Baby #2: Final Thoughts Before we Meet

Well, it's official. We are heading to the hospital late tonight to get started on my induction. It's hard to believe that these past 9 months have gone by so quickly. I can still remember how giddy I felt when I saw those two pink lines, and the look on Eric's face when I told him that we were having another baby. Those moments, like many others throughout this pregnancy, have been etched in my memory forever.

As I'm writing this, Madison is kicking away. The rain is lightly falling, and the dogs are sleeping soundly in the doghouse. Just a few hours ago I met with Dr. Haller and we discussed our plans to induce and what the coming days will look like. Honestly, there is still so much that is unknown. How long will labor take? Will Madison be born alive? Will she live for a minute, ten minutes, hours, even days? Will tomorrow be the day that we say hello and goodbye to our daughter? Only God knows the answers to those questions, and, quite frankly, that's scary. I'm the type of person who needs a plan for everything, so the unplanned nature of all of this terrifies me.

I mean, how do you prepare to say goodbye to your child? Sure, I did it with Ian, but his birth was so different as he had already passed away. And not that his life mattered any less than Madison's has just because it was shorter, but I've had 9 whole months to get attached to Madison. I've felt her kick and roll, watched her move my stomach like I was popping popcorn in there, felt her little hiccups. This time I know things will just be different. Starting with the fact that she may (hopefully) be born alive. I'm so unprepared for all of this. I don't know how someone can be. Yes, I've known that she was going to die since October, but it was always something that was so much in the future. Now, it's days, potentially hours away. I'm not ready. I never will be. But whether I'm ready or not, it's happening soon.

So I think I'll share a letter that I'm writing to Madison. My way of saying goodbye to her.
  

......

Hey there sweet girl, it's your momma. I have so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that I want to show you. But there will never be enough time for all of that. I hope this letter is enough to show you how much you are loved, how much you are wanted, and how much I'm going to miss you.

In fact, I already miss so many things. I already miss saying good morning to you as I'm getting ready for work and I feel your first kicks of the day. I already miss the way you move like crazy when I eat a little chocolate. I know you would have been a chocolate lover like your momma. I already miss putting my hand on my belly to feel your kicks. I already miss you jutting your body parts out on my right side so i can feel them. I already miss you getting your legs up in my ribs, making it hard for me to breath, even though I always plead with you for you to move them quickly and give me some relief. I already miss eating that extra cookie, cupcake, or second helping of carbs and blaming it on you. I already miss watching your kicks and jabs dance across my belly. I already miss the feeling of your hiccups. I already miss the fullness of you in my belly. I know I'll feel so empty once you're gone. I already miss the way you don't ever kick your daddy's hand when he puts it on my belly, at least not until you make him wait for what seems like forever. I already miss the way you always seem to kick him in the back when we are cuddling. I already miss reading you your story every night. Daddy and I have that book memorized, as I'm sure you do too. I already miss getting up to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I already miss your daddy saying "goodnight Maddie" or "I love you, too Maddie" after he tells me goodnight. I already miss you. 

You are leaving a huge hole in my heart, in my whole body. Nothing will ever take that away. I know with your help, and the help of all my family and friends, I'll start to heal and the pain will lessen. But I also know that it will never go away, and I'll have to live with missing you and wondering who you would have become if you were still here for the rest of my life. 

But do know baby girl that where you are going is a million times better than here. You'll never have to suffer, you'll never know hate. You'll only feel love for all eternity. Daddy and I's love, our friends' and families' love, and best of all, Jesus' love. You'll get to sit on his lap and listen to his stories like only angels can do. I'm sure once I get to Heaven you'll know more about Him than I will. I can't wait for you to show me around, to introduce me to everyone. 

I do have a few people you need to look for up there, although I'm sure they will seek you out before you even get the chance. I hope your brother Ian runs up to greet you before you even know what's going on. Please give him a hug and kiss from your daddy and I. Be on the lookout for your aunt Julie and uncle Ryan. I'm sure they'll both have crazy stories about us from what they've seen from Heaven. Then there's some other friends I want you to meet as well. Greyson, Malachi, Marianna, Phoenix, Grace, Olivia, baby Heiden, and a whole slew of other babies that I know I'm forgetting that left Earth too soon. You guys will have so much fun growing up together. I hope you all feel proud of who your mommies and daddies have become. 

I know you won't, but don't forget about us down here Maddie. Tell Ian to keep sending us those white butterflies. I can't wait to see what sign you send us. Please keep coming to me in my dreams. Give me all this strength that everyone says that I have. And don't forget about your daddy too. He may seem stronger, but I know that he's hurting just as much as I am. Please don't ever forget how much we love you, Madison. I'm sure I'll tell you a million and one times once I meet you, but it will always be a million times too few. Have fun learning to fly, and don't get into too much trouble up there. Lord knows you've been a stubborn baby during your time here ha! We will love you forever and ever and ever.

Until we meet again, love mommy.