Ian's Sixth Angelversary

Ian, somehow I blinked and six years have gone by. SIX YEARS. It's hard for me to fathom that it's been that long since I held your little body in my arms. Six years of missing out on your smiles, laughs, cuddles. Your tears, tantrums, runny noses. Six years of missing out on you. 

Now that Brayden and Ashley are here, I realize even more how much I've missed you. It's one of those things that makes you realize you don't know what you were missing out on until you have it. And boy do I know now what we truly missed with you. 

It's not fair, really. But I learned long ago (a little over six years in fact), that life is far from fair. 

So six years later, I'm enjoying the two gifts from Heaven that you and Madison picked out for your daddy and I. They are a true joy that we don't deserve. 

I know that on someone's birthday, you should be the gift receiver, not the gift giver. But I just love how on your birthday this year you gave Brayden and Ashley their first snow. 

 

 

I wish I could say that we really enjoyed playing in it, but by the time we got home from work and daycare, almost all of it had melted. All of it, that is, except this perfect little patch near your tree. I don't really think that was a coincidence. Thank you for being part of this first for them. Next time send a little more so they can really enjoy it :)

I hope that we are still making you proud down here. We think of you every day. And like I told you this afternoon, I'd do anything to have you here with us. But since I can't change time, I'll settle with knowing that on the day I get to Heaven, I'll get to scoop you up in my arms once again.

Love you always, baby boy. 

Madison's Third Angelversary

Madison, yesterday marked three years since you were born still. Three years of longing to hold you, wanting to smother you with kisses, and eager to show you all the wonderful things about the world. Three years seems like so long ago, but yet like it was just yesterday. 

In fact, when your daddy and I took your new brother and sister to visit you yesterday, we commented on how it seems like you were just here. Same goes for your brother Ian. I don't know how time has passed so quickly, but also so slowly. 

I'll never be able to fully put into words how much we miss you. Or how it isn't fair that you didn't get to stay. Or how I will always feel an intense guilt that I get to be happy and experience life with Brayden and Ashley and not you. 

But know that you are always missed. Always loved. Always wanted. And we will always carry you in our hearts until that glorious day we get to carry you in our arms once again. 

Ian's Fifth Angel-versary

Ian, my not so baby boy anymore, today is your birthday and you are FIVE. I find that so hard to write. Five. What in the world would it be like to have a five year old running around our house? Who would be your favorite? Would you like basketball as much as your dad would have wanted you to? Would you be singing your little heart out in the front row of your preschool program?

These are questions that will remain unanswered forever. And as time goes by, I'm learning to accept this fact. No, it doesn't get any easier. Yes, my heart will always yearn for my firstborn babe. As much as I hate to admit it, time does ease the pain. But I guess I should be thankful for that, too.

Looking out my window today I saw a world of whiteness. Five years ago, even though the weather outside wasn't white, my mind and body were. I was numb, in shock, and honestly just going through the motions. But today, oh today I've smiled. I've felt like a human. I've sent my love to Ian, and told his brother and sister all about him and how much he changed my life. And I'll continue to do that until the day I die and am finally reunited with the baby I held in my arms for so short, but in my heart forever.

Happy 5th birthday sweet boy. Mommy and daddy love you!

Madison's Second Angelversary

Madison, I honestly can't even believe it's been another 365 days since I've seen you, held you, and given you so many kisses. I was just talking with your aunts this week about how it feels like you were just here.

And Maddie, that thought bring me such joy. Two years later and I can still see how much you've touched the lives of everyone around you. You remain close to our hearts and ever-present in our minds. I couldn't ask for anything more for your birthday.

Well that's a total lie, because I could ask for so much more. But I'm quickly reminded by my aching heart and quiet house that no matter how much I pray and wish and pray some more, you can never be here with us again.

It's an interesting thing mothering a child in Heaven. I know you existed. I know I'm a mother. I feel like a mother every single day. I mean after all, I felt your kicks, your rib jabs, your hiccups. I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen.

But when people see me out in public, do they know I'm your mother? I don't have the messy van, a car seat and diaper bag in tow, a cart full of baby food. But I've been trying hard to make sure they do know.  Anytime someone asks about the ring I wear for Ian or the necklace that has your final resting place here on Earth, I beam with joy as I tell them about you and your brother. I try to have more patience, more understanding, more love.

I try every day to let the world know you existed. That you mattered. That you had a purpose. I know I fail most days, but I hope you can look down on us and beam with the same pride I felt holding you for the first and last time two years ago.

I love you more than I can ever put in to words, and miss you with every ounce of my being. I'm joyful in the fact that I will get to see you again one day. And with how fast these first two years went, I know that time will be here before I know it. Until then, I'll be here missing and loving you forever.

Love you always, baby girl.

Ian's Fourth Angelversary

Ian, it doesn't seem possible that four years ago you made your appearance and changed your daddy and I's lives forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you (and your sister), and wish more than anything that you were here with me instead of in Heaven.

I used to be so angry at the fact that God took you from us. I was angry that you had to leave so soon, angry that you were so badly wanted and just like that we couldn't have you. I was angry that everyone else got to keep their baby and I didn't. I was angry at God for doing this to your dad and I, for causing us so much pain and grief and heartache. It wasn't fair. And it still isn't.

But it's amazing what four years can do. There are still times when I find myself angry that you aren't here. But those times are few and far between. Two readings at mass this morning really hit home. It's like God knew that I needed to hear these verses on your birthday.

The first is from Zephaniah 3:14-18. I'm paraphrasing here, but it says, "Shout for joy....be glad and exult with all your heart...The Lord is in your midst, you have no further misfortune to fear...Do not fear, do not be discouraged." The Lord stayed by my side these past four years. He has seen me through my worst moments, and He is still here with me. Because of Him, I am able to be glad and joyful. Because of Him, my anger has softened and my fear of what's to come has lessened.

And then Philippians 4:4-7 reads, "Rejoice in the Lord always, I shall say it again: rejoice!...The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This year, while my heart still aches from the gaping hole that your death placed there and my arms still long to hold you just one more time, I am able to rejoice in knowing that you are in the most perfect place, baby boy. You get to sit on Jesus' lap and listen to His own stories and learn from Him in person. You get to watch over your daddy and I, and play with your little sister. You have the best seat in the house, and I have to admit I'm a little jealous of that.

On the night you were born, Ian, the night wind whispered that life would never be the same. And it hasn't. But oh, sweet boy, Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn, on that wonderful, marvelous night you were born.

Dear Madison

Dear Madison,

One year. That's how long it's been since your heart was still beating. That's how long it's been since I felt your last kicks. That's how long it's been since I finally saw that sweet face of yours on my chest.

One year. That's how long I've wondered what our family would be like with you (and your brother) here. That's how long I've went to bed and not been woken up by your hungry/mad/teething/just hold me cries. That's how long I've had this pit in my stomach of knowing that Heaven has yet another one of my babies and we are left here alone.

One year. I still find it hard to believe that it's here already. That 365 days ago I gave birth to you, our daughter, our second child, our second angel.

I remember how I felt as we approached your brother Ian's first birthday in Heaven. I was still mad, still angry that he was taken from us. I was dreading seeing December 16th come closer and closer on that calendar. His birth was a secret, and his death an even bigger one until I could muster up the strength to tell everyone what had happened.

But you, you were different. I'm pretty sure more people than I even know knew that I was about to give birth to you. You were celebrated from the moment everyone knew about you. Not that Ian wasn't, because he most definitely was. But like I said, you were different.

You had so many of our family and friends praying that we would finally get pregnant with you. And when we did, all those people prayed even harder that you would get to stay. When we found out that wasn't God's plan, all those people and more prayed for you, for me, for your dad. They followed along our journey with you. They were changed because of you.

There is absolutely nothing I would change about meeting you. Would I have rather you not have anencephaly? Of course. Would I have rather you got to stay? Absolutely. But meeting you, finally getting to see the child we created, the child God wanted in Heaven more than he wanted here on Earth, the child that served a bigger purpose than I probably will in my entire life- it was the best moment of my life.

This day last year, I couldn't have been more proud of you and you couldn't have been more perfect. When I think back to that day, all I can remember is the love I felt in that room- my love for you, for your dad, for God, for our family and friends who stayed up so long to meet you. Your birth, despite the circumstances, will always be one of the happiest memories I have.

I hope that we've made you proud Maddie. I hope that you smile as you look down on us, and I hope that we are honoring you in every way possible. I promised to carry you for all of my life, and to praise God for choosing me to be your momma. And I pray that you give me the strength to keep doing just that for all the rest of your birthdays.

Happy first birthday sweet girl, we love you so <3

Ian's Third Angel-versary

Ian,

How in the world has it been three years? Not a second goes by that you aren't on my mind. I could probably say the same thing about a lot of other people's minds too, because I constantly bring you up on this blog, and from what I hear it's pretty well read. In fact, I know that you are constantly on the minds of our friends- I've been getting texts and cards for a few days now, and it warms my heart so much to know that you haven't been forgotten.

I think of you every time I see that glimmer in Auggie's eye. Oh what I would give to see the two of you play. I just know that you would have been the best of friends. And I would have pitied Ashley and I having to deal with two ornery little boys. I think of you every time I see Auggie and Dez playing together when I get together with my friends. And I imagine how you would fit in with the two of them (perfectly is what I'm guessing).

I think of you every time I hold your cousin Grant. Every kiss, every snuggle, every "I love you", has a little extra that I send to Heaven just for you. As I held Grant last night and breathed in that fresh baby smell, I couldn't help but for a second imagine it was you. That you were the one fighting sleep, but finally giving in as you laid your head on my chest. That you were the one with your fingers curled around mine, or giving me that gummy grin with the most precious face I've ever seen. I'm sure that will never stop. Because even though everyone else is always getting a little older, you will always be my baby. And a part of me will always be longing to hold you just one more time in my arms, and to feel your stomach rise and fall with each breath.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it this long here without you. It kills me every day. I might not cry as much as I used to (and don't get me wrong, I cry all the time), but the pain of losing you will always be fresh on my mind. I hope that you are enjoying today with your sister, your aunt, and your uncle. And maybe a few of your friends. And like Emery said in her card, "I hope that Jesus is taking good care of you."

Love you always baby boy.

Baby #2: 29 Weeks

How far along: 29 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 10 pounds for sure, I'll find out if I've gained any more on Thursday at my next doctor's appointment.

Sleep: Good, but man I cannot get enough of it. I slept almost 9 hours last night and still took over an hour nap this afternoon.

Rings: Still on.

Showing: Yep, but I feel like I'm really not looking that big for being 29 weeks. I do know that she is sitting suuuuuper low, so that might have something to do with it.

Cravings: I was really wanting cereal this week. So that's what I've been having for breakfast all week. Bonus points if you know my favorite cereal!

Gender: Girl.
 
Best Moment this Week: Lots of great moments this week. I got my first rib kick this week, followed immediately by a lower belly punch. Madison must have really been stretching! And I finally caught her kicks on camera!!! I've never been more excited. The entire video I took was over three minutes long, but I've included one of the big ones I caught. She hangs out on the right side of my stomach, so be looking there for the kick!

Like I mentioned last week, this week was Ian's second angel-versary. If you want to read more about my thoughts on that, you can check out my post here. One of my best friends also wrote a beautiful post that you can find here. Eric and I were able to make it out to the cemetery Friday night before we headed to my Grandma and Grandpa Blievernicht's house for Christmas. It was so nice seeing everyone, I hadn't seen some of them for months! I had lots of belly rubs and hugs. Unfortunately, Madison wouldn't ever kick when anyone put their hand on my belly- stubborn girl! 

Looking Forward To: The start of Christmas festivities! We had one Christmas celebration on Friday, but the majority of our Christmases will be this weekend. I can't wait to see everyone open their presents and get to see even more family. Wednesday is my last day of work for the year- yay for working in a school! Then Thursday I have another doctor's appointment and I'm looking forward to hearing Madison's heartbeat again. Bring on the week!

Ian's 2nd Angel-versary

Ian,
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As I finish wrapping up all the Christmas presents and place them under the tree, I can't help but think of you. Only one of those presents is for us, the rest are for family and friends (and technically there are still some presents missing). But oh how different things would be if you were here. You would be a year and half, and those boxes would probably be a lot bigger filled with toys for you. What I wouldn't give to have our tree covering presents with your name on them. To have nightly cuddles and kisses. To hear "momma" every five seconds. To watch you grow and learn and turn into an amazing young gentleman.

If I could go back to December 8th, 2014, I would have told you that I loved you a million more times. I would have rubbed my belly constantly, yearning to feel your little kicks and jabs. I would have cherished every second of feeling like I needed to throw up, of my belly getting a little too big for my favorite jeans. I would have done things differently had I known the next day your heart would stop beating. That the very next day, our entire world would be turned upside down. Not a second goes by that I'm not thinking of you and wondering how different life would be.

You might have only been with us for 16 (technically 17 since I didn't have you until the 16th) weeks, but your life mattered so much to us, our family, and our friends. Your life and death taught me leaps and bounds about unconditional, never-ending love. You taught me to enjoy the present because we are not always promised the future. You taught me what it feels like to have a huge chunk of my heart ripped from my chest, and how to slowly heal the pain that that caused.

And because of you, learning that your sister Madison would ultimately suffer the same fate was somehow easier to handle. Not that I'm handling it well, because I'm not. But going through your unexpected death has made me cherish each and every moment, each kick, each time I get to hear her heart beating, each week as I watch my stomach (and the scale) get just a little bit bigger. As I said before, losing you taught me to love unconditionally, which is exactly what I'm doing with Madison. I'm jealous that you two will get to grow up together. Or maybe not grow up, because I still haven't decided if, once I get to Heaven, I want you both to still be my little babies or I want you to be grown up. But I'm jealous that you'll get to know each other. That you'll get to know your uncle Ryan and aunt Julie, and all your other family that have gone before you. But I'm also thankful because I know that you're in great hands up there. I mean, who can be a better babysitter than Jesus? I can almost hear your little laugh as he tells you a joke or throws you in the air. As much as I hate to admit it, you truly are in a better place.

I don't really know how to end this letter to you, because I could probably write to you for hours and never get everything out that I want to say. But I suppose this will have to do for now. I will love you always baby boy <3 And I can't wait to see the baby who is blessed with your quilt this year!

One Year Angel-versary

December 16th. Last year, I never wanted that day to come. I remember Eric holding me in bed on the night of the 15th as I cried until I had no more tears. For I knew what the 16th would hold. I would get to meet our baby, get to find out if he was a he or a she. But I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to hold Ian for the first and last time. Wasn't ready to leave the hospital with my arms empty. Wasn't ready to plan a funeral. I wasn't ready.

Not much has changed this year. As I sit here writing this on the night of the 15th, I'm again not ready for the 16th to come. I'm not ready to remember what happened just one year ago. Not ready for the "I'm sorry's" and hugs. Not ready to feel the emptiness inside me knowing that Ian's not here.

But life doesn't care if I'm ready or not. Because just like last year, the 16th will come without a passing glance. It won't go without Ian being remembered, though.

About 6 months ago, I realized that I wanted to do something to ensure that Ian's name and memory will continue to live on throughout the years to come. I decided that I wanted to make a quilt in Ian's honor and deliver it to the hospital for them to give to someone who has a baby on December 16th. I stitched the quilt together and my mom quilted it for me. I think it turned out perfect.

I put together this little gift basket to go with the quilt. When I dropped it off at the hospital, they told me that there was a scheduled c-section on the 16th. I had a huge sigh of relief knowing that this would go to someone born on Ian's birthday. I hope the baby born on the 16th will feel the love I have for Ian being passed onto him or her through that quilt. And they will know that they always have a guardian angel looking out for them. 

...

I originally had my blog post ending there, but something happened on my drive into work this morning that I had to share with you. A rainbow. And not just any rainbow, a double rainbow! I don't know what compelled me to look over my shoulder as I was driving into work this morning, but I'm sure glad I did. 

There is nothing greater than God's promise of a rainbow. A promise when I needed it most. A morning that had started out with me feeling down and defeated quickly turned into an attitude that I can make it through the day with my head held high. That I could make Ian proud to call me his mommy. Happy heavenly birthday, Ian. We love you so much and miss you like crazy. I hope you have the best day celebrating with Jesus and the angels!