The Day I Realized I Wasn't "OK"

It's been over two months since we found out our sweet Ian had left this earth to be with Jesus. These few months have been the hardest months in Eric and I's life together. I know that others realize that these are hard times for us as well. I often get asked how I'm doing. The common response is "I'm doing OK." But am I really OK?

The short answer is no, I haven't been OK for a little while now. I may look OK. I smile, I laugh, I do things that I used to do, but deep down, I just don't feel right. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day, almost as if I am looking at myself from afar going through life. The past few days I finally told Eric how I have been feeling. 

While laying in bed last night, I could tell that something was different between us. Eric was frustrated, and I was the reason. As much as he tried to make me laugh, to make me smile, to bring some normalcy back into our lives, I was pushing him away. I was holding onto my grief, letting it encompass me, letting it affect our marriage. I wasn't allowing myself to get better, and Eric was paying the price.  

Eric said something profound to me last night. He told me, "You have to let go at some point. You can't keep going to the place that brings you so much grief. Do you notice how my family and I act around Julie's grave? It's hard. It brings back so much pain, that's why I can't go out there very often. But Julie visits me sometimes in my dreams. That's when I feel close to her." 

I never realized how visiting Ian's grave so often has hindered my grieving process and not allowed me to let go of the grief. Looking back now, I probably have visited Ian's grave too much. I have gone to see him almost every week, sometimes more than once a week. I feel like I owe it to Ian to go visit him. That's where I feel the closest to him, where I feel like I can talk to him, where I can be with him one more time. But that's also where I feel the saddest, where I cry the most, where all the pain of losing him is brought back to the forefront. 

To truly feel OK, to feel better than OK, I have to let go of my grief. It took Eric to make me realize that letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it means finding a new normal to remember Ian by. It means feeling close to Ian in a place that brings me happiness instead of sadness. 

I'm not to that place yet, I know I can't reach it in a day. But I'm now aware of what's been holding me back. I'm making a conscious effort to be happy, to start living life in a way that would make Ian proud to call me his mother, and Eric proud to call me his wife.