2017: A Year in Review

2017 is coming to a close tonight, so what better time to do a little reflecting on what the year brought us?

In January, Kaci, Kendra and Ashley threw me the best "baby shower" ever for Madison. It was filled with so much love, fellowship, and a few tears. I couldn't ask for better friends!

March 8th, Eric and I, surrounded by our closest friends and family, said hello and goodbye to our daughter Madison. She was even more perfect than I could have imagined. And I miss her even more than I thought possible.

This year consisted of so much best friend time. These girls are the absolute best.

In June, we took the vacation of a lifetime- an Alaskan cruise! Alaska was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, and every stop on the cruise was more and more beautiful than the last. We are already talking about wanting to go back!

July 11th we welcomed our nephew, Grant Levi Walters, into the world. I would by lying if I said that his birth was easy for me, but I'm so thankful that he's here and healthy. And I love that little guy so so much. 

Our Madison and Ian bears arrived! They are weighted teddy bears to match Ian and Madison's birth weight. The comfort they bring when I'm holding them is indescribable. 

In August we went to Galena for a little weekend getaway- a present from our friends and family at Madison's shower! It was a much needed relaxing weekend before the chaos of fall and school started again. And Galena had some beautiful views!

October was a busy month! I started a blog dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss- Longing Arms. I'm hoping that I'm able to provide hope and comfort to moms and dads going through the same things as Eric and I.

October was the kick-off event for our Jasper County Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group with our Wave of Light Ceremony where we lit candles and read names for babies that we've lost to miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss. Our event was even better than I could have imagined and I'm looking forward to helping and growing with local women as we support each other on this journey.

October also contained the birth of my Godson, Bennett, on the 26th! I totally cried when Ashley asked me to be his Godmother. In November I was able to hold him as he was baptized into the church. I can't wait to see where the Lord leads you, B!

And this December marked three years since Ian has been gone. Here I am with his quilt that I donated to the hospital. It was even more special this year as we know the family that the quilt went to!

This month Madison's headstone was finally set! I'm in love with how their stones look next to each other. 

While the year isn't going to end the way I wanted it to (pregnant), I do have to say that the year went better than I thought it would go. The highs out-weighed the lows, and I was constantly reminded how blessed I truly am. Tomorrow starts a clean slate and a new year full of new hopes and dreams. And I'm hoping that our upcoming journey with Dr. Dayal will result with one of our biggest dreams of all- becoming parents to a baby here on Earth!

Ian's Third Angel-versary

Ian,

How in the world has it been three years? Not a second goes by that you aren't on my mind. I could probably say the same thing about a lot of other people's minds too, because I constantly bring you up on this blog, and from what I hear it's pretty well read. In fact, I know that you are constantly on the minds of our friends- I've been getting texts and cards for a few days now, and it warms my heart so much to know that you haven't been forgotten.

I think of you every time I see that glimmer in Auggie's eye. Oh what I would give to see the two of you play. I just know that you would have been the best of friends. And I would have pitied Ashley and I having to deal with two ornery little boys. I think of you every time I see Auggie and Dez playing together when I get together with my friends. And I imagine how you would fit in with the two of them (perfectly is what I'm guessing).

I think of you every time I hold your cousin Grant. Every kiss, every snuggle, every "I love you", has a little extra that I send to Heaven just for you. As I held Grant last night and breathed in that fresh baby smell, I couldn't help but for a second imagine it was you. That you were the one fighting sleep, but finally giving in as you laid your head on my chest. That you were the one with your fingers curled around mine, or giving me that gummy grin with the most precious face I've ever seen. I'm sure that will never stop. Because even though everyone else is always getting a little older, you will always be my baby. And a part of me will always be longing to hold you just one more time in my arms, and to feel your stomach rise and fall with each breath.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it this long here without you. It kills me every day. I might not cry as much as I used to (and don't get me wrong, I cry all the time), but the pain of losing you will always be fresh on my mind. I hope that you are enjoying today with your sister, your aunt, and your uncle. And maybe a few of your friends. And like Emery said in her card, "I hope that Jesus is taking good care of you."

Love you always baby boy.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Except When it Isn't)

Driving home from work the other day, my mind drifted, much like it always does, to Ian and Madison. I was brought back to three years ago when I couldn't find Ian's heartbeat on our doppler. On Saturday, it will have been three years since we said hello and goodbye to our first child.

Like a big old slap in the face, the radio began to play that song. You know, the one that proclaims "it's the most wonderful time of year". Except for me. There's not too much that's wonderful about being reminded that your child is no longer here.

Because the holidays, especially Christmas, are filled with picture perfect Christmas cards, Instagram photos of children opening their presents or leaving cookies for Santa, and all around joy and cheer. But when you've lost a child, this time of the year can be down right impossible. There's the constant reminder that your child is no longer here. You don't have to look far to see the empty stockings or a few less presents under the tree. And all that joy and cheer that everyone else seems to be beaming with is the last thing on your mind.

It's no secret that Eric and I desperately want to be parents to a child (many, many children) here on Earth. In September, I was able to switch insurances to get my infertility treatments covered, and since then we've been having more monitoring of my cycles done. I started very optimistic that we would quickly be able to get pregnant again now that Dr. Haller could better see what was going on. But that optimism soon turned to despair as the trigger shot only made me ovulate one time, and the last two cycles I haven't had any mature follicles to release by day 14, so I haven't even been able to receive the trigger shot. [If all this sounds confusing, it's because it is ha! I hope you never have to know what all these things mean. But if you're curious, just ask and I'll fill you in.]

Yesterday, I had my last ultrasound and meeting with Dr. Haller. After telling me that the one follicle I had wasn't big enough to trigger, I just broke down. I wanted so badly to be pregnant already, and I was so hopeful that I would be able to achieve this feat with Dr. Haller. Lo and behold, God had other plans.

On my drive home, Psalm 46:10 drifted into my mind. "Be still, and know that I am God." How powerful are those words! It is so hard to be patient and trusting when what you want right this second isn't what God has in store for you. And I've fallen victim to this more times than I want to admit.

As I was leaving, Dr. Haller assured me that next Christmas would look a lot different from this one. January 5th, Eric and I go to St. Louis to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. Dayal-the same one who is giving the Finley's their rainbow baby!) to figure out the next steps in our journey to grow our family. This isn't the plan I had in mind for us, but I can only hope and pray that what God has in store is better than we could have ever imagined. And that next Christmas truly will look a lot different for our Schackmann family.