Love Notes from God

So I've mentioned before that I often find something from our church service that speaks directly to me and gives me exactly what I'm needing in that situation. It had been a few weeks since we have been to church, and as I walked in this morning and knelt down, I prayed that God would give me some direction. I want so badly to be a mom, and I asked God to let me in on His plan for us.

As I was listening to the readings, the second reading grabbed my attention at the first line- "I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). Seriously, could God be speaking to me any clearer? He knows the suffering and pain that Eric and I have been through. I picture us standing around a truck bed talking to God, telling Him about all that we have been through (like He doesn't already know). God looks at us with this little smirk on his face, slaps us on the shoulder, and says "Just wait." Just wait for the glory that will be revealed to us. For He knows our sufferings, and as much as they hurt now, they will be nothing when we compare the glory that God has in store for us. It's amazing what we hear when we just listen.

Speaking of just listening, I was struck again by God's word when the Gospel was read. This weeks reading was from Matthew chapter 13- The Parable of the Sower. The sermon talked more about this parable and how we are all sowers of the seed and it is our responsibility to sow God's word in our children and those around us, so that they may sow God's word in their children and so on. Not all seeds are sown in rich soil, but those that are will produce fruit "a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold". While we don't have any children here on Earth, we are still responsible for sowing God's word. God has placed in my heart the desire to better help others going through similar situations as us. I've really been thinking more and more about it lately, especially after receiving so many messages from women who have gone through multiple miscarriages or who have been struggling to conceive. Just a few days ago I spoke with Eric's cousin Ashley to design a few things for me to use. I still wasn't sure when I would find the time to dedicate to it or if I would even have anything to say that others would want to read, but after hearing the message today, I have an even greater desire to set my plan in motion. If I can just sow the glory of God's word into one person's rich soil, the reward will be more than worth it. So be on the lookout for that announcement coming soon!

Grant Levi Walters

These past two days have been emotionally loaded for me. Monday morning Eric's sister Nichole texted us that they were in the hospital getting ready to have their baby. I still remember when they told us that they were pregnant on Christmas Eve before midnight mass. I was so thankful that they told us before they surprised everyone at our family Christmas, but boy was that hard. I think I cried in the bathroom for the first 15 minutes of mass. Since that day, I've known that this day was coming (though it wasn't supposed to happen until August. Guess Grant couldn't wait to meet us all!). But I didn't realize how not ready I was for all of this until yesterday. 

I think I've felt every emotion under the sun- pure excitement and joy to meet my nephew, extreme sadness that I haven't gotten to feel this kind of joy myself, jealousy that Nikki and Connor get to experience parenting in a way that Eric and I should have been doing two years ago, fear that adding this new addition to our family would put Ian and Madison on the back-burner. Most of all, I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for this little boy that God placed in our lives. Nothing has felt better since holding Madison than Grant felt in my arms. I'm so thankful that I get to be an integral part of this little guy's life.

And I'm so thankful that I get to watch Eric be an uncle. I might have gone to meet Grant this morning by myself, and I'm so glad I did because I totally cried once I held Grant and I didn't want a whole group of people to see that. I went back with Eric once he got home from work today. The room was full and some of Nikki and Connor's friends were holding Grant. When Eric finally got the chance to meet his nephew, my heart melted into a million pieces and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to put them all back together. The way he smiled down at Grant as he was sleeping in his arms is a look that I hope I remember the rest of my life. Pure joy on his face. It honestly almost broke my heart that I haven't been able to give that to him. And I would have cried right then and there if the room wasn't full of people. I want nothing more than to give Eric a baby (or two, or three, or four) of his own. For now though, I get to catch a glimpse into what life will be like as he interacts with Grant. I have this strange feeling that these two are going to be the best of buds, and I'm so excited to see their relationship grow and develop into something wonderful.

So if you need me in the next couple of weeks, you might be able to find me at Nikki and Connor's house with a baby in my arms. Seriously though, I'm taking all the Grant cuddles I can get. Uncle Eric and Aunt Sharon love you so much Grant!

My Best Friend's Baby- Round Two, Part 1

Two weeks ago I went to visit Kaci, Jason, Orie, and their newest edition- Oswyn. I couldn't get enough of all 9 pounds of her chubby cheeks and arm rolls. And I was lucky enough to spend a few hours cuddling her while I took her newborn pictures- which will be done very soon!

I know that two weeks is a long time to wait to put up a blog post, but I think I waited so long because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say in it. I am overjoyed for Kaci and Jason. I know they will rock being parents to two beautiful babies. But I can't lie, this has all been so hard for me. Seeing Kaci with her two babies makes me miss my two babies even more. I should be talking all about what my two kids are doing and how their births went and what neat new thing they can do, instead I sat in silence while Ashley and Kaci swapped stories.

And things won't get any easier as Ashley and Kendra are both pregnant too, welcoming their third and second babies towards the end of this year. It is so hard seeing them live out what I yearn for the most. As a side note- I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me, I'm simply writing what I know a lot of people in my shoes, whether it's because of infertility or pregnancy loss, feel every day. If I can be the voice for people like me who don't have the outlet to let others know our side of the story, then I'm going to shout it from the rooftops. I know I speak for everyone when I say that I couldn't be happier for them. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone. But that doesn't make things any easier.

I can't wait to watch Oswyn grow up and see how great Orie is as a big sister. And even though it's hard for me to picture Auggie as a big brother, I know that he and his new little brother will be the best of buds. Em is already rocking the big sister gig, and I'm sure that having another little brother to boss around will only make things more fun. And Dez, he's going to love having a baby brother or sister (its gender is still to be determined) to teach all of the cool things he knows. Watching them grow up won't make me miss my babies any less, in fact, it makes me miss them more. But it also makes me want to be even more in their lives, to give them even more love and praise and everything good. Because my heart has so much love to give, and my arms ache to hold a growing babe in them. So until I have one of my own here on Earth,  I'm enjoying every bit of my best friends' bundles of joy.