Mother's Day 2020

"Mommy's first Mother's Day"

That's what Ashley and Brayden's shirts read today. My first Mother's Day. In a way it's true, but it's also a lie.

My first Mother's Day was in 2015, five months after losing Ian. He wasn't supposed to be here until after Mother's Day that year, but God was ready for him long before then. And ever since then, I've been mothering my dead son, and as of 2017, my dead daughter.

For the past four years, my motherhood has consisted of visiting a cemetery on Mother's Days and birthdays. I knew I was technically a mother, but it's hard to feel like a true mom when your baby isn't here with you.

When Brayden and Ashley were born this February, I felt like this huge hole in my heart left by Ian and Madison began filling back up. And I don't mean that Brady and Ashley are in any way replacing Ian and Madison, because there's no way that they could do that. But ever since that day, I have been so overfilled with love that I almost can't stand it.

This week when I was putting Brayden down in his crib for the night, I just stood there rocking him and started crying. Never in my life have I felt so many emotions for two little people. Joy. Frustration (because I'm not trying to sugarcoat it and say I've never been frustrated with them- I'm only human). Hope. Love.

I became overwhelmed with all these different emotions flooding through my body. How can I love these two babies so much? How did we get so lucky that they are ours? Do they know how much we love them? Am I loving them both equally? Do I favor one over the other? Am I giving our marriage enough of my time? Am I giving me enough of my time? Am I good mother or am I just "good enough"?

Motherhood is a crazy journey. It's so incredibly hard. I've cried tears of frustration. I've bounced a baby around the room trying to stop their screams, all while the other one wakes up crying as well. I've cuddled one to my chest and bounced one on my leg. I've stuck a pacifier in the mouth of one crying baby, then a pacifier in the mouth of the other crying baby, and then back to the first baby to do it again because she spit it out. I've slept on the couch with one baby because they just wouldn't go back to sleep at night. I've stared at them and begged them to be able to tell me what was wrong. I've formula fed because I can barely keep up my supply with two babies. I've cried in the shower because I've wondered if I was doing everything right and in the best way that I could.

But motherhood is also so incredibly beautiful. I've soothed a crying baby (many times two crying babies at the same time) by a simple cuddle. I've wiped away tears and brought on smiles. I've witnessed personalities develop. I've seen smiles come to faces by just seeing me. I've cheered on their biggest accomplishments. And I've snuggled the heck out of the two of them.

Never in my life did I expect motherhood to feel the way it does. It's a million times better than I had ever imagined. Knowing that I am now responsible for two little lives is terrifying, but it's the greatest challenge I could have asked for. And knowing that I am responsible for teaching these two about the two babies that made me a mother long before they got here is a challenge that I gladly accept.

Brayden and Ashley might not have made me a mother, but they've forever changed my motherhood journey. I thank God every day for the two of them. There might be hard days, but the good days more than make up for them.

I often wonder how I can love them any more than I do right at this moment. And then the next day comes and I wonder the same thing. I guess that's what motherhood boils down to- always wondering if you could ever love them more, only to find out the next day that you can. And you do. And you are more than enough for them.

So Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there wondering if they are enough (because you are), to all the mommas celebrating for the first time (because isn't this the best thing in the world?), and to all the mommas wishing their baby was here with them (because nothing reminds you more that your baby isn't here than a day celebrating mothers). Here's to all of you, because being a mom isn't an easy job, but boy is it worth it.