2015 in Review

2015. I can't say that I'm sad to see you go. Most of 2015 was spent learning to live life without Ian, without what could have been, what should have been. There were many nights of crying myself to sleep. Many nights I questioned why God could allow this to happen. Many nights I wanted to curl up next to Eric and never get out of bed.

But there were also many nights of good times. Many nights of laughing with Eric until our stomachs hurt. Many nights of staying up a little too late to finish a bottle of wine. Many nights with friends and family filled with love.

I thoroughly enjoyed finding pictures for this blog post, because it showed me just how blessed my year was. Those blessings can get lost pretty easily, so I'm glad I was able to remind myself of them as the year comes to a close. 

Here's a few of my favorite moments from 2015!

Eric and I took a little mini-vacation to the Smoky Mountains this summer to celebrate two years of marriage. We stayed in a quaint little cabin with a killer view. We ate way too much food and watched the sunrise from the hot tub. We enjoyed shooting sporting clays, visiting the aquarium, and tasting lots of wine and moonshine. We even saw a bear- a little too close of an encounter for me!- while we hiked to a waterfall. It was the perfect getaway!

Ian's tombstone finally came in and was set at his gravesite. I loved how it turned out. Every time I visit him, I touch his little hand and foot prints and am reminded of the life I was able to carry for 17 weeks. Life is truly precious, cherish each moment.

We also welcomed a new member into our family-Cassie! She's our fetch-loving, rope-pulling, treat-stealing, non-stop puppy, and we couldn't love her more. 

In September I made the decision to leave Integrated Therapy Services and accepted a position as the Speech-Language Pathologist at Palestine Grade School. It wasn't an easy decision, but I'm so happy with it. I love my new school, my co-workers, and my students and am excited to see them grow as we head into the new year.

This year saw me kill my first deer! It was an unreal experience that I can't wait to do again. Nothing beats knowing that you actually put meat on the table for your family. 

After getting my DSLR camera, I took the plunge into starting a little photography business. To say that this business has exceeded my expectations is an understatement. I love taking pictures. Finding the best light, getting the right angle, placing people in just the right pose- it's a combination that results in pretty awesome pictures. I still have tons to learn, and plan to continue to learn and grow as I take more and more pictures. I can't wait to see where 2016 takes "Schackmann Photography". Be on the lookout for new branding and a big surprise hopefully this summer!

This last picture probably sums up the hardest, yet best times of 2015. I was lucky enough to watch Kendra and Kaci become moms, and Ashley add one more to her beautiful family. I won't lie and say it was easy watching them continue on with their pregnancies and bring home a baby. It was hard, really hard. There was lots of tears, lots of jealousy, lots of questioning "why them and not me?". But there have been even more smiles, even more laughs, and even more blessings watching these babies grow up. When we all get together, the first thing I want to do is hold one of them. I love their baby smell, their big eyes, all the potential inside of them. And I remind them every time I hold them that Ian is watching over them. I can't wait to continue to watch Desmond, August, and Orie grow up. I know it won't always be easy, but it will be worth it. 

I'm looking forward to 2015 coming to an end tonight. Not because of what the year was, but because of what 2016 has the potential to become. 2015 has been a year of transition in many ways. I hope that 2016 brings much more love, much more happiness, much more laughing, and hopefully even another baby to add to our family. (Prayers appreciated that that last one comes true!) Have a Happy New Years Eve and an even more blessed 2016.

The Happenings of Bailey and Cassie

Life's rough when you're a dog, can't you tell?

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, the dogs have slowly been creeping their way further and further into the house. It doesn't help when someone in the house let's Bailey do this:

If you know Cassie, you know that if someone is getting attention, she wants some too. So one day while Eric was letting Bailey sit on his lap, this happened.

She just wanted some kisses! She didn't stay up there long, and was soon laying right next to the recliner sleeping like a baby, I mean puppy. 

Speaking of puppies, look at how big Cassie is!! I can't believe she's six months old. She weighs the same as Bailey and stands and sits taller than her. It won't be long before she will be substantially bigger than Bailey. 

And one last picture for you- the cone of shame! Cassie got spayed yesterday and she wouldn't stop licking her stitches, which resulted in this. Which also resulted in Cassie completely ignoring me, including sitting turned away from me with her head held down, as well as running into walls, door frames, and getting stuck in the mud. I finally gave in and took it off of her. She hasn't done too bad with not licking the stitches, and since I'm home from school I can keep an eye on her and get her to stop if she starts licking. I'm looking forward to when those stitches come out!

Hope you enjoyed this puppy update!

One Year Angel-versary

December 16th. Last year, I never wanted that day to come. I remember Eric holding me in bed on the night of the 15th as I cried until I had no more tears. For I knew what the 16th would hold. I would get to meet our baby, get to find out if he was a he or a she. But I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to hold Ian for the first and last time. Wasn't ready to leave the hospital with my arms empty. Wasn't ready to plan a funeral. I wasn't ready.

Not much has changed this year. As I sit here writing this on the night of the 15th, I'm again not ready for the 16th to come. I'm not ready to remember what happened just one year ago. Not ready for the "I'm sorry's" and hugs. Not ready to feel the emptiness inside me knowing that Ian's not here.

But life doesn't care if I'm ready or not. Because just like last year, the 16th will come without a passing glance. It won't go without Ian being remembered, though.

About 6 months ago, I realized that I wanted to do something to ensure that Ian's name and memory will continue to live on throughout the years to come. I decided that I wanted to make a quilt in Ian's honor and deliver it to the hospital for them to give to someone who has a baby on December 16th. I stitched the quilt together and my mom quilted it for me. I think it turned out perfect.

I put together this little gift basket to go with the quilt. When I dropped it off at the hospital, they told me that there was a scheduled c-section on the 16th. I had a huge sigh of relief knowing that this would go to someone born on Ian's birthday. I hope the baby born on the 16th will feel the love I have for Ian being passed onto him or her through that quilt. And they will know that they always have a guardian angel looking out for them. 

...

I originally had my blog post ending there, but something happened on my drive into work this morning that I had to share with you. A rainbow. And not just any rainbow, a double rainbow! I don't know what compelled me to look over my shoulder as I was driving into work this morning, but I'm sure glad I did. 

There is nothing greater than God's promise of a rainbow. A promise when I needed it most. A morning that had started out with me feeling down and defeated quickly turned into an attitude that I can make it through the day with my head held high. That I could make Ian proud to call me his mommy. Happy heavenly birthday, Ian. We love you so much and miss you like crazy. I hope you have the best day celebrating with Jesus and the angels!

My Best Friend's Baby {Part 3}

Well, yesterday was the day. The day when I met my best friend Kaci's baby, Orie. The day when everyone came to Kaci and Jason's house with their babies. Everyone, that is, but me. Now that Kaci has had her baby, it will be even more evident that I'm the odd one out. Not by any doing on my friends' part, though. In fact, they've never made me feel more included.

As we were handing out Christmas presents to everyone, Ashley handed Kendra, Kaci, and I a small jewelry box. When we opened it up, there was this beautiful necklace inside. 

I'm a sucker for things with meaning behind them, and it turns out Ashley is too. While admiring our necklaces, Ashley began to explain that on these two circles, there are a total of 13 small diamonds. 13 happens to be our lucky number. If you count us all up- Ashley, Doug, Emery, August, Kaci, Jason, Orie, Kendra, Travis, Desmond, Eric, myself, and Ian- there's 13 of us. I couldn't think of a more perfect number <3

It really was a wonderful day. Nothing beats getting all of your best friends together for a day filled with love, laughter, and friendship. Orie was, of course, just perfect! (And a spitting image of her daddy.) I'm very much looking forward to when we can all get together again, my best friends' babies and all. And hopefully one day, Eric and I will have a baby to join in on the fun. Until then, I'll be giving August, Desmond, Orie (and Emery) lots and lots of extra love. 

Deer Down!

When our alarm went off Saturday morning, I reluctantly got out of bed. It was raining, and I wasn't really in the mood to sit out in the cold and the rain. Luckily, Eric told me I could sit in one of our blinds. At least I'd only be cold and not wet. 

As I suited up into my camo, I remember thinking, Do the deer even come out when it's raining? I must have said it out loud because I hear Justin respond that he got his biggest deer in the rain. I still wasn't feeling very optimistic. After all, I'd been hunting quite a bit this season and have only seen one deer while I've been out. Our trail cameras say there's deer out there, but I've been starting to doubt them. 

I got settled into my blind and loaded my gun. After I put the gun in the corner of the blind, I got on my phone to try to help pass the time until I could finally get out of there. Every few minutes I would look up, and at 6:30 I was actually surprised to see two deer dashing from the fence line into the woods to the west of my blind. They were too far away to shoot, even with a gun. But, it was reassuring that the deer were moving. I was pretty alert for the next twenty minutes or so, but slowly drifted back to my phone to help pass time.

Shortly after 7, when I looked up I saw a doe heading straight for my blind. My heart began to quicken and I quickly grabbed my gun, waiting for the deer to look away so I could put it through the window. The doe was in the perfect position- turned away so I would have a clear shot. I pulled the trigger but nothing happened. Then I remembered that I have to pull the hammer down first (I hadn't shot this gun in over a year so I had forgotten about the hammer). 

So I regained my composure and pulled the hammer down. The doe walked closer. It seemed as if she was heading straight for my blind. I was sure that she had seen me, I mean, she was looking right at me. But then she turned to the side again and put her head down to graze. 

Heart racing, I tried to calm my breathing. As I let out my breath, I pulled down on the trigger and watched as she fell to the ground. The excitement I felt was unreal. I just killed my first deer. I immediately texted Eric that I got a doe. Apparently, he had texted Justin and asked if it was him that fired the shot. Ye of little faith! Eric instantly called me, and I could hear the smile beaming on his face. He told me that he thinks he was more excited than I was! 

As I waited for Eric to tell me that they were on the way to come help me with the deer, I couldn't stop shaking. I don't know if you've seen this video, but if you haven't you should watch it! 



I felt exactly like that little girl. I literally couldn't stop shaking (maybe not as much as that little girl, but I was definitely shaking). Even forty minutes later when Eric and Justin arrived to drag my deer out, I was still shaking. That experience was one of the coolest things I've ever done, and I can't wait until I can do it again!

A New Job!

Whew! It's been a while since I've posted on here, but I wanted to wait until Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month was over and then I became overwhelmed with my emerging photography business. (Shameless plug- you can check my stuff out here! If you're interested in booking a session, send me an email or a Facebook message.)

In the midst of all of that, I accepted the Speech-Language Pathologist position in the Palestine School District. I'm officially a Pioneer! It wasn't an easy decision to leave my job at Integrated Therapy Services. I miss my co-workers and my clients something fierce, but in the end, this job change was what was best for our family. 

I'm happy to say that I am loving my new job! My new co-workers have made an excellent effort to help me feel at home and to help me get accustomed to coming into the school system in the middle of the year. My schedule came together relatively quickly, and I have some great kids on my caseload. 

Look at these beautiful flowers! A client from ITS sent them to my new school my first week there. I've enjoyed looking at them every day on my desk. 

And get this guys, I HAVE A WINDOW! Now, if you're not a speech pathologist in the schools, you probably wouldn't understand my excitement. When I worked at Sparta, I was literally in a closet in the middle of the school. A tiny desk, one table with three chairs that barely fit with just enough room to get out the door, and four solid concrete walls. Now I actually have a classroom, complete with two tables, a huge desk, a whiteboard, 7 cabinets, and a glorious window. It's the little things. 

But for now, it's back to editing away on pictures from the past week's sessions. Have a great week!

The Other Side of the Statistic {Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness}

This post is a little different than what I've been posting all month. You've heard stories from my side of the statistic- the "1's" in the 1 in 4. But for every 1 in 4, there are also the 3 in 4's- the ones who haven't suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. We all have them in our lives. I'm constantly reminded of the 3 in 4's every time I get on Facebook. If you've suffered a loss, you know what I mean. It seems like everyone is pregnant and having babies. Everyone but you. And to be frank, it sucks. 

But earlier this month, one of my 3 in 4's sent me this letter. By the first line, I was already crying. Her words touched me and reminded me that even though I am the 1 in 4 in our group of friends, I am not just 1. I am surrounded by the love, support, and prayer of my 3 in 4's. 

I decided to include the email she sent as well, because I think it is an excellent preface to the letter. I hope that all my fellow 1 in 4's have 3 in 4's as great as mine. I know I couldn't have made it through without them. 

. . .

So I have been thinking about you lots this month. Not just because of your blog and what this month represents, but I can't help but think back to a year ago. When we shared our news with each other. We celebrated. We were so happy and excited. And I still so badly want that for you.

So I wrote you this letter just to get some of my thoughts down on paper. At first I addressed it to you but then I thought-hey, Shar is reaching out to so many through her blog. So many women are grieving or struggling. So I took out our names--now this letter to you represents--oh I don't know what to call it---maybe an outside perspective? Encouraging words? Thoughts from a friend to all of those women struggling.

To my Friend,

1 in 4. I have to admit, I had no idea. I was oblivious.

I didn’t know that 1 in 4 women suffer from infertility or miscarriage or loss. Just hearing that number still doesn’t bring to reality the emotions it should. A statistic, as startling as it is, is kind of cold. And I know that if it hasn’t happened to you, those numbers are probably just numbers. Now, I am not claiming in any way to know how it feels to by “the one.” So far in my life, I have been one of the other three. But you know that, Friend. Because you are our one.

You might be wondering why I, a mother of two, never having lost a child, am writing to you about infertility and miscarriage. As I sit here typing, I am kind of wondering what I have to say too. But that 1 in 4 statistic has been on my mind since last December. It is on my mind when I look at the picture of the four of us hanging up in my house-young and naive. It is on my mind when I see you smile at my son. It is on my mind when I am rocking my children to sleep at night. So I am just going to write and share because maybe you need to read my words. Or someone out there needs to hear this.

I said before that I was oblivious to the statistic but that doesn’t mean I had not ever thought about infertility or losing a child. My parents battled infertility for many years before finally getting pregnant with twins. Sadly, my brother and sister passed away at birth. As much as it hurt knowing that I never got to meet my siblings, that hurt is nowhere near the pain I know my parents felt and still feel. My grandparents still decorate their stone for holidays. We always talk about how old they would have been on their birthday. They have never been forgotten. My parents had me one year later. I am an in-vitro baby. My parents wanted me so badly. I am so thankful for their strength to keep fighting. I am so thankful that they didn’t give up after all of their heartache.

Fast-forward through my teen years and into my twenties and I would be lying if I said I never worried about not be able to have kids. It happened to my Mom. It could happen to me. But it didn’t. After the easiest pregnancy, I had my daughter. Doubt or worry never crossed my mind once I reached that “magical” twelve week mark and saw a little heart flicker on the screen. I was in the clear. Nothing bad could ever happen to me. Because that is what we all think. Not me. I won’t be the one.

Two years later I found myself pregnant again. Just as easy as the first. Doubly blessed. With no worries. Until that day in December. When your world came crashing down. You had lost your little flicker. You had lost your sweet baby. And there was nothing I could do.

I have to admit something to you Friend. Although you were the one grieving, I, being a selfish human being, turned your hurt into my own. I thought about the fact that my baby had lost a friend. And in darker moments, I feared that I would lose a friend. I had no idea how to provide emotional support for you at this time. I was too scared to hear your voice, so I texted. I was too scared to see you, so I sent a gift instead. I dreamed up all of these scenarios where you didn’t want to talk to me or how this hurt our friendship. I put words in your mouth that you never said—“Why have you been blessed with two and my little blessing was taken from me.” But Friend, you never ever said that. YOU were the brave one that reached out to me first. You talked to me first. You bought my little one gifts. You visited me at the hospital. You held my baby. You amazed me. And you made me a better person and parent.

You have brought to light this “secret” that many women and families are struggling with. You have been open and honest and so strong-even if you think you have struggled. You are allowed to struggle. And please know that I am always, always here. You have taught me to live life and to take nothing for granted. My life is a gift. My children’s lives are gifts. Every morning I should wake happy and every night I should go to bed thankful. You have reminded me of this way of life and I thank you.

But guess what, that is not always that easy. I catch myself frustrated when my baby wakes at night. I complain about my two year old’s tears. Or the laundry or the dishes or my day at work. And then I see the little cross hanging in my son’s room or I see the cutest little white butterfly at the perfect moment and I am quickly reminded of you. You would give anything to have a baby crying at 3am. You would love nothing more than to wipe away tears or fold little laundry all night. So instead of feeling sorry for myself I have been praying for you and your chance. And I have been praising God for our friendship and your strength. You and your husband and your son have touched my family’s life. We are forever thankful for that.

Not too long ago I heard someone say that God gives us children to raise to be his angels. And sometime he needs those angels a little bit earlier than we would like. I do not know if this comforts you…..but it comforts me in knowing that God chose your son to watch over my littles. He visits us often. He is thought about just as much. We will celebrate him always. He will not be forgotten by us.

And you. You will not be forgotten. Every week I think maybe this is it….maybe she will call with some great news. And when I do not hear any, I pray. You deserve happiness and joy and love and excitement—you deserve a miracle.

My dear Friend, I hate that you are 1 in 4. I do not know why—a question I know you have asked. But I do hope that you know that you have helped so many and touched lives. Your beautiful butterfly has changed lives. I just wanted to let you know.

Love ya.

Baby Peterson {Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness}

Meet Jeannette and her family. We went to grade school together for a little while before she moved out West. We reconnected after high school on Facebook. I watched as her little family grew from just her and her husband to two handsome boys. Jeannette was due with her third son while I was pregnant with Ian. I remember the kind words she spoke to me after learning about Ian, and how she had had a miscarriage as well. As I was sitting in the waiting room at my OB's office for my 6 week follow up appointment from delivering Ian, I couldn't believe what I saw on my Facebook newsfeed. Jeannette's full term baby was born without a heartbeat. Read her story below:

Hello readers! My journey through conception and motherhood has not been easy but so worth it. I love each one of the sweet spirits the Lord sent to our family. My first pregnancy ended early in miscarriage. We were devastated but hopeful for the future. A season after that pregnancy we conceived our first handsome boy Berick. As he grew into a toddler, we knew he needed a sibling so we started trying again. We believe I had another miscarriage but it was very early on and not confirmed. The next month we were pregnant with our second sweet boy Flynn. He wasn't even a year old before we felt it was time to have another baby. And that leads me to Greyson.

I was due to have Greyson any day. I had anticipated him coming early since Berick and Flynn were early. So with each week that passed I was becoming more and more uncomfortable and ready to meet my 3rd little boy.

I reached 39 weeks and still no baby, but all of my appointments said he was healthy, just comfortable. In the early morning hours of January 27th I got up to use the restroom. I noticed that my baby didn't move at all. This was strange but I tried to brush it off. I ended up going into our living room to see if I could get him to move. I was up for about an hour and still nothing. I tried not to panic and went back to sleep.

Fast forward to around 8 AM. I get up and still haven't felt baby move. I begin to get very worried. I told my husband I was scared and called my doctor's office. They told me to try to eat something sugary and come to the hospital. We dropped my boys off at a dear friend's house and headed in. The drive to the hospital was a long one. We said a prayer before we left but I just had a bad feeling the whole way. I kept trying to get him to move but there was just nothing.

We arrive at the hospital, get checked in, and are given a bed. A nurse comes in to hook me up to monitors. The room is silent as she puts the sensor on my belly...nothing...nothing. She says she can't find the heart beat and went to get an ultrasound machine. She comes back and starts looking with the ultrasound. We see our perfect boy on the screen but where the flicker should be for his heart there is nothing. Then our world stopped.

"I'm so sorry but your baby's heart has stopped. We can give you a moment." They leave and my husband and I let the news sink in. I have never cried so hard in my life. The worse was still to come though.

We made the decision to be induced immediately. I received a blessing from my husband and brother in law and we were sent to labor and delivery. The induction process was long but we had the company of my brother and sister in law to pass the time. My mother and step dad arrived at 11 PM to be with us. I got an epidural so I wouldn't have to feel physical pain. The emotional pain was already so overwhelming. The induction started around 2 PM. Around 12:30 AM on the 28th I felt pressure and it was time to push. I was so incredibly scared. I was excited to see the baby I carried for so long but scared because we knew he would never take a breath.

We asked our loved ones to leave and he was born at 12:39. Greyson Reid Petersen, 8 lbs 2 oz, 21 inches long and perfect. He looked like the perfect combination of our other 2 boys. They laid him on my chest and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. My husband and I wept and held each other. They brought Greyson to a bassinet and Kenyon went with him while I was tended to. I had my mom come in. Although they placed him on me after birth I wasn't able to look at him. It hurt too much.

The nurses and my husband cleaned him up and brought him to me where my heart broke all over again. Everything about him was so perfect. My husband and I couldn't believe he had nothing wrong with him yet he had passed.

Our loved ones came in to hold him and we were given 24 hours with him. I went home that same day. We wanted to hold our boys and kiss their faces. It was a whirl wind until Greyson's funeral. He was buried next to his grandfather.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my angel. My own heart breaks every time I think of how old he would be now. We were told his cause of death was a cord accident. When he was born it was wrapped tightly around his neck.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to have known him even if for such a brief time in the womb. I'm grateful for how close my husband and I have become since his passing. I'm grateful I have two sweet boys here on earth to care for. And I'm grateful for the day when I get to see Baby Grey again in Heaven.

...

Greyson's headstone just came in this week, so Jeannette wanted me to include it here. Isn't it beautiful?

Baby Huffman {Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness}

Meet Beth and her family. I met Beth at work and instantly fell in love with her adopted daughter, Olivia. Her story is one of hope and heartbreak, with the real struggle of trying to heal after everything is over. Read Beth's story below:

Twelve years ago I found out that I was infertile.  After five years of struggling to cope with infertility,  we decided to adopt. We waited for three years for our daughter, Olivia, to come into our life. She is almost 4 years old. After adopting Olivia, we agreed that we were content with one child. 

In January of 2015 my husband was laid off from work and in effort to save money we both stopped using some of our medications.  I've been on birth control, except when we were trying to conceive,  for years for hormonal reasons. I stopped taking them without any worries.  In April my husband went back to work and in May I refilled my prescriptions.  But, before I could start a new pack I decided it was the responsible thing to do to test first. 

Over the years I have peed on more sticks than I can count. I never expected to get a positive that day. But there it was, two lines. Two more tests confirmed it. My doctor and I giggled through my first OB appointment.  Neither of us thought I would ever be pregnant.  An ultrasound showed a baby at six weeks gestation.  We saw the heartbeat.  A real, alive baby in my womb. You have no idea how many times I had looked up at an ultrasound screen praying to see something in there. It was a miracle.  

As the weeks progressed I had to remind myself several times a day that it was really true. I gave up caffeine and did everything a pregnant woman is supposed to do. I had an appointment to hear the heartbeat but it was pushed back due to my doctor going on vacation.  

At 12 weeks I started bleeding.  I waited through the weekend hoping that it would stop, but only got heavier.  My mother took me into the ER on Monday morning.  After running some tests it was finally time for an ultrasound.  As soon as the tech got started it was obvious that there was something wrong. In fact, there was no baby at all. I was shocked and panicked.  

I understood that I went into the ER with the possibility that I was loosing my baby, but I expected to see a baby, alive or not, on that screen just as I did 6 weeks earlier.  I asked the tech if she saw anything and she shook her head. I came unglued right there on the table. An internal ultrasound did show some remains. Back in the exam room the doctor explained to me that it looked like the baby had died between 7-8 weeks gestation and that my body had begun to "break down the fetus". They didnt know why my body had delayed miscarriage so long but she wanted me to go home and miscarry naturally.  

It seemed like an impossible and heartbreaking task to me. Two weeks of bleeding,  contractions, and cramping I finally delivered a ruptured sack. Aside from some unidentifiable tissue, that was all that was left. It took another 4 weeks for my hcg levels to go down. A month after that I experienced the worst period of my life. It was even more painful than the miscarriage.  

The emotional toll has been far beyond anything that I have ever experienced.  I lay awake at night crying out to God for mercy and compassion,  knowing that He cannot give me back what I have lost. Before the pregnancy I knew who I was. I was the infertile adoptive mom. Now I am broken. I have to some how learn to live with this pain. I do have hope that someday I might be okay. 

I delivered what remained of my precious Star on July 26, 2015. I was due on January 23, 2016.

Baby Baxter {Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness}

Meet Melani and her family. Melani is married to my cousin Doug. They have three sweet children, and I had no idea that she had had a miscarriage. Read Melani's story below:

"I knew I loved you before I met you."  Those are the lyrics to a Savage Garden song that I never really "got".  How can you love someone without knowing them first.  It seemed to me like you were putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.  I never really thought too much about it until October 2009.  I felt every emotion in the book, and all these emotions I felt for someone I would never know or meet. 

******** 

            I was finally headed to get my gallbladder taken out.  After years of attacks and discomfort, I finally bit the bullet and made the appointment.  Bright and early on a Friday, I did the standard paperwork and urine screen to make sure I wasn't pregnant.  I set my specimen on the counter and went about putting my gown and slippers on.  The nurse grabbed my sample and took it to do the test.  About 10 minutes later my surgeon came in and said we would have to reschedule my surgery for a later time. 

            "Oh, okay why?"  I blankly asked.

            "Well, sweetie, because you're pregnant"  She was trying to gauge my response carefully.

            I instantly went into panic mode.  We had a 5 year old girl and a 15 month boy old at home.  We were done.  WE AGREED WE WERE DONE!  So there my husband and I were, staring at one another, trying to decide the next step.  The nurse called my OBGYN and they said to come straight over for blood work and an ultrasound.  I slowly got dressed while Doug went out to get the car.  The more I thought about it the more excited I got.  Obviously "someone" wanted us to have another baby.  By the time I got in the car and was headed for my new appointment I was happy.  Doug was coming around to it.  He's much more analytical than me. 

            Now I was in a different gown getting an ultrasound.  The tech was very sweet and let us see the "peanut"  right away.  Since I wasn't very far along (about 4 weeks) she couldn't really take too many measurements so she went straight for looking for a fetal pulse.  She looked and looked, but wasn't really getting anything on the monitor.  She instantly left and talked to the doctor.  When she came back in she quietly told us to head to the back waiting room so I could get my blood drawn.  After that I didn't see the doctor or talk to anyone we were just dismissed to go home.  I went to work that Monday and of course everyone wanted to know why I was back so soon from my surgery.  I told them and we all laughed about the situation.  You have to admit, it's a pretty amusing way to find out you're pregnant.

            By the following Wednesday I was miserable.  Bleeding and cramping were the order of the day.  I called the on-call OB doctor that night and she very blankly said "You're miscarrying, didn't anyone talk to you about what was going to happen?"  NO... NO ONE TOLD ME ANYTHING!  I had miscarried many years ago but I didn't even know I was pregnant that time until after it happened, so I had no idea what to expect.   This time was different.  I knew I was pregnant.

            Thursday morning I went into have more bloodwork to make sure that I was indeed miscarrying.  Still no doctor communication.  Thursday afternoon on my way to work the clinic called to tell me my hormone levels were dropping and that I would have some discomfort before I passed the fetus.  The fetus?...This wasn't just a fetus, this was our baby...MY BABY!  My goofball friends had already started picking out names from Vampire Diaries.  What was I going to tell them?  The bleeding just kept getting worse. 

            I didn't sleep at all that night.  Between the cramping and bleeding and all the emotions I was a wreck.  Friday morning I called my friend that worked at the clinic and told her what was going on.  I was still bleeding and could barely stand because the cramps were so bad.  She talked to the Physician Assistant and then told me to get my butt in there now!  Doug had to come get me and we headed to the clinic.  More bloodwork to check my hemoglobin and a quick exam and I was promptly sent back to where it all started, the surgery center.  I had the same nurse as when this whole thing started.  She just looked at me and I burst into tears.  She helped me change and they gave me medicine to calm my nerves, pain and stomach...I definately needed at least one of them.  They got my IV started and we walked back to the OR.  I had to state my name, birthdate and why I was there.  I couldn't get it out, I couldn't say it. Melani Baxter, 10-02-1979 and I'm having a D&C.  Why couldn't I say it?  Tears were streaming down my face.  The anesthesiologist (who I knew from when I worked at a local coffee shop) said "I know who she is, we are okay to start."  Thank you God, because if I said it out loud that meant it was really happening.  I went under thinking the worst thoughts possible.  What did I do wrong?  Is this my fault?  Why is this happening to me, to us?  And then I woke up, and it was all over.  It was official, unnamed Baby Baxter was gone.  I was dismissed to go home home and recover.  I spent all weekend in bed not talking to anyone.  I needed to process all of it. 

            Friends sent flowers and text messages, gave hugs and condolences.  I went back to work (probably way too soon) and tried to move on.  I didn't really talk about what happened for almost a year.  Then it all came out in one giant flood of emotions when a friend's daughter was having trouble with her pregnancy.  I needed that. I needed the flood gates to open and all those emotions to come to the surface again.  The fear of finding out I was pregnant.  The excitment of when it all finally sank in.  The disblief of finding out I would never meet our baby.  The guilt of thinking I had done something wrong.  The anger, pain, betrayal, empitness etc...

            We all know that after a good storm we see a rainbow.  A sign of a new start, of good things to come and a true gift from God.  In March 2013 we got our "rainbow" baby.  Layla was born and the hole in my heart left from my miscarriage began to fill.  I will always hold a special place in my heart for the children that I lost (the one so many years ago and the one only 6 years ago), but I know now that I did nothing wrong.  For whatever reason those trials were meant to carve me into the parent I am today.  And I now understand those song lyrics so much more than I thought I ever would. 

The -M- Family {Photoshoot}

Last week I finally got to meet my newest second cousin, Emmy. And boy was she a doll. Those big blues eyes could captivate anyone. Addison was just smitten with Emmy, Kason was more interested in his bike, but that's a typical brother for you!

Here are a few of my favorites from their session:

Kason was upset that he didn't get to hold Emmy!

So much love <3

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

To many, October 15 is just another day in October. To 1 in 4 women, October 15 marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I hope that my campaign to bring you stories of those 1 in 4 women has shed some light on the realities of the struggles many women face trying to conceive.

As we enter the second half of the month, I ask that you keep all these families that have shared stories on my blog, and all those families that keep their stories in their hearts, in your prayers. I ask that you show compassion to all those that have lost a baby, no matter if they were 4 weeks or 40 weeks pregnant. And I ask that you remember the names of those sweet babies that we have lost, both named here and in our hearts.

Alexander Paul Baker
Baby Baxter
Baby Doss
Baby Huffman
Baby Petersen
Baby Slevin
Caleb Lee Hunsaker
Gabriel Matthew Yallaly
Greyson Reid Petersen
Ian Joseph Schackmann
John Paul Thoele
Jordan Leigh Hunsaker
Kristina Jane Ryker
Rose Francis Thoele
Ryan Michael Blievernicht

Tonight, I encourage all of you to light a candle at 7 PM. If people in every time zone light their candle at 7 PM, there will be a continuous wave of light for the entire day.

Let those we carry in our hearts be remembered by those we carry in our arms. <3

Baby Thoele {Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness}

Meet Julia and her family. Julia is married to Eric's cousin Luke. She has always been very open about her miscarriages and offered much needed support to Eric and I after losing Ian. Read her story below:

Hi!  My name is Julia Thoele. I am happily married to Luke and a stay-at-home mother to Alice (3.5 years) and Annemarie (3.5 months).  We have two little saints watching over us from heaven, Rose and John.  We reside in Bloomington, IL.

Alice was conceived right after we were wed in June 2011.  We welcomed her home and lived happily ever after.  Because things had gone according to our “plan,” fertility issues weren’t part of our lives.

Once Alice was about a year and half, we wanted to actively try for more.  We were- and are- using Natural Family Planning.  Rose was conceived and we were ecstatic to be welcoming another baby into our family.

Friday, January 24, 2014 started out like any other day.  We got up, had breakfast, and Alice and I spent all morning cooking in the kitchen.  Around 10 AM I went to the bathroom and noticed blood.  I had been feeling great so this surprised and worried me.  I called Luke, a few friends for reassurance, put my feet up in the recliner, and said a few prayers.  I thought maybe the blood was from being on my feet all morning.  This couldn’t really be happening to me.

I got up intermittently over the next couple hours and every time the bleeding was heavier.  I called my OB and made an appointment for 3 PM that afternoon.  Luke came home to take me.

We sat in the waiting room with heavy hearts.  When it was our turn for the ultrasound, we saw a six-week-old baby but no heartbeat.  We were completely devastated.  We headed straight for our church and prayed for a while in the Adoration chapel.  We knew we didn’t have the answers, but He did.  I felt like I needed to be home, so we left.  My parents were at our house when we arrived, which was such a blessing.  (They has already scheduled this trip and this was just another little way God’s grace was filling the day.)  They watched Alice while Luke and I went to our bedroom.  Just a few minutes after we had been home, I felt a strange wave come over me.  I went to the bathroom and gave birth to our Rose Francis Thoele.  I scooped her tiny body up and held her in my hand.  Luke and I held each other and cried.  It was an absolutely surreal moment.

Since our friends had experienced this before and shared with us how they buried their baby, we knew we wanted to do the same.  We found a small box and numbly called the funeral home.  They were so beautiful and treated us with great respect in grieving our little girl.  We made arrangements with our priest and the funeral home to have a graveside service a few days later. 

We were blessed to hold her little body and bury her a few days later.  It was a very surreal experience that reminded us of how truly precious each life is, from conception to natural death.  

Below is a picture of a 6 week old baby and Rose’s headstone.

We found out in May 2014 that we were expecting our third child!  Praise be to God.  There were no signs of anything going wrong, so we were very shocked when at the 10 week ultrasound there again was a baby but no heartbeat.

The doctor said I could have two weeks to deliver myself and if nothing happened they would schedule a d & c to deliver the baby.  Because I had been through this before, I much preferred delivering on my own to a surgery.  A week and a half later I start hemorrhaging, went to the ER, and had to have an emergency d & c.  My advice to anyone in this situation: go to the ER as soon as you suspect something because I waited too long, lost too much blood, and it was a scary experience.

I had the d & c at St. Anthony’s Memorial Hospital in Effingham, IL.  They have a very beautiful program that supports the grieving parents and buries the baby for you at a community plot.  While we couldn’t put our own headstone on John’s gravesite, they left a temporary marker so we will always know.

They did a test on John see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities and there were not.  Within that testing, they were able to confirm that our John Paul was a boy!  (Good thing, since we already named him John Paul.)

Now not only were we so sad to lose our two babies, but we were scared for our fertility.  Was there something wrong?  We sought out Dr. Jillian Stallings, an NFP-only OB, in Peoria, IL and also a Creighton (a different form of NFP from the one we were using previously) teacher.  We charted for months and everything looked healthy.  We have no answers as to why this happened.  I’m still trying to be ok with that.  He knows and that has to be enough.

We tried again and conceived our fourth, Annemarie Elizabeth!  Her pregnancy went well and she is now a joyful, full-of-smiles, precious baby girl whom we cherish every day. 

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Rose and John will always be Alice’s little sister and brother. Annemarie will hear about them and look through their books.  We will ask them to watch over us from heaven.  I encourage you to talk about your babies.  Name them. 

If your family has lost a child as well, I recommend reading the chapter titled “Miscarriage” in Kimberly Hahn’s book “A Life Giving Love” and the book “After Miscarriage” by Karen Edmisten (a very short and VERY worthwhile read).  I have also created little scrapbooks for each of them.  I wrote stories about their short time on earth, how we were able to see God’s hand in each of their passings, pictures of their gravestones, how they got their names, prayer cards people gave us, and more.

Miscarriage is too often glossed over, but it is a devastating loss of life.  We have great confidence Rose and John are in heaven with Jesus but we still miss them.  We are so sorry if you too have experienced a loss in this way and we are praying for your family. 

You are welcome to contact me at juliathoele@gmail.com

God bless,
Julia