The Pursuit of Happiness

Two weeks ago, I was in a dark place. Eric helped me realize that I wouldn't just get better, I had to consciously work at it. So that's what I decided to do.

I took the end of that week off of work to work on me. I was prepared to return to work on Monday. But then the next week, it snowed so much that I got the whole week off! Someone told me that God must have known I needed a break, and I couldn't agree more. 

I was reminded of something that I once read: If you ask God for patience, he doesn't give you patience, but rather an opportunity to be patient. If you ask for strength, God doesn't give you strength, but an opportunity to be strong.

I have been praying hard. Praying for happiness, praying for strength. Last week, I had the opportunity for both of those things. 

God has a way of timing things perfectly. While I'm praying for happiness, God gave me one of the best opportunities to be happy- my birthday! And it never fails to remind me just how much I am loved. The phone calls, texts, Facebook messages- each one put a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Since I did have all of last week off, I was able to do something that I haven't done in a looooong time-work on making speech products! I have my own store on Teachers pay Teachers (If you work in a school in any way, you definitely need to check that website out!) where I make speech therapy products for others to use in their speech rooms. I think the last time I worked on making these products was right after we moved back home. It was so nice to get back to doing something I truly enjoy. Yet another opportunity to be happy. 

This last weekend was also a huge event- my best friend Kendra's baby shower! I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to handle her shower. I knew I wanted to be there-she is my best friend after all. But I also knew that seeing her huge belly and not having a belly of my own would be hard. 

As it turns out, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be (there goes God again giving me an opportunity to be strong). I was truly happy for Kendra, and proud to say that I didn't feel one bit of jealousy during her shower. I laughed, smiled, and felt the love of others for my best friend encompass my heart. 

Here I am with the beautiful momma-to-be and my other best friend Kaci. Ashley and her daughter Emery weren't there because of the flu, but we knew they were there in spirit! 

I wish I could say that I was able to be strong throughout the whole shower, but I am only human. And to be fair, my moment of weakness was when I gave Kendra her present after the shower had ended. Kendra cried with me as I hugged her and made her promise to let me know when she had that baby boy so I could hold him. That boy, along with Ashley's baby boy, will always hold a special place in my heart.

God didn't leave me with that moment of weakness, however. That evening, Kendra, her husband Travis, Kaci, and her husband Jason all came over to our house to play games and catch up. I can't tell you how much I have missed these girls! It was so nice to laugh, talk, and forget about all of the pain I had been feeling. I couldn't have been happier.

.  .  .  .  .

Everyone is fighting their own battle. Whether your battle is big or small, I urge you to take it to God. But don't expect God to instantly give you what you need. Instead, look for the opportunity to be or feel whatever it is that you have prayed for. You might find that he has already been giving you the chance, if you would only open up your eyes and heart to see.

God is helping me in my pursuit of happiness. I know he will help you too if you only ask him.

The Day I Realized I Wasn't "OK"

It's been over two months since we found out our sweet Ian had left this earth to be with Jesus. These few months have been the hardest months in Eric and I's life together. I know that others realize that these are hard times for us as well. I often get asked how I'm doing. The common response is "I'm doing OK." But am I really OK?

The short answer is no, I haven't been OK for a little while now. I may look OK. I smile, I laugh, I do things that I used to do, but deep down, I just don't feel right. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day, almost as if I am looking at myself from afar going through life. The past few days I finally told Eric how I have been feeling. 

While laying in bed last night, I could tell that something was different between us. Eric was frustrated, and I was the reason. As much as he tried to make me laugh, to make me smile, to bring some normalcy back into our lives, I was pushing him away. I was holding onto my grief, letting it encompass me, letting it affect our marriage. I wasn't allowing myself to get better, and Eric was paying the price.  

Eric said something profound to me last night. He told me, "You have to let go at some point. You can't keep going to the place that brings you so much grief. Do you notice how my family and I act around Julie's grave? It's hard. It brings back so much pain, that's why I can't go out there very often. But Julie visits me sometimes in my dreams. That's when I feel close to her." 

I never realized how visiting Ian's grave so often has hindered my grieving process and not allowed me to let go of the grief. Looking back now, I probably have visited Ian's grave too much. I have gone to see him almost every week, sometimes more than once a week. I feel like I owe it to Ian to go visit him. That's where I feel the closest to him, where I feel like I can talk to him, where I can be with him one more time. But that's also where I feel the saddest, where I cry the most, where all the pain of losing him is brought back to the forefront. 

To truly feel OK, to feel better than OK, I have to let go of my grief. It took Eric to make me realize that letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it means finding a new normal to remember Ian by. It means feeling close to Ian in a place that brings me happiness instead of sadness. 

I'm not to that place yet, I know I can't reach it in a day. But I'm now aware of what's been holding me back. I'm making a conscious effort to be happy, to start living life in a way that would make Ian proud to call me his mother, and Eric proud to call me his wife.  

Mementos

When someone we love passes away, the only thing we can cling to is what they left behind. Maybe a memory, a voice mail from them, pictures of the two of you together, a note that they had written. 

In our living room, we have a few pictures of Eric's sister Julie. I know his family have some notes from her, old pictures, home videos, trophies, school mementos, even a few articles of clothing. They are wonderful ways to remember Julie and to keep her memory alive for generations to come.  

When Ian passed away, we didn't have any of that. We never got the chance to record his first steps, hear his little laugh. He never picked up a crayon to color us a picture.

But I am forever thankful for the small things we do have.

Ultrasound photos. You can see Ian's ultrasound pictures in this old post. I was lucky enough to get to have a great friend take ultrasound pictures for me multiple times throughout my pregnancy with Ian. If it wasn't for her, I would have no ultrasound pictures of Ian. My first ultrasound for my OBGYN's office wasn't scheduled until the beginning of January.  

Recording of Ian's heartbeat. I am beyond thankful that I had thought to record Ian's heartbeat a few different times throughout my pregnancy. I have a clip from one visit that I have recorded onto a "heartbeat bear". Any time I want to hear his little heart beating one more time, I can squeeze the bear's belly and it will beat away for me. If you are pregnant, please record your child's heartbeat. It may be the last time you will get to hear it. 

This is a picture from the ultrasound when we were recording Ian's heartbeat. You can see his heart was beating at 158 beats per minute.

Hand and foot prints. We were extremely lucky that we were able to get hand and foot prints. Many people who go through a miscarriage don't have that opportunity, usually because of the way their child was delivered or the extremely small size of their baby. Eric and I opted for a natural delivery in hopes that hand and foot prints would be able to be taken. Our nurse worked hard to get some good copies of his hands and feet. 

I took a picture of his prints next to a ruler so you all can see just how tiny they were.

Real pictures. We also wanted a natural delivery so that we would get the chance to hold Ian. We have pictures of each of us holding him, as well as some close ups of his hands, feet, and face. 

Blanket and outfit from the hospital. The hospital dressed Ian in a tiny little outfit and hat after he was born. They gave us the outfit, as well as a small blanket to keep.

These mementos are things that I will cherish always.  

If I can give any sort of advice it is this:
Have your children write their names out for you. Take impressions of their little hands and feet. Save that picture they just drew instead of adding it to the recycling pile. Take pictures. Lots of them. Go visit your parents, your grandparents. Save that card you always get from your birthday that simply says, "Love Grandma and Grandpa." It's things like that that keep our loved ones close forever. 

Trust me, one day you are going to wish you had heard their voice, seen their smile, listened to their heartbeat just one more time. It's worth it.