"Normal"

Normal. I've been thinking about that word a lot lately. The dictionary says that normal means "usual, typical, or expected." After losing Ian and now Madison, I couldn't tell you what my definition of normal would be. I do know that it's far from "usual, typical, or expected." In fact, it's probably the complete opposite. 

Nothing has been "normal" since December of 2014. By early 2015, I thought I had figured out my new normal. And while it still wasn't a perfect dictionary definition, it was closer than what my "normal" is now. At this point, I'm not even sure what exactly "normal" means to me.

Because there's nothing normal about burying your child. Let alone burying two of your children. There's nothing normal about going to the hospital to have your baby and going home empty handed. There's nothing normal about crying yourself to sleep trying to remember what the weight of your daughter felt like in your arms, or the smell of her body as you cuddled her close.

But that is my normal. And while I hate that that's the truth, there's nothing that can change that. Right now, I'm still navigating what "normal" means to me now. I think that that is why I'm having anxiety about going back to work tomorrow. Physically, I am well enough to go back. Emotionally, who knows. Some days I feel like I can make it through. I can smile, I can laugh, I can enjoy life. Others, everything hits me like a sack of bricks and I feel like I'm struggling to climb out of a hole that is too tall for me to reach the top.

And I'm scared. I'm scared of what my "normal" will look like after I go back to work and to what society considers my normal life. These past two weeks, if I needed to cry, I could. If I wanted to remember how big her hands and feet were, I could run my hands across the molds we made. If I wanted to fall asleep cuddling the pink blanket Madison was wrapped in, I just needed to turn off the lights and close my eyes. Tomorrow I can't do that. 

Tomorrow I have my students to see, coworkers to talk to. I have a job to do. And I'm scared that when I start doing my job again, I'll forget how soft her hands were and how they felt holding my finger. I'm scared that I won't see her face every time I close my eyes. I'm scared that as the days go by, my new "normal" won't have Madison in the center of it. 

I don't know what my "normal" will look like at the end of all of this, and that's really scary too. But I know that no matter what, Ian and Madison will always be in the back of my mind. And sometimes in the front. And it will be a daily struggle to balance remembering them and living my life. I guess that that will be my new "normal", no matter how not "normal" it really is. 

Madison's Birth Story

 

I'm struggling with what to say in this post. I've been putting off writing it for a few days now. Maybe it's because I don't know exactly what I want to say. Maybe it's because I was wanting to get the pictures back from our photographer before I wrote this (and I haven't gotten them back yet, hopefully this week!). Maybe it's because- O.K. I know that this is the real reason, aside from my first reason of not knowing exactly what to say- I didn't want to cry again. I wasn't ready to go back to the pain and the difficult memories. But then I realized that I was depriving myself from reliving one of the best nights of my life. I never want to forget everything that happened, so I guess it's time to share it with all of you.

I'll back up to Monday, March 6th. I started the morning getting to see Maddie move around one last time on an ultrasound. During the scan she was using one hand to play with her toes and the other was, you guessed it, up by her face. The tech said that Madison was head down, and after talking with Dr. Haller, we agreed to come in early Tuesday morning to start our induction. That night, Eric and I had one more memory to make with Madison. We took her to where we went on our first date- Steak and Shake (romantic I know ha!). It was nice to get lost in the moment one last time. To almost forget what the days ahead would bring. It was a much needed start to the next few days. Dr. Haller told us that we could come in any time after midnight that night, so after dinner we headed back home to try to get some sleep. Somehow I was able to fall asleep for a few hours, but I know that Eric didn't. When our alarm went off around 1 AM, I knew that neither of us were really ready to leave. Somehow we managed to get out of bed and in the car on the way to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital, we took a few final deep breaths before walking through the door. I started the check-in process and the woman checking me in asked if we were excited, obviously oblivious to what we were about to go through. Somehow I mumbled an "I guess so" and luckily we were shortly on our way to our room. Our nurse, Abby, came in and introduced herself. When she told us that she felt like she was meant to have me as her patient, I knew that we would be in the best hands possible during our stay. She did above and beyond what she needed to do, and that started with her stealing another chair/recliner for Eric from another room after discovering that the one in our room squeaked with any move you made in it. She got my Pitocin started and by around 2:30 that morning, we were finally ready to try and get some more sleep. Eric managed to get some sleep on the pull out bed, and I drifted in and out of sleep as Abby came in to check on me and increase my Pitocin. One thing that I never want to forget about that night was falling asleep to the sound of Madison's heartbeat. Even though I had written in my birth plan that we only wanted intermittent fetal heart tones, whether intentional or not, Abby had them on and turned up so that we could hear them. A little blessing in disguise. That night and early the next morning are the last time that we would hear her heart beating. We could see her heartbeat on the screen throughout the next day, but the sound was turned off. It was the most perfect lullaby to fall asleep to.

Tuesday morning started with a visit from Dr. Haller. I was still only dilated to a one, but she said that my cervix was getting thinner. Our parents and siblings arrived shortly after that. It was nice to have some distraction from everything. My contractions were getting stronger and stronger, and were really pretty close together. Around lunch time, the pain started getting a lot worse. I got up to use the restroom, and they let me stand by my bed for a while. I thought I was doing pretty good, but as soon as I laid back down the pain became so much worse. I was in tears as we waited for the anesthesiologist to come in and give me my epidural. I was so nervous about getting one, which is why I'm sure I put it off for so long. But let me tell you, that thing was a life saver! The initial shot they gave me to make me numb stung and then felt like fire going across my back as it numbed me up, but then all I could feel was the pressure from the epidural needle and catheter going into my back. Then sweet, sweet relief. After that, we were both able to take a much needed nap. 

We woke up around 5, and discovered that I was now dilated to a three, and Dr. Haller said that Madison was really pushing down on my cervix. Ashley and Kendra got to the hospital a little after that, and a few hours later Kaci arrived. Those girls, along with our families, helped things feel "normal" as we waited for my labor to progress. By 8 that night I was at a 5 and by 11 PM I was dilated to a 7. At this point, I know that I was in a lot of pain. The epidural had relieved the pain from my contractions, but now I was feeling an intense amount of pressure that couldn't be relieved no matter what I tried. I hated when Dr. Haller or Abby would check me because even that had become so painful. By 11:30 I was dilated to a 9. I know that I wanted to push so badly, but they wouldn't let me. 

I also know that every time a contraction came and the pressure came on just as hard, I would squeeze Eric's hand like I was holding on for dear life. Eric was truly incredible throughout my entire labor and delivery. He was right there by my side. He reminded me to breathe, gave me drinks of water, let me squeeze his hand so hard. I never could have made it through without him.

When the time came to push, I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to push hard enough to have her. It felt like I was pushing forever, I have no idea how long it actually took. At some point Dr. Haller gave me an episiotomy. Because her head was smaller than a typical newborn's, one of her shoulders was stuck. After getting the episiotomy, it was only a few more pushes until Madison was born. All of the pain was instantly gone. Dr. Haller lifted her up and placed her on my chest and I couldn't stop smiling. She was so incredibly perfect. She had the chubbiest cheeks, the longest arms (which she used to put a hand up by her face during delivery) and legs ever, the cutest little bottom. I couldn't get enough of her. 

A nurse came to check for a heartbeat but I knew that she was already gone. In that moment though, none of that seemed to matter. I finally got to meet my baby girl, my daughter, who I'd been dreaming about meeting for nine months. She was finally here and I was just so happy. I really felt so at peace with the entire situation. Yes, I had hoped that she would be born alive, but in the moment I didn't care. I was too busy soaking up all of her perfect details, trying to memorize the weight of her in my arms. I know that if you read Eric's letter (and yes, I did finally read it myself) you know that my smile did not leave my face. Not through our families or friends crying as they met Madison, not through reading her book to her (which I totally thought would make me cry), not through her baptism, bathing her, or dressing her. I can honestly say that that night was the best night of my life and I was so incredibly happy to have her in my arms. 

The next few hours all blur together in my mind, but shortly after Madison was born, Kendra came in to take some pictures of our first few moments together. I will cherish those photos for the rest of my life. We also had another photographer come in later who used to be registered with the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep bereavement photography program. There is currently only one photographer for the Effingham area listed on the website, and she was due right around the same time as me so she was unable to do it. But thankfully she led me to Megan from Diekemper Photography, who went above and beyond taking pictures for us in the hours that followed. I can't wait to get those photos back.

After our family and friends met Maddie, we had her baptized by Father Probst, who never ceases to amaze me with his true kindness, compassion, and willingness to be there for us no matter the time. We were able to read "On the Night You Were Born" to Madison. We gave her a bath, dressed her in the cutest pink outfit, and even cut some of her peach fuzz hair for us to keep. I think almost everyone in the room got their picture taken with her. I knew it was hard for our families to say goodbye that night, but at that point it was almost 3 o'clock in the morning. Once everyone left, Eric and I had time with Maddie to ourselves again. Abby came back in and helped us make the million and one handprint/footprint mementos that we wanted. I know I mentioned this at the beginning of the blog post, but I couldn't have asked for a better nurse than Abby. She treated Madison like any other baby, explaining what the white stuff on her skin was (and complaining with us when it took forever to get it off of her while giving her her bath), showing us how to clean out Maddie's ears, admiring her long fingers and toes. God knew what he was doing making her our nurse.

I don't even know what time we went to bed that morning. I know that I didn't want to waste my time with Madison sleeping, but exhaustion finally won out. The best part about those few hours we napped was that I was able to sleep with Maddie right next to me, cuddled up in her pink blanket in my arms. I couldn't have asked for anything more. When we woke up, I knew that our time with Madison was almost done. She was so, so cold, and her joints were now stiff and rigid. The hardest thing to do was contact Jason and Lisa Meyer, the funeral director/Jasper County coroner and his wife, to come get Madison. Eric and I both held her again, soaking up her details one last time. I was able to get up and sit with her in the rocker. For a moment I felt like any other mom rocking her baby to sleep. I finally cried when I had to hand Madison over to Lisa. I knew that I would never be ready to give her up, that I would hold her forever if I could. But I couldn't. I gave Maddie one final kiss and "I love you" and made them leave before I could change my mind. Part of me wanted to scream at them to stop and turn around, but I knew that that wouldn't change anything. So instead I held onto Eric and cried. We were discharged around noon, and spent the rest of the day in each others arms. 

Our beautiful baby girl was born a beautiful angel at 12:23 AM on March 8th, 2017. She was 19 inches long and weighed 5 pounds, 5.8 ounces. She had long arms and legs like her daddy. And Kendra swears that she got her long fingers from her. She had brown hair and chubby little cheeks. I would love to know if she got her daddy's brown eyes or if she would have been able to sing like me. Or know if Erin, Nichole, or James would teach her her first bad word or annoying habit. Some things I guess we weren't meant to know. But I do know that Madison was loved for every.single.second of her life. Not many people can say that. She was prayed for by so many people, people we don't even know. Our sweet girl touched the lives of many more people than I'm sure we realize. And now she's in the place I can only hope of going some day. So until that day, I'll spend the rest of my life loving her, missing her, and wondering who she would have been. Fly high, Madison, Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Dad's Letter

Hi everyone. This is Eric, Sharon’s husband. I know her blog has quite the following, so I thought I would use her platform to share a few thoughts. For those of you who know me, you will understand this is very much out of my element.  For one, I am not much of a writer. Secondly, expressing my emotions (especially to the public) is not one of my strong suits. How Sharon writes for this blog every week is beyond me. Sitting here typing this is bringing up so many emotions. Thinking back through the highs and lows of our pregnancy and the last couple days, it amazes me how she can put all of her thoughts on paper like she does. She is so strong (although she would refuse to admit it). I grieve very differently than Sharon does. I internalize everything and prefer to grieve by myself.  But I feel like it is time for me to be as brave as my wife.

So here it goes….a letter to my daughter.

Madison,

                What a journey this has been. I so vividly remember the morning your Mamma told me she was pregnant with you.  What an absolute high that was for both of us. We had been trying so hard to get pregnant again with such little success and then finally…. you came along. Instantly all the love in the world was there. From that moment, you had us hooked. The weeks went by with such joy and happiness. But I will never forget the day we found out our time with you was going to be limited. Holy cow….. you want to talk about a shot to the heart. The next couple of weeks were so hard but your Mom stayed so strong through it all.

I don’t know if you know this, but you have become quite a popular little girl over the past nine months. Your Mom’s blog posts have been so touching. She has let so many people in and has become such an inspiration to so many people.   Madison, there are so many people out there that love you (especially your Mom and I J).  This love has helped us along this journey but I was not prepared for the last couple of days.

                Knowing these last few days were our last days with you has been very hard. I kept trying to figure out how I was going to stay strong for you, for your Mom and for our families. So many emotions where going through my head. I was so excited to meet you and at the same time so sad to know that I was going to have to say goodbye. How was I going to stay strong for your Mom? I knew I was in store for some of the hardest days of my life.

                The night we were scheduled to go into the hospital to see you, I barely slept at all. I just couldn’t imagine how I was going to handle everything. Once we got to the hospital, reality started to sink in. Luckily, exhaustion also kicked in and once the induction process started, we slept like rocks. The day was long but it was made so much easier with both our families there. They love you so much. When the labor pains started for your Mom, I was glad the epidural brought her some relief. I hated seeing her in pain. After hours of off and on naps and visiting, it was time. Standing alongside your Mom through it all was so hard. Seeing her push through the pain for you was so inspiring. I was choking back tears and just wished there was a way I could take all of the pain away. I am the one that is supposed to protect my wife. Knowing that there was nothing I could really do was so difficult. 

                Then it happened, I took my eyes off of your Mother for a second and I saw you. I saw that God had already taken you to see all of your family in heaven. Madison, I wanted to cry so badly, but I knew your Mom was still working hard to meet you. All I could think about those next few moments was trying to figure out how I was going to be able to comfort your Momma once she met you. I will never forget the moment you were finally here. Our doctor placed you on your Mom’s chest and I expected a flood of tears from her….. but nothing like that happened. The biggest smile came over her face and I would be darned if there was anything that could ever wipe it from her face.

 I wish I could tell you everything your Mom was feeling right then but I figure that is for another blog post. I do know one thing. Your Momma has put every bit of love that her heart has in it towards you these past nine months. I know without a doubt that she has no regrets when it comes to her time with you. She has given you all of her love and has been the best mother in the world.

After your Mom and I spent some alone time with you, we wanted our families and friends to meet you too.  As I looked around the room, I saw tears of both sorrow and joy. Every person in the room fell in love with you and were trying to stay strong for us. Ask anybody in the room that night and I bet they all remember the same thing from the night you were born. Through all the tears in the room there was still one unwavering smile--your Mom’s. Madison, your Mom was the strongest person in the room that night. She will try to tell everyone how strong I was and how much she needed everyone there, but what she doesn’t know is how much we needed her. She kept us all together. I have never been so proud of your Mother. She was my rock. It will probably sound corny to say, but I fell even more in love with your Mom that night. I only wish you could have had more time with her--my two girls together.

Madison, I wish I could tell you all of this in person but this small letter will have to do. Your mom and I love you very much and cannot wait to see you in heaven someday.

Love you,

Dad

Baby #2: Final Thoughts Before we Meet

Well, it's official. We are heading to the hospital late tonight to get started on my induction. It's hard to believe that these past 9 months have gone by so quickly. I can still remember how giddy I felt when I saw those two pink lines, and the look on Eric's face when I told him that we were having another baby. Those moments, like many others throughout this pregnancy, have been etched in my memory forever.

As I'm writing this, Madison is kicking away. The rain is lightly falling, and the dogs are sleeping soundly in the doghouse. Just a few hours ago I met with Dr. Haller and we discussed our plans to induce and what the coming days will look like. Honestly, there is still so much that is unknown. How long will labor take? Will Madison be born alive? Will she live for a minute, ten minutes, hours, even days? Will tomorrow be the day that we say hello and goodbye to our daughter? Only God knows the answers to those questions, and, quite frankly, that's scary. I'm the type of person who needs a plan for everything, so the unplanned nature of all of this terrifies me.

I mean, how do you prepare to say goodbye to your child? Sure, I did it with Ian, but his birth was so different as he had already passed away. And not that his life mattered any less than Madison's has just because it was shorter, but I've had 9 whole months to get attached to Madison. I've felt her kick and roll, watched her move my stomach like I was popping popcorn in there, felt her little hiccups. This time I know things will just be different. Starting with the fact that she may (hopefully) be born alive. I'm so unprepared for all of this. I don't know how someone can be. Yes, I've known that she was going to die since October, but it was always something that was so much in the future. Now, it's days, potentially hours away. I'm not ready. I never will be. But whether I'm ready or not, it's happening soon.

So I think I'll share a letter that I'm writing to Madison. My way of saying goodbye to her.
  

......

Hey there sweet girl, it's your momma. I have so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that I want to show you. But there will never be enough time for all of that. I hope this letter is enough to show you how much you are loved, how much you are wanted, and how much I'm going to miss you.

In fact, I already miss so many things. I already miss saying good morning to you as I'm getting ready for work and I feel your first kicks of the day. I already miss the way you move like crazy when I eat a little chocolate. I know you would have been a chocolate lover like your momma. I already miss putting my hand on my belly to feel your kicks. I already miss you jutting your body parts out on my right side so i can feel them. I already miss you getting your legs up in my ribs, making it hard for me to breath, even though I always plead with you for you to move them quickly and give me some relief. I already miss eating that extra cookie, cupcake, or second helping of carbs and blaming it on you. I already miss watching your kicks and jabs dance across my belly. I already miss the feeling of your hiccups. I already miss the fullness of you in my belly. I know I'll feel so empty once you're gone. I already miss the way you don't ever kick your daddy's hand when he puts it on my belly, at least not until you make him wait for what seems like forever. I already miss the way you always seem to kick him in the back when we are cuddling. I already miss reading you your story every night. Daddy and I have that book memorized, as I'm sure you do too. I already miss getting up to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I already miss your daddy saying "goodnight Maddie" or "I love you, too Maddie" after he tells me goodnight. I already miss you. 

You are leaving a huge hole in my heart, in my whole body. Nothing will ever take that away. I know with your help, and the help of all my family and friends, I'll start to heal and the pain will lessen. But I also know that it will never go away, and I'll have to live with missing you and wondering who you would have become if you were still here for the rest of my life. 

But do know baby girl that where you are going is a million times better than here. You'll never have to suffer, you'll never know hate. You'll only feel love for all eternity. Daddy and I's love, our friends' and families' love, and best of all, Jesus' love. You'll get to sit on his lap and listen to his stories like only angels can do. I'm sure once I get to Heaven you'll know more about Him than I will. I can't wait for you to show me around, to introduce me to everyone. 

I do have a few people you need to look for up there, although I'm sure they will seek you out before you even get the chance. I hope your brother Ian runs up to greet you before you even know what's going on. Please give him a hug and kiss from your daddy and I. Be on the lookout for your aunt Julie and uncle Ryan. I'm sure they'll both have crazy stories about us from what they've seen from Heaven. Then there's some other friends I want you to meet as well. Greyson, Malachi, Marianna, Phoenix, Grace, Olivia, baby Heiden, and a whole slew of other babies that I know I'm forgetting that left Earth too soon. You guys will have so much fun growing up together. I hope you all feel proud of who your mommies and daddies have become. 

I know you won't, but don't forget about us down here Maddie. Tell Ian to keep sending us those white butterflies. I can't wait to see what sign you send us. Please keep coming to me in my dreams. Give me all this strength that everyone says that I have. And don't forget about your daddy too. He may seem stronger, but I know that he's hurting just as much as I am. Please don't ever forget how much we love you, Madison. I'm sure I'll tell you a million and one times once I meet you, but it will always be a million times too few. Have fun learning to fly, and don't get into too much trouble up there. Lord knows you've been a stubborn baby during your time here ha! We will love you forever and ever and ever.

Until we meet again, love mommy. 

Baby #2: 40 Weeks

40 weeks. We made it to my due date! And since this is more than likely my last chalkboard update, I'm going to be doing things a little differently. 

First, I wanted to start with a few random facts from my pregnancy that I don't want to forget:

• I gained a total of 14.5 pounds.
• My stomach measures 39.5 inches around my belly button.
• Speaking of belly buttons, mine is even with the rest of my stomach. A few more weeks and it might have become an outie!
• Madison prefers the right side of my stomach. I hardly ever feel her on the left.
• Her favorite thing to do lately is poke a body part (I'm guessing a knee or foot) out on my right side. She eventually moves it after I rub on it a few times.

And now for my weekly recap! Monday my work family had a get together for me. We had such a great time talking and eating some yummy snacks and cupcakes. Valinda, you'll have to thank your sister for making them! They surprised me with a beautiful necklace that has both Ian and Madison's names and birthstones in it. 

Thursday I had another doctor's appointment. Madison's heart was beating strong at 125, and I'm still only dilated to a one. Then came the news I wasn't expecting- Dr. Haller wants to schedule me for an induction at the beginning of the week. She will be gone Thursday through Monday. I'm guessing that I wouldn't go into labor on my own while she was gone, but it is a possibility. And if that happened, she obviously wouldn't be able to be there for Madison's delivery. She suggested that I come in for an ultrasound on Monday, and as long as Madison is in a good position, we could induce on Tuesday or Wednesday. 

Holy moly. Tuesday seemed so close. It was only 5 days away. Only 5 more days with Madison. I started tearing up while we were talking. Dr. Haller looked at me and said that we didn't have to induce the next week, but she's become really attached and wants to be there for everything. And honestly, I want her to be there too. She has been with us from the absolute beginning when we went through losing Ian in 2014. She gave me a huge hug when I came in pregnant again last summer, and had tears welling up in her eyes as she told us that Madison had anencephaly and wouldn't survive long outside the womb. I have a comfort level with her that I wouldn't be able to form in the worst moment of my life. Not that I don't think another OB wouldn't be able to take good care of me, because I know that they would, but having my own doctor there would definitely make me more comfortable in the whole situation. She told me that we could think about it over the weekend and let her know on Monday.

I got in my car and cried as I called Eric to tell him our options. It was a lonely ride home and a long wait for him to get home from work. I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do. Of course I wanted Dr. Haller to deliver Madison, but I wasn't ready to only have five days left with her. Only five more days to tell her I loved her, to make memories with her, to feel her kicks and movements. Only five more days for her to definitely have a heartbeat. It was overwhelming. Part of me wanted to wait and induce the following week. But even then, I knew I was only delaying the inevitable. Luckily I have literally the best husband in the world. He made the decision for me- we would induce on Tuesday. That night we laid down in bed and got out Madison's story book, as we have for the last as many nights as I can remember. But this time was different. This time we knew that our time reading this story to her had an end date. And it not only brought tears to my eyes, but also to Eric's. And if you know anything about Eric, you'd know that making him cry is a big deal. He actually choked up while reading before I did, which of course made me lose it. It was a rough night, that's for sure.

After realizing that our time with Madison now has a definite end date, we have done our best to make the most of the time we have left by both making memories and staying busy to keep our mind off of things. Saturday morning I got a much needed pedicure with Ashley. It was so nice to feel normal for a while and be pampered all at the same time. Eric and I worked in the barn hanging up decorations. We are both pretty proud of how it's looking! We got to enjoy the beautiful weather outside playing fetch with Cassie and cuddling with Bailey. Not to mention soaking up all that wonderful sun. We went to church that night, and after mass Father Probst gave us a blessing. After church Maddie got to enjoy some of her daddy's fine home cooking- country fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy. He may not cook much, but boy does he do a good job when he does! My birthday present from Eric also came in! He got me a gold bar necklace with the coordinates of where Ian (and soon to be Madison) is buried. The back has their names engraved on it. That location has a huge piece of my heart, and I love being able to wear it around my neck.

Then today Eric and I ventured to Champaign for a little shopping. Eric needed new running shoes and we wanted to look for some 3-in-1 jackets for our cruise to Alaska this summer. (Yes, you read that right, we are going to Alaska in June! And Eric actually suggested the trip in the first place- I'm so excited!!) And of course while we are in Champaign we couldn't pass up eating at our favorite restaurant, Red Lobster. Maddie needed some crab legs one more time :) It was a very relaxing day just spending time together. Tomorrow I have my ultrasound first thing in the morning, and then we will schedule the induction. Eric and I plan to take Madison to Steak and Shake tomorrow night, I wanted to show her where we took our first date. It's never too late to make one more memory <3