Ian, it doesn't seem possible that four years ago you made your appearance and changed your daddy and I's lives forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you (and your sister), and wish more than anything that you were here with me instead of in Heaven.
I used to be so angry at the fact that God took you from us. I was angry that you had to leave so soon, angry that you were so badly wanted and just like that we couldn't have you. I was angry that everyone else got to keep their baby and I didn't. I was angry at God for doing this to your dad and I, for causing us so much pain and grief and heartache. It wasn't fair. And it still isn't.
But it's amazing what four years can do. There are still times when I find myself angry that you aren't here. But those times are few and far between. Two readings at mass this morning really hit home. It's like God knew that I needed to hear these verses on your birthday.
The first is from Zephaniah 3:14-18. I'm paraphrasing here, but it says, "Shout for joy....be glad and exult with all your heart...The Lord is in your midst, you have no further misfortune to fear...Do not fear, do not be discouraged." The Lord stayed by my side these past four years. He has seen me through my worst moments, and He is still here with me. Because of Him, I am able to be glad and joyful. Because of Him, my anger has softened and my fear of what's to come has lessened.
And then Philippians 4:4-7 reads, "Rejoice in the Lord always, I shall say it again: rejoice!...The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This year, while my heart still aches from the gaping hole that your death placed there and my arms still long to hold you just one more time, I am able to rejoice in knowing that you are in the most perfect place, baby boy. You get to sit on Jesus' lap and listen to His own stories and learn from Him in person. You get to watch over your daddy and I, and play with your little sister. You have the best seat in the house, and I have to admit I'm a little jealous of that.
On the night you were born, Ian, the night wind whispered that life would never be the same. And it hasn't. But oh, sweet boy, Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn, on that wonderful, marvelous night you were born.
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