This was a very joyful, while extremely painful, weekend. On Saturday, Eric and I drove to Peoria to meet up with Jason, Kaci, Doug and Ashley to see Travis, Kendra, and Desmond. The whole day was wonderful- I mean you can't beat catching up with your best friends and celebrating a new life. And I've never been happier for Kendra, except for maybe on her wedding day.
In case you haven't noticed, Desmond is quite the charmer. Holding him warmed my heart like I can't explain. When I looked at his little face with that adorable mo-hawk head of hair, I pictured so many bright and exciting things in his future. He is going to grow up with two God fearing parents who have nothing but love to give. I hope he is musically inclined like his momma, and I can already picture him climbing a rock wall like his dad. This is one lucky little boy.
At the same time, meeting Desmond was also a painful reminder that my Ian is no longer here. My newsfeed and phone will be filled with pictures of Des, and trust me, I so look forward to seeing those pictures and watching him grow up. Yet I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy creeping in when I see him. Kendra and I (and soon Ashley) should be experiencing the joys of raising our boys together. When I found out all of us were pregnant together all those months ago, I envisioned big birthday parties, little league baseball games, proms, graduations. I saw our three boys being best friends, just like their mommies are.
A funny thing happens when you've got some of the best friends yourself, though. I'm going to let you in on a little secret-I will still get to experience those things with Kendra and Ashley. No, it won't be like I imagined, not like how I had hoped and dreamed for. But when the time comes, I know that those two boys will know of Ian, their guardian angel, because their moms do things to keep his memory alive, like getting us all one of these ornaments.
I know that Ian is watching down over Desmond, over baby Jansen, over Eric and I. I know that he's been with us every step of the way, and he won't be turning his back on us. He gives me so much strength when I don't think I can make it through, especially in times like this weekend. And I know that every time I see Desmond's big eyes, every time I catch that subtle smile on Kendra's face as she looks at him, that Ian is right there with them as well, watching, guiding, and lighting the way for all that is to come.
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