Ian's Fourth Angelversary

Ian, it doesn't seem possible that four years ago you made your appearance and changed your daddy and I's lives forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you (and your sister), and wish more than anything that you were here with me instead of in Heaven.

I used to be so angry at the fact that God took you from us. I was angry that you had to leave so soon, angry that you were so badly wanted and just like that we couldn't have you. I was angry that everyone else got to keep their baby and I didn't. I was angry at God for doing this to your dad and I, for causing us so much pain and grief and heartache. It wasn't fair. And it still isn't.

But it's amazing what four years can do. There are still times when I find myself angry that you aren't here. But those times are few and far between. Two readings at mass this morning really hit home. It's like God knew that I needed to hear these verses on your birthday.

The first is from Zephaniah 3:14-18. I'm paraphrasing here, but it says, "Shout for joy....be glad and exult with all your heart...The Lord is in your midst, you have no further misfortune to fear...Do not fear, do not be discouraged." The Lord stayed by my side these past four years. He has seen me through my worst moments, and He is still here with me. Because of Him, I am able to be glad and joyful. Because of Him, my anger has softened and my fear of what's to come has lessened.

And then Philippians 4:4-7 reads, "Rejoice in the Lord always, I shall say it again: rejoice!...The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This year, while my heart still aches from the gaping hole that your death placed there and my arms still long to hold you just one more time, I am able to rejoice in knowing that you are in the most perfect place, baby boy. You get to sit on Jesus' lap and listen to His own stories and learn from Him in person. You get to watch over your daddy and I, and play with your little sister. You have the best seat in the house, and I have to admit I'm a little jealous of that.

On the night you were born, Ian, the night wind whispered that life would never be the same. And it hasn't. But oh, sweet boy, Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn, on that wonderful, marvelous night you were born.

Europe Trip 2018: Germany

Up next on our European adventure this summer was Germany! I have to admit, I can't say I was necessarily "looking forward" to Germany. I knew we were going to Munich and to see some castle, but there wasn't anything I was really excited to see- like the Colosseum or Stonehenge. But I also have to admit, I think Germany was one of my favorite stops on our trip!

In every other country, we had so many things we wanted to do and see. And that made all those countries really interesting and exciting, but also really exhausting. Germany was so laid back, it was a refreshing break after all the walking and sightseeing we did in England.

Up first was an overnight trip to see Neuschwanstein Castle. This is known as the "fairy-tale castle", and it definitely lived up to it's name! Driving up to the castle, you could see it nestled in the mountains from down below. You could also see that it was going to be a long trek to make it to the top of the mountain where the castle stood. Of course, you could pay to take a horse and buggy to the top, but what fun would that be? -Insert loads of sarcasm here.- 

Nonetheless, we finally made it to the top and got to marvel in the beauty of the castle's exteriors and views, which were breathtaking, before taking a tour of the interior. No cameras were allowed inside, but I'm sure you can find interior pictures online somewhere if you're interested to see what it looked like. 

I will say that the interior was pretty extravagant- there were so many beautiful paintings, ornate pieces of furniture, and monstrous rooms. I would really like to know why people thought some rooms needed to be so large! The interesting thing about the castle is that it was never completely finished. From what I remember from the tour, the King rang out of money to complete the castle. Not long after that, King Ludwig II was declared insane. A day after being sentenced to Berg Palace in 1886, he and his psychiatrist were mysteriously found dead the very next day. Crazy history right there! After the tour, we took another hike to the  Marienbrucke, a bridge that gives a spectacular view of the castle. We stopped for a quick photo op and then took the long, and much easier downhill, trek back to the bottom. 

After leaving the castle, we hopped back in the car and went to a picture perfect little town called Oberammergau. This town was SO NEAT. Almost all of the buildings had the coolest murals painted on them of traditional Bavarian scenes, fairy tales, and religious themes. I wish we could have visited every single building that was painted because they were all just so beautiful. And the pictures of the inside of a building are of the church in town- wow, just wow is all I can say. It was absolutely gorgeous inside!

This town is known for a few things, one of which is the Passion Play that they hold every 10 years, and have been holding since 1634- that's over 380 years! A man brought the bubonic plague to town, and it soon began spreading through the town's inhabitants. The town vowed that if God spared their village from the effects of the bubonic plague that they would perform a passion play of the suffering, death, and resurrection of Christ every ten years. After that vow was made, no one else in the town died, and the very next year their performed their first passion play. The Inn we stayed in had a book of one of the more recent Passion Plays, and let me tell you that this thing is legit. It is a full on production involving a majority of the town and runs for months. I think the next time we come to Germany needs to be in a year ending in 0 so that we can go see the play!

Oberammergau is also known for its woodcarvings, and is home to the Bavarian State Woodcarving School. This town is lined with woodcarving shops, and we had such a great time exploring all the shops and seeing what talent these woodcarvers have. Mom and I both brought home some wood-carved figurines, mine is a Mary, Jesus and Joseph carving and mom's is of two Bavarian (not German as the woodcarver quickly corrected my mother) dancers. 

The next day we spent exploring Munich, which included visiting Dachau Concentration Camp. If you want to be humbled beyond belief, you need to make it to one of the concentration camps. Just walking from the visitor's center to the front gate of the camp sent goosebumps up my spine and left an eerie feeling around me all day. The first thing you see before entering the camp is the replica of the original gate, reading "Arbeit Macht Frei" or "Work Sets You Free." Sadly we know now that this wasn't true of the prisoners sent to Dachau. 

Dachau was the first concentration camp built, and all other camps were modeled after this one. We were able to tour some of the original buildings to the camp, as well as replicas of the barracks. We walked through the gas chambers, which they told us were never actually used at this camp, but it was still an overwhelming experience. 

We ventured back to the city center to catch the glockenspiel show at the Marienplatz square (which was luckily right above the metro station or we might have missed it!). There's jousting, dancing, and even a wedding that rotate and move during the little show. It was a pretty neat thing to see. We enjoyed a dinner of pig knuckles, pork belly, wiener schnitzel, and beer- lots and lots of beer- at the Hofbrauhaus. The morning we left we visited the Chinese tower in the English Garden (and had one last German beer of course). 

That wraps up our stint in Germany! That also wrapped up our time with Andy before he left for France to get things ready for the wedding. It was so nice to be able to spend some time with him (and Laura and Alexander in England!), and for him to show us around some of his home country. And I just have to say thank goodness we had him in Germany to help us navigate their public transit system. Not that we couldn't navigate public transit, because now I can say that we definitely can, but because German is so different from English and the words are so long and confusing. We would have spent a lot more time trying to figure things out on our own if it wasn't for him. Until next time, Germany!

Europe Trip 2018: London

This will be the first of four, possibly five, posts about our trip to Europe this August. I know August was a while ago, but it's been hard to find time to edit my own pictures as I jumped right back in to my photography business once we were home. After constant nagging questions about when these pictures would be finished from my mother, I finally decided that I needed to make the time to work on some of my own things so that it's not next summer before I get our vacation pictures tackled! I have the pictures in a little bit of a chronological order of events from our time in England.

First up was changing of the guard in front of Buckingham Palace. Unfortunately, I didn't get great pictures during the actual changing of the guard as it was insanely crowded and we weren't able to get in a good position to really see anything. We came back later when there was no one there to get some other pictures of Buckingham Palace. Much less stressful!

When in London you have to get pictures by the iconic telephone booth. That cute couple on the end is Andreas and Laura- the whole reason we were in Europe to begin with! When Andy told us that they were getting married in August and that we were invited to their wedding (in France), Eric and I talked it over and decided we just had to go. Something like this only happens once in a lifetime, and what better time to go than now. I know that Andy was SO surprised when mom told him that we were all coming. And I'm glad we all did, because we got to meet and hang out with his now wife Laura for a few days in London, as well as Andy's brother, Alex. 

Here we are at Tower Bridge and the Tower of London. That's Andy's brother Alex standing on the far right. We had a great time checking out the crown jewels, finding the ravens (they have seven- the required six plus one extra!), and learning all about the history of this once bustling castle.  

We did a little walking around and checked out the London Eye- but didn't ride it because the line was forever long. From the Eye, you got a great view of the city of London. They were remodeling Big Ben, which was a little sad, but they did leave the clock face open on the one side. 

Our next day in England was spent on a day trip to see Stonehenge and the city of Bath. Up first, Stonehenge! There are so many mysteries about the origins of Stonehenge, so it was really neat to learn some of the history that we do know about the stones and their construction. We couldn't get very close to the stones (unless you want to pay a lot of money to be able to walk in the center circle), but even being so far away, the magnitude of this place was overwhelming. 

As a side note, the location of Stonehenge, or should I say the main highway, is a little strange. While these pictures make it look like Stonehenge is in the middle of nowhere, it is actually very close to a major highway. Because of this, traffic to get to Stonehenge is horrendous. Since the road is so close, everyone slows down as they drive by to say that they've "seen" Stonehenge without actually coming up to the monument. Our guide told us that there are plans to put the road underground so that the traffic issue is solved and to make it feel like Stonehenge actually is in the middle of nowhere.

Aside from the history of all of the stones inside and just outside the main ring of Stonehenge, there's also a huge stone far outside the main structure, known as the Heel Stone (which is the top right picture in the collage below). The Heel Stone marks the place on the horizon where the summer solstice sunrise appears when viewed from the center of the stone circle. And then the alignment from beside the Heel Stone looking back towards the stone circle is to the winter solstice sunset. How cool is that!

I'll spare you the story of losing my father, and then my brother, right before the bus was supposed to leave, but we definitely thought that they were going to be left at Stonehenge. Moral of the story, if you're going to go get something to eat that's in a different room than where everyone else is (and the bus is leaving in like ten minutes), be sure you tell somebody where you are going.

After our visit to Stonehenge, we got back on the bus and traveled to the town of Bath to explore an ancient Roman Bath. The town in itself was so cool. Every building in this town is built with the yellow Bath stone. 

Inside the Roman Bath, we saw statues of important Roman figures, viewed ancient artifacts from that time period, and even got to taste the water from the hot spring that supplies the water for the bath (which was hot and did not taste great). The bottom left picture shows where the water from the spring comes up to go into the main bath area. 

On our last day in London, I was finally able to convince mom to just wait in line to see the inside of Westminster Abbey. Eric and I went in with her while dad, James and Andy did a little exploring and souvenir shopping. I think it's safe to say that mom would say that the long line was worth it. And while we couldn't take any pictures inside the church, I think the architecture on the exterior of the building speaks volumes for what the interior looked like. 

And there ends the England stint of our European vacation this summer! Stay tuned for our next stop, Munich, Germany. 

A Trip to the Zoo

Whew, guys, it's been a hot minute since I've done a blog post! I promise our life isn't super boring. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We've been so busy this summer/early fall that blogging has fallen to the wayside. But I just had to share about my trip to the zoo on Monday with Grant, Nikki, and Erin!

Erin and I have been planning to do something with Grant (and his momma of course) on Columbus Day since this summer. After much debate, we finally settled on the zoo (thank you Connor for letting Grant's first zoo trip happen without you!). We weren't planning on it being 90 degrees in October, but I do have to say that it didn't feel that hot. Maybe it's because we were having too much fun!

I think it's safe to say that Grant loved the zoo (not so much the two hour car ride each way). He was mesmerized by the fish in the hippo tank, and I think the winner of his favorite animal was the monkeys. He was oh-oh and ah-ah all the way through the primate house. Talk about cute! He also loved the penguin building, especially slapping his hands on the barrier by the water and then putting his hands all over Nikki's face. She probably swallowed more penguin water than she cares to admit. 

I'm already looking forward to our next adventure with Grant. I know the zoo will be a favorite place to go for years to come, but I'm looking forward to even more new adventures with my nephew! 

Grant's First Birthday

Grant, where did the year go? I can still remember meeting you for the first time in the hospital, shedding a few tears as I told you I loved you and held you so close to my heart. I soaked in your new baby smell, your head full of hair, the gentle pitter patter of your heartbeat. You were (and still are) perfect.

And Grant, you've patched up some of my broken parts and healed me in a way. Watching you grow up this year has truly been a blessing. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, because it wasn't. I've cried many times wishing that Ian and Madison were here, wishing that I could have seen them grow up like I've watched you, wishing that you could know your cousins first hand instead of through stories. I'm sure one day you'll ask me about them, and I can't wait to share every detail of their short little lives with you.

Grant, seeing your smile and hearing your laugh has brightened up some of my darkest days. I hope your crazy uncle Eric and I can keep those laughs coming as you grow up. I'm so looking forward to taking you to the park, to the zoo, out for ice-cream, to the movies. I hope you know that we are going to spoil you rotten.

We love you so much Grant, and I can't imagine our lives without you in it. Happy first birthday, Grant!

2018 Pro-Life Women's Conference

I just got back from the third annual Pro-Life Women's Conference, and wow, I can't wait to go back again! My friend from college, Emily, let me crash with her and her family all weekend and for that I am so grateful.

So what does a Pro-Life conference entail? Lots of laughs, some tears, and some wonderful information. We heard from former abortion clinic workers (and let me just say that that was very eye-opening!), women who have had abortion, sidewalk advocates, and other groups dedicated to providing help to women who have had abortions and information (about other options) to women who might be considering abortion. We even got to meet Abby Johnson, a former director of a Planned Parenthood facility and now major advocate for the pro-life movement.

I think one of my favorite parts of this conference was the focus on not just advocating for pro-life options for the unborn, but for all people. As a pro-life movement, we need to help others realize that we care not only for the unborn baby, but for the baby's mother, and then that child once he or she is born. We need more options for healthcare for pregnant women, especially women who are struggling financially. We need solutions to the foster care and adoption issues. And we need to put our money where our mouth is and actually accomplish these goals.

Pro-Life is Pro-Love, and it's our job to make sure that women know they are loved- by us, by Jesus- and that there are other options (and then to provide them with those options) than abortion. 

Summer of Us

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've put up a blog post. I guess you could say that life lately has been pretty uneventful, which I suppose isn't a bad thing. Actually, I've stayed quite busy with my photography, and Eric has been helping out at his parents' house and around our house as well. In fact, some nights we hardly see each other until it's time for bed.

About a month ago, we decided that this summer would be the "Summer of Us". We will hopefully (literally all fingers and toes crossed on this one) be pregnant soon and bringing a baby home at the end of it all (everything double crossed on that one as well). Our time of just the two of us with a somewhat carefree schedule should be coming to an end by next summer.

What does that mean for us? It means that it's a "say yes" summer. If friends want to do something, we are totally doing it. Cardinals game? Yep, that's on the calendar. Trip to Chicago to see some friends, we are already on it. Taking an evening off to just enjoy each other and the sunset, you bet that we have plans for that too. I'm cutting back on the number of weekend photography appointments that I'm taking this summer and fall to make sure that I make time for family, friends, and most importantly, me.

And all that started last weekend when we got together with Doug, Ashley, and Chuck to grill out and spend time on the lake. We couldn't have asked for a better night. I killed two birds with one stone seeing a best friend and also cuddling on her babies (though B was about the only one still up for cuddles. Em and Aug are getting too big!). Thanks for taking us out on the lake Chuck! The Summer of Us is off to a great start!

Dear Madison

Dear Madison,

One year. That's how long it's been since your heart was still beating. That's how long it's been since I felt your last kicks. That's how long it's been since I finally saw that sweet face of yours on my chest.

One year. That's how long I've wondered what our family would be like with you (and your brother) here. That's how long I've went to bed and not been woken up by your hungry/mad/teething/just hold me cries. That's how long I've had this pit in my stomach of knowing that Heaven has yet another one of my babies and we are left here alone.

One year. I still find it hard to believe that it's here already. That 365 days ago I gave birth to you, our daughter, our second child, our second angel.

I remember how I felt as we approached your brother Ian's first birthday in Heaven. I was still mad, still angry that he was taken from us. I was dreading seeing December 16th come closer and closer on that calendar. His birth was a secret, and his death an even bigger one until I could muster up the strength to tell everyone what had happened.

But you, you were different. I'm pretty sure more people than I even know knew that I was about to give birth to you. You were celebrated from the moment everyone knew about you. Not that Ian wasn't, because he most definitely was. But like I said, you were different.

You had so many of our family and friends praying that we would finally get pregnant with you. And when we did, all those people prayed even harder that you would get to stay. When we found out that wasn't God's plan, all those people and more prayed for you, for me, for your dad. They followed along our journey with you. They were changed because of you.

There is absolutely nothing I would change about meeting you. Would I have rather you not have anencephaly? Of course. Would I have rather you got to stay? Absolutely. But meeting you, finally getting to see the child we created, the child God wanted in Heaven more than he wanted here on Earth, the child that served a bigger purpose than I probably will in my entire life- it was the best moment of my life.

This day last year, I couldn't have been more proud of you and you couldn't have been more perfect. When I think back to that day, all I can remember is the love I felt in that room- my love for you, for your dad, for God, for our family and friends who stayed up so long to meet you. Your birth, despite the circumstances, will always be one of the happiest memories I have.

I hope that we've made you proud Maddie. I hope that you smile as you look down on us, and I hope that we are honoring you in every way possible. I promised to carry you for all of my life, and to praise God for choosing me to be your momma. And I pray that you give me the strength to keep doing just that for all the rest of your birthdays.

Happy first birthday sweet girl, we love you so <3