Madison's Birth Story

 

I'm struggling with what to say in this post. I've been putting off writing it for a few days now. Maybe it's because I don't know exactly what I want to say. Maybe it's because I was wanting to get the pictures back from our photographer before I wrote this (and I haven't gotten them back yet, hopefully this week!). Maybe it's because- O.K. I know that this is the real reason, aside from my first reason of not knowing exactly what to say- I didn't want to cry again. I wasn't ready to go back to the pain and the difficult memories. But then I realized that I was depriving myself from reliving one of the best nights of my life. I never want to forget everything that happened, so I guess it's time to share it with all of you.

I'll back up to Monday, March 6th. I started the morning getting to see Maddie move around one last time on an ultrasound. During the scan she was using one hand to play with her toes and the other was, you guessed it, up by her face. The tech said that Madison was head down, and after talking with Dr. Haller, we agreed to come in early Tuesday morning to start our induction. That night, Eric and I had one more memory to make with Madison. We took her to where we went on our first date- Steak and Shake (romantic I know ha!). It was nice to get lost in the moment one last time. To almost forget what the days ahead would bring. It was a much needed start to the next few days. Dr. Haller told us that we could come in any time after midnight that night, so after dinner we headed back home to try to get some sleep. Somehow I was able to fall asleep for a few hours, but I know that Eric didn't. When our alarm went off around 1 AM, I knew that neither of us were really ready to leave. Somehow we managed to get out of bed and in the car on the way to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital, we took a few final deep breaths before walking through the door. I started the check-in process and the woman checking me in asked if we were excited, obviously oblivious to what we were about to go through. Somehow I mumbled an "I guess so" and luckily we were shortly on our way to our room. Our nurse, Abby, came in and introduced herself. When she told us that she felt like she was meant to have me as her patient, I knew that we would be in the best hands possible during our stay. She did above and beyond what she needed to do, and that started with her stealing another chair/recliner for Eric from another room after discovering that the one in our room squeaked with any move you made in it. She got my Pitocin started and by around 2:30 that morning, we were finally ready to try and get some more sleep. Eric managed to get some sleep on the pull out bed, and I drifted in and out of sleep as Abby came in to check on me and increase my Pitocin. One thing that I never want to forget about that night was falling asleep to the sound of Madison's heartbeat. Even though I had written in my birth plan that we only wanted intermittent fetal heart tones, whether intentional or not, Abby had them on and turned up so that we could hear them. A little blessing in disguise. That night and early the next morning are the last time that we would hear her heart beating. We could see her heartbeat on the screen throughout the next day, but the sound was turned off. It was the most perfect lullaby to fall asleep to.

Tuesday morning started with a visit from Dr. Haller. I was still only dilated to a one, but she said that my cervix was getting thinner. Our parents and siblings arrived shortly after that. It was nice to have some distraction from everything. My contractions were getting stronger and stronger, and were really pretty close together. Around lunch time, the pain started getting a lot worse. I got up to use the restroom, and they let me stand by my bed for a while. I thought I was doing pretty good, but as soon as I laid back down the pain became so much worse. I was in tears as we waited for the anesthesiologist to come in and give me my epidural. I was so nervous about getting one, which is why I'm sure I put it off for so long. But let me tell you, that thing was a life saver! The initial shot they gave me to make me numb stung and then felt like fire going across my back as it numbed me up, but then all I could feel was the pressure from the epidural needle and catheter going into my back. Then sweet, sweet relief. After that, we were both able to take a much needed nap. 

We woke up around 5, and discovered that I was now dilated to a three, and Dr. Haller said that Madison was really pushing down on my cervix. Ashley and Kendra got to the hospital a little after that, and a few hours later Kaci arrived. Those girls, along with our families, helped things feel "normal" as we waited for my labor to progress. By 8 that night I was at a 5 and by 11 PM I was dilated to a 7. At this point, I know that I was in a lot of pain. The epidural had relieved the pain from my contractions, but now I was feeling an intense amount of pressure that couldn't be relieved no matter what I tried. I hated when Dr. Haller or Abby would check me because even that had become so painful. By 11:30 I was dilated to a 9. I know that I wanted to push so badly, but they wouldn't let me. 

I also know that every time a contraction came and the pressure came on just as hard, I would squeeze Eric's hand like I was holding on for dear life. Eric was truly incredible throughout my entire labor and delivery. He was right there by my side. He reminded me to breathe, gave me drinks of water, let me squeeze his hand so hard. I never could have made it through without him.

When the time came to push, I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to push hard enough to have her. It felt like I was pushing forever, I have no idea how long it actually took. At some point Dr. Haller gave me an episiotomy. Because her head was smaller than a typical newborn's, one of her shoulders was stuck. After getting the episiotomy, it was only a few more pushes until Madison was born. All of the pain was instantly gone. Dr. Haller lifted her up and placed her on my chest and I couldn't stop smiling. She was so incredibly perfect. She had the chubbiest cheeks, the longest arms (which she used to put a hand up by her face during delivery) and legs ever, the cutest little bottom. I couldn't get enough of her. 

A nurse came to check for a heartbeat but I knew that she was already gone. In that moment though, none of that seemed to matter. I finally got to meet my baby girl, my daughter, who I'd been dreaming about meeting for nine months. She was finally here and I was just so happy. I really felt so at peace with the entire situation. Yes, I had hoped that she would be born alive, but in the moment I didn't care. I was too busy soaking up all of her perfect details, trying to memorize the weight of her in my arms. I know that if you read Eric's letter (and yes, I did finally read it myself) you know that my smile did not leave my face. Not through our families or friends crying as they met Madison, not through reading her book to her (which I totally thought would make me cry), not through her baptism, bathing her, or dressing her. I can honestly say that that night was the best night of my life and I was so incredibly happy to have her in my arms. 

The next few hours all blur together in my mind, but shortly after Madison was born, Kendra came in to take some pictures of our first few moments together. I will cherish those photos for the rest of my life. We also had another photographer come in later who used to be registered with the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep bereavement photography program. There is currently only one photographer for the Effingham area listed on the website, and she was due right around the same time as me so she was unable to do it. But thankfully she led me to Megan from Diekemper Photography, who went above and beyond taking pictures for us in the hours that followed. I can't wait to get those photos back.

After our family and friends met Maddie, we had her baptized by Father Probst, who never ceases to amaze me with his true kindness, compassion, and willingness to be there for us no matter the time. We were able to read "On the Night You Were Born" to Madison. We gave her a bath, dressed her in the cutest pink outfit, and even cut some of her peach fuzz hair for us to keep. I think almost everyone in the room got their picture taken with her. I knew it was hard for our families to say goodbye that night, but at that point it was almost 3 o'clock in the morning. Once everyone left, Eric and I had time with Maddie to ourselves again. Abby came back in and helped us make the million and one handprint/footprint mementos that we wanted. I know I mentioned this at the beginning of the blog post, but I couldn't have asked for a better nurse than Abby. She treated Madison like any other baby, explaining what the white stuff on her skin was (and complaining with us when it took forever to get it off of her while giving her her bath), showing us how to clean out Maddie's ears, admiring her long fingers and toes. God knew what he was doing making her our nurse.

I don't even know what time we went to bed that morning. I know that I didn't want to waste my time with Madison sleeping, but exhaustion finally won out. The best part about those few hours we napped was that I was able to sleep with Maddie right next to me, cuddled up in her pink blanket in my arms. I couldn't have asked for anything more. When we woke up, I knew that our time with Madison was almost done. She was so, so cold, and her joints were now stiff and rigid. The hardest thing to do was contact Jason and Lisa Meyer, the funeral director/Jasper County coroner and his wife, to come get Madison. Eric and I both held her again, soaking up her details one last time. I was able to get up and sit with her in the rocker. For a moment I felt like any other mom rocking her baby to sleep. I finally cried when I had to hand Madison over to Lisa. I knew that I would never be ready to give her up, that I would hold her forever if I could. But I couldn't. I gave Maddie one final kiss and "I love you" and made them leave before I could change my mind. Part of me wanted to scream at them to stop and turn around, but I knew that that wouldn't change anything. So instead I held onto Eric and cried. We were discharged around noon, and spent the rest of the day in each others arms. 

Our beautiful baby girl was born a beautiful angel at 12:23 AM on March 8th, 2017. She was 19 inches long and weighed 5 pounds, 5.8 ounces. She had long arms and legs like her daddy. And Kendra swears that she got her long fingers from her. She had brown hair and chubby little cheeks. I would love to know if she got her daddy's brown eyes or if she would have been able to sing like me. Or know if Erin, Nichole, or James would teach her her first bad word or annoying habit. Some things I guess we weren't meant to know. But I do know that Madison was loved for every.single.second of her life. Not many people can say that. She was prayed for by so many people, people we don't even know. Our sweet girl touched the lives of many more people than I'm sure we realize. And now she's in the place I can only hope of going some day. So until that day, I'll spend the rest of my life loving her, missing her, and wondering who she would have been. Fly high, Madison, Mommy and Daddy love you so much.