Thy Will

This morning I was driving in my car to go babysit Auggie. And like it usually does, my mind drifted to Ian, and what life would be like if he was still here. Then, like a sign from God, this song came on the radio- "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. 

I only had to listen to a few lines before I knew that God was trying to tell me something. 

"I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord."

I've spent a long time trying to make sense of God's promises. Some days I'm able to pull myself up and smile and laugh and know that everything is going to be alright. Some days I raise my fists to God and ask Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

And the beautiful thing is that I didn't do anything. For not my will but Thine be done. God's plans are far greater than mine. He knows just what I need, like the cuddles Auggie gave me today as he went down for his nap. 

I've noticed God's plan a lot this past week. It all started with that bad storm on our anniversary. Normally, I would be home by 4 o'clock. But that day, I decided to get a sweet tea and stop by the paint store to get some stain. Instead of being home when the tree fell, I was still on my way and didn't have to be scared out of my mind when it happened. 

Because of that tree falling, we found out that the tree that it hit was rotted inside and would need to be taken completely down. My absolute favorite tree in our yard could have fallen on our house during the next big storm. It was truly a blessing in disguise. (Even if I hated watching it get cut down). 

Even though my plan and God's plan do not in any way, shape or form line up (if only I could be that lucky!), I know that he hears my prayers, he sees my tears fall down, and that he has greater things in store for me.

Because if Ian hadn't passed away, we wouldn't have Cassie. We wouldn't be putting all this extra money into our house payment. We wouldn't be renovating our barn. I can only think that God is allowing us to better prepare for the family that we will have one day, no matter how long it takes. 

Lots of you have had your plans line up with God's, and believe me when I say I couldn't be happier for you. But some of you haven't. Some of you pray every night that you'll find the money to make it through the month, that you'll get the call back from your interview, that this month will be the month you'll see those two pink lines. I know it's easy to give up on God. It's easy to fall into a dark place. If there's anything I can tell you, it's that God sees you, God hears you, and he only has goodness in store. So Thy will be done.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."- Jeremiah 29:11