Brayden and Ashley: Fifteen Months

How we are already 15 months old is beside me, but here we are! Brayden and Ashley have had a big past few months, and every day I look forward to seeing what new thing they can do or word they can say. 

 

Brayden, your dimpled smile can light up any room you come into. You are the true definition of a momma's boy, and I couldn't love it more. Your absolute favorite toy is a book (much to daddy's dismay- he'd prefer it be a ball), and you like to let us know you want us to read it by shoving it up in our faces. We could read the same book 100 times in a row- and sometimes we have- and you would never get bored of it. Your favorite books are the counting book, Red Pepper Yellow Squash, and any lift the flap book (which you and your sister have continued to ruin as you rip off the flaps....). Your one true love is food, and you can get pretty hangry if you don't get something to eat when you want it. You weigh 27.8 pounds and are about 31.5 inches tall. You love the dogs, and like to let them give you french kisses when we are playing in the yard. And the outside, that's your favorite place to be. You've shed a few tears when we had to come in to eat. I have a feeling we will be living outside this summer. You are walking a ton, but still do a decent amount of crawling. Your steps are a little smaller and your balance a little shakier than your sister, but you've also got a few extra pounds on you, so I know you'll get there. You wear your emotions on your sleeve, which can turn into some pretty random tantrums of you screaming on the floor. Luckily they don't last long, and we are hoping that that drive will serve you well as you get older. You still drool so much. I can't even explain the amount of drool that comes out of your mouth. So if you look back on pictures one day and wonder why you have a wet bib on in every photo of you, that's why. Your favorite spot (inside) is on the couch, or wherever a book is being read. Brady-bug, we hope you never lose your love of reading and adventure. 

 

Ashley, you are our little firecracker. You still laugh every time you see Moana save the baby turtle. Your favorite word is "bup" (or in big people's terms- up), because you love to be up where we are to see everything. You have to sit on my lap to eat your snack after daycare. No one can quite make you laugh like your daddy can, but Brayden is a close second. And that laugh, it is quite infectious. You weigh 24 pounds and are about 30.5  inches tall. You used to hate when I left daycare in the mornings, unless I could sneak out while you are sitting on Amanda's lap. And now when it's time to pick you up, you act like you want to stay and cuddle with Amanda instead of coming home with me. (At least your brother is excited when I come get you guys ha!) Speaking of cuddling, you are my little cuddle bug. You will weasel your way between Brayden and me to get to my shoulder, and when you lay your little head down and stick that thumb in your mouth I can't help but let out a big smile. That's one of my favorite moments in my day. You love to walk, and are definitely walking almost exclusively now. I still find it weird to see you just walking into the kitchen while I'm doing dishes though. Stop growing up stinker! You love trying to put on all of our shoes and playing peek-a-boo with a blanket or your sleep sack. And pillows, you love a good pillow. (That's something you got from your daddy.) You enjoy cuddling up with us with a good book, and eating the dandelions out of the yard. Don't worry, each time you try them you decide that they don't taste that great, but you still try them nonetheless. We hope you never lose that sassy spunk and crinkled nose smile.

Post Mother's Day Thoughts

Mother's Day. 

I really used to dread this day. For almost 6 years it was a constant reminder that the children we so desperately prayed for couldn't stay. It was a reminder that I may never get to mother my own children here on Earth. For all the women missing a piece of their heart here on Earth, and all those women who long to be a momma, I know how hard yesterday was for you. There is no bigger reminder of the things you don't have when the whole world is celebrating what you so desperately want. 

This year was my first full year of being a mother to my children on Earth. It was a year filled with so much joy, so much happiness, but also frustrations, exhaustion, and stress (because let's all be honest here- motherhood isn't all rainbows and butterflies). 

When I look at this picture of Brayden and Ashley cuddled up on the couch with me, I can't help but smile. This was what I had longed for for 6 years. This is what I had always pictured when I thought of myself as a mom. Even though being their favorite person can have it's downfalls- like not being able to do literally anything without one of them all up in my business, it is literally the best job title I could ever have. 

But looking at that picture also brings with it some pangs of sadness, as there should be two more kids on my lap. Knowing that our family (and my lap) will never be totally complete is a huge bummer, even in all the joy that having my kids here with me brings. Balancing grief and happiness is a crazy ride that I'm still trying to get my bearings on. 

For all the moms out there stuck in that weird limbo of being thankful for what you have here and longing for what you have in Heaven, I hope that you can rejoice knowing that one day your family will once again be reunited. 

For all the moms still stuck in the despair of losing a piece of their heart, I'm sorry that yesterday was so tough for you. There's no mother more deserving than a mother who had to give one back.

And for all the women longing to be called momma one day, don't give up hope. I can't promise that you'll finally get all that you've hoped for. But I can tell you that you are a mother in more ways than you know- whether that's through a niece or nephew, a best friend's child, or even your own siblings, you've shared a special motherly touch with them that can never be replaced or duplicated. 

As we enter a post Mother's Day week, let's not forget the thankfulness and love we all shared for our own mothers, or that which was shared with yourself. Let's show those special women in our lives, especially those that are hurting, just how much they mean to us each and every day, not just on Mother's Day. 

BIG

Brayden and Ashley are getting big in more ways than one. That's right- we have a big brother and big sister on our hands! Baby Schackmann #5 is set to make his or her arrival at the end of October.

Since it took about six months from our first transfer trying for the twins until we actually had a successful transfer (not to mention all the months before that preparing for/having an egg retrieval), Eric and I decided this past fall that we were wanting to get back on the radar at Dr. Dayal's office for a transfer for our next baby. 

We chatted with her in October, and were all set to have our first transfer in December. That is until my numbers weren't doing what they were supposed to do and Dr. Dayal canceled our transfer a few days before we were supposed to go in. After a little initial heartbreak of not being able to do the transfer in December, we started up medicine again to have our transfer in February.

February 11th we made our way over to St. Louis. Thanks to Covid, things looked different this time around and Eric wasn't allowed to come into the building with me. Thank goodness for technology and the fact that we could Facetime during the procedure (even though he says he couldn't really see anything that was happening- hey, at least he was "there" for it). 

On the 19th we had our first blood draw (and I miiiiiiight have taken a home pregnancy test that morning before work as well), and it came back that we were pregnant! I don't think that Eric or I were expecting our first transfer to work, especially since it took three transfers to get Brayden and Ashley. 

March 8th we got to see our little bean and its beating heart for the first time, and we have had four ultrasounds since then. (And yes, there is only one this time.)

Just yesterday we confirmed that baby Schackmann has a perfectly round, complete head, and a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders. I tell you what, pregnancy (especially pregnancy after loss) sure is NERVEWRECKING. 

I'm officially 14 weeks today, and overall I've been doing very well. I've been a little extra tired, a little nauseous throughout the day (I might eat two breakfasts and then an early supper on my way home from work...), and I might have already busted out my maternity clothes (seriously, my stomach popped out way early this time around). 

We are so excited to meet you this fall, baby!