up, there was this beautiful necklace inside. 

I'm a sucker for things with meaning behind them, and it turns out Ashley is too. While admiring our necklaces, Ashley began to explain that on these two circles, there are a total of 13 small diamonds. 13 happens to be our lucky number. If you count us all up- Ashley, Doug, Emery, August, Kaci, Jason, Orie, Kendra, Travis, Desmond, Eric, myself, and Ian- there's 13 of us. I couldn't think of a more perfect number <3

It really was a wonderful day. Nothing beats getting all of your best friends together for a day filled with love, laughter, and friendship. Orie was, of course, just perfect! (And a spitting image of her daddy.) I'm very much looking forward to when we can all get together again, my best friends' babies and all. And hopefully one day, Eric and I will have a baby to join in on the fun. Until then, I'll be giving August, Desmond, Orie (and Emery) lots and lots of extra love.