Two.

Two.

Ever since seeing this double rainbow on Ian's first birthday, the number two has held a special place in my heart. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a double rainbow over a single one since Ian's death. And I know that others around me would say the same thing. Two butterflies playing, two cardinals in the yard. Two was all around us.

Two took on a whole new meaning when we learned that Madison would be joining her brother Ian in Heaven. Two babies, both in Heaven.

Two is the number of failed IVF transfers that we had. Two times our hopes were so high, only to come crashing down at that negative test.

Two, that's how many embryos we transferred this last time.

And that's how many heartbeats we heard on the ultrasound four weeks later.

Suddenly two had an entirely new meaning. Because now it meant that we would be bringing two babies into the world. Two times the clothes, two times the diapers, two times the late night feedings. But we will also enjoy two times to smiles, two times the laughs, and two times the love.

And at our most recent ultrasound we received the best news of all. We have two babies with two perfectly round heads. 

There's still so much time left in this pregnancy, and I'd be lying if I said I thought we were totally in the clear now. But every day I get to spend with these two babies makes me even more grateful and even more excited that we will actually get to bring these babies home in February (because let's be honest, I doubt I make it to their due date on March 5). 

Here's to a quick and healthy remainder of this pregnancy. We appreciate any and all prayers you want to send our way!

Dear Madison

Dear Madison,

One year. That's how long it's been since your heart was still beating. That's how long it's been since I felt your last kicks. That's how long it's been since I finally saw that sweet face of yours on my chest.

One year. That's how long I've wondered what our family would be like with you (and your brother) here. That's how long I've went to bed and not been woken up by your hungry/mad/teething/just hold me cries. That's how long I've had this pit in my stomach of knowing that Heaven has yet another one of my babies and we are left here alone.

One year. I still find it hard to believe that it's here already. That 365 days ago I gave birth to you, our daughter, our second child, our second angel.

I remember how I felt as we approached your brother Ian's first birthday in Heaven. I was still mad, still angry that he was taken from us. I was dreading seeing December 16th come closer and closer on that calendar. His birth was a secret, and his death an even bigger one until I could muster up the strength to tell everyone what had happened.

But you, you were different. I'm pretty sure more people than I even know knew that I was about to give birth to you. You were celebrated from the moment everyone knew about you. Not that Ian wasn't, because he most definitely was. But like I said, you were different.

You had so many of our family and friends praying that we would finally get pregnant with you. And when we did, all those people prayed even harder that you would get to stay. When we found out that wasn't God's plan, all those people and more prayed for you, for me, for your dad. They followed along our journey with you. They were changed because of you.

There is absolutely nothing I would change about meeting you. Would I have rather you not have anencephaly? Of course. Would I have rather you got to stay? Absolutely. But meeting you, finally getting to see the child we created, the child God wanted in Heaven more than he wanted here on Earth, the child that served a bigger purpose than I probably will in my entire life- it was the best moment of my life.

This day last year, I couldn't have been more proud of you and you couldn't have been more perfect. When I think back to that day, all I can remember is the love I felt in that room- my love for you, for your dad, for God, for our family and friends who stayed up so long to meet you. Your birth, despite the circumstances, will always be one of the happiest memories I have.

I hope that we've made you proud Maddie. I hope that you smile as you look down on us, and I hope that we are honoring you in every way possible. I promised to carry you for all of my life, and to praise God for choosing me to be your momma. And I pray that you give me the strength to keep doing just that for all the rest of your birthdays.

Happy first birthday sweet girl, we love you so <3

2017: A Year in Review

2017 is coming to a close tonight, so what better time to do a little reflecting on what the year brought us?

In January, Kaci, Kendra and Ashley threw me the best "baby shower" ever for Madison. It was filled with so much love, fellowship, and a few tears. I couldn't ask for better friends!

March 8th, Eric and I, surrounded by our closest friends and family, said hello and goodbye to our daughter Madison. She was even more perfect than I could have imagined. And I miss her even more than I thought possible.

This year consisted of so much best friend time. These girls are the absolute best.

In June, we took the vacation of a lifetime- an Alaskan cruise! Alaska was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, and every stop on the cruise was more and more beautiful than the last. We are already talking about wanting to go back!

July 11th we welcomed our nephew, Grant Levi Walters, into the world. I would by lying if I said that his birth was easy for me, but I'm so thankful that he's here and healthy. And I love that little guy so so much. 

Our Madison and Ian bears arrived! They are weighted teddy bears to match Ian and Madison's birth weight. The comfort they bring when I'm holding them is indescribable. 

In August we went to Galena for a little weekend getaway- a present from our friends and family at Madison's shower! It was a much needed relaxing weekend before the chaos of fall and school started again. And Galena had some beautiful views!

October was a busy month! I started a blog dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss- Longing Arms. I'm hoping that I'm able to provide hope and comfort to moms and dads going through the same things as Eric and I.

October was the kick-off event for our Jasper County Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group with our Wave of Light Ceremony where we lit candles and read names for babies that we've lost to miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss. Our event was even better than I could have imagined and I'm looking forward to helping and growing with local women as we support each other on this journey.

October also contained the birth of my Godson, Bennett, on the 26th! I totally cried when Ashley asked me to be his Godmother. In November I was able to hold him as he was baptized into the church. I can't wait to see where the Lord leads you, B!

And this December marked three years since Ian has been gone. Here I am with his quilt that I donated to the hospital. It was even more special this year as we know the family that the quilt went to!

This month Madison's headstone was finally set! I'm in love with how their stones look next to each other. 

While the year isn't going to end the way I wanted it to (pregnant), I do have to say that the year went better than I thought it would go. The highs out-weighed the lows, and I was constantly reminded how blessed I truly am. Tomorrow starts a clean slate and a new year full of new hopes and dreams. And I'm hoping that our upcoming journey with Dr. Dayal will result with one of our biggest dreams of all- becoming parents to a baby here on Earth!

Ian's Third Angel-versary

Ian,

How in the world has it been three years? Not a second goes by that you aren't on my mind. I could probably say the same thing about a lot of other people's minds too, because I constantly bring you up on this blog, and from what I hear it's pretty well read. In fact, I know that you are constantly on the minds of our friends- I've been getting texts and cards for a few days now, and it warms my heart so much to know that you haven't been forgotten.

I think of you every time I see that glimmer in Auggie's eye. Oh what I would give to see the two of you play. I just know that you would have been the best of friends. And I would have pitied Ashley and I having to deal with two ornery little boys. I think of you every time I see Auggie and Dez playing together when I get together with my friends. And I imagine how you would fit in with the two of them (perfectly is what I'm guessing).

I think of you every time I hold your cousin Grant. Every kiss, every snuggle, every "I love you", has a little extra that I send to Heaven just for you. As I held Grant last night and breathed in that fresh baby smell, I couldn't help but for a second imagine it was you. That you were the one fighting sleep, but finally giving in as you laid your head on my chest. That you were the one with your fingers curled around mine, or giving me that gummy grin with the most precious face I've ever seen. I'm sure that will never stop. Because even though everyone else is always getting a little older, you will always be my baby. And a part of me will always be longing to hold you just one more time in my arms, and to feel your stomach rise and fall with each breath.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it this long here without you. It kills me every day. I might not cry as much as I used to (and don't get me wrong, I cry all the time), but the pain of losing you will always be fresh on my mind. I hope that you are enjoying today with your sister, your aunt, and your uncle. And maybe a few of your friends. And like Emery said in her card, "I hope that Jesus is taking good care of you."

Love you always baby boy.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Except When it Isn't)

Driving home from work the other day, my mind drifted, much like it always does, to Ian and Madison. I was brought back to three years ago when I couldn't find Ian's heartbeat on our doppler. On Saturday, it will have been three years since we said hello and goodbye to our first child.

Like a big old slap in the face, the radio began to play that song. You know, the one that proclaims "it's the most wonderful time of year". Except for me. There's not too much that's wonderful about being reminded that your child is no longer here.

Because the holidays, especially Christmas, are filled with picture perfect Christmas cards, Instagram photos of children opening their presents or leaving cookies for Santa, and all around joy and cheer. But when you've lost a child, this time of the year can be down right impossible. There's the constant reminder that your child is no longer here. You don't have to look far to see the empty stockings or a few less presents under the tree. And all that joy and cheer that everyone else seems to be beaming with is the last thing on your mind.

It's no secret that Eric and I desperately want to be parents to a child (many, many children) here on Earth. In September, I was able to switch insurances to get my infertility treatments covered, and since then we've been having more monitoring of my cycles done. I started very optimistic that we would quickly be able to get pregnant again now that Dr. Haller could better see what was going on. But that optimism soon turned to despair as the trigger shot only made me ovulate one time, and the last two cycles I haven't had any mature follicles to release by day 14, so I haven't even been able to receive the trigger shot. [If all this sounds confusing, it's because it is ha! I hope you never have to know what all these things mean. But if you're curious, just ask and I'll fill you in.]

Yesterday, I had my last ultrasound and meeting with Dr. Haller. After telling me that the one follicle I had wasn't big enough to trigger, I just broke down. I wanted so badly to be pregnant already, and I was so hopeful that I would be able to achieve this feat with Dr. Haller. Lo and behold, God had other plans.

On my drive home, Psalm 46:10 drifted into my mind. "Be still, and know that I am God." How powerful are those words! It is so hard to be patient and trusting when what you want right this second isn't what God has in store for you. And I've fallen victim to this more times than I want to admit.

As I was leaving, Dr. Haller assured me that next Christmas would look a lot different from this one. January 5th, Eric and I go to St. Louis to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. Dayal-the same one who is giving the Finley's their rainbow baby!) to figure out the next steps in our journey to grow our family. This isn't the plan I had in mind for us, but I can only hope and pray that what God has in store is better than we could have ever imagined. And that next Christmas truly will look a lot different for our Schackmann family.

D-Day

Most people have a day that vividly sticks out in their minds as one that they will remember forever. For some, it's when they landed their dream job. Others, it's the day they said "I do". And still for others it might be the day their first baby was born. 

For me, October 5th, 2016 will forever be engraved in my head. I wish I could say that it was a happy memory. A memory that I would enjoy looking back on for years to come. But it's not. October 5th will always be the day our world came crashing down around us. The day we were told our second baby- the baby we prayed for for over a year, the baby who made it past that dreaded 16 week mark when we lost our first child Ian, the baby that was supposed to come home with us and help fill the void left by losing Ian- wouldn't live past birth, if she survived the birth at all. A year ago today, we received Madison's anencephaly diagnosis. 

I still remember happily snapchatting all my friends on the way to my appointment, with a caption that read something like, "Will baby be a he or a she?!" I was so giddy to have made it this far, past when things were supposed to go wrong. 

I still remember playing "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and crying as I sang those words along with her. 

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store

I never expected those lyrics to have such a different meaning just an hour later. 

I still remember meeting Eric in the parking, both of us obviously giddy with excitement. Asking Eric, "What do you hope baby is?", and Eric saying "I don't care, as long as it's healthy." We took a deep breath and headed in the office, hand in hand.

I still remember that cold jelly going across my belly, the ultrasound tech making small talk, eventually telling us that we were having a girl. 

I still remember zoning out after that, envisioning cheer practice and dance recitals and her dancing with Eric on her wedding day. 

I still remember how Dr. Haller was faking a smile when she came in to greet us. And how her smile soon changed to tears as she told us she thought our daughter had a fatal birth defect, anencephaly. 

I still remember clinging to Eric in that exam room for dear life, asking God how this could be happening to us again. How we could be losing another baby. 

I still remember calling our parents to come over. Telling them that their second grandchild wasn't meant for Earth either. Seeing them question if this could somehow be a mistake. Watching them break down like we had just hours earlier. 

...

I think the best thing about these worst days of our lives is that God proves that he is still good, that he's always been good, and that he only wants good for us. It's easy to ask Where is God? Why did he let this happen to you? or If God is so good, why is there so much hurt in the world? 

I can guarantee that God doesn't want all of this hurt. Romans 8:28 reads "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

From the first sin in the Garden of Eden, our world has never been the same. God intended only good, but man sinned against Him. Thankfully, Jesus died on the cross to take away all of our sins, so that we may have eternal life in Heaven with him. 

God does work for the good of those who love him. You don't have to look far to see that. Once the initial devastating shock of Madison's diagnosis sunk in and we decided to carry her as long as God would let us, Dr. Haller only supported our decision and did everything she could to make our entire pregnancy as easy and enjoyable as it could be. We were blessed with the absolute best friends and family, who sent card after card, who prayed for us continually, and who supported us in our decisions. Even strangers sent cards, gifts, words of encouragement and love, and even more prayers. Those same friends and family threw us the best baby shower for Madison, filled with love and fellowship, and the most perfect getaway to use after Madison was born. And even on Madison's day of birth, we were surrounded by so much love that I couldn't help but smile, even though Madison had left this world before we met her. 

So while I truly despise October 5th, I can't help but be a little thankful for days like this. Because they have shown me how great God's love is, and that's something I never want to forget. 

Love Notes from God

So I've mentioned before that I often find something from our church service that speaks directly to me and gives me exactly what I'm needing in that situation. It had been a few weeks since we have been to church, and as I walked in this morning and knelt down, I prayed that God would give me some direction. I want so badly to be a mom, and I asked God to let me in on His plan for us.

As I was listening to the readings, the second reading grabbed my attention at the first line- "I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). Seriously, could God be speaking to me any clearer? He knows the suffering and pain that Eric and I have been through. I picture us standing around a truck bed talking to God, telling Him about all that we have been through (like He doesn't already know). God looks at us with this little smirk on his face, slaps us on the shoulder, and says "Just wait." Just wait for the glory that will be revealed to us. For He knows our sufferings, and as much as they hurt now, they will be nothing when we compare the glory that God has in store for us. It's amazing what we hear when we just listen.

Speaking of just listening, I was struck again by God's word when the Gospel was read. This weeks reading was from Matthew chapter 13- The Parable of the Sower. The sermon talked more about this parable and how we are all sowers of the seed and it is our responsibility to sow God's word in our children and those around us, so that they may sow God's word in their children and so on. Not all seeds are sown in rich soil, but those that are will produce fruit "a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold". While we don't have any children here on Earth, we are still responsible for sowing God's word. God has placed in my heart the desire to better help others going through similar situations as us. I've really been thinking more and more about it lately, especially after receiving so many messages from women who have gone through multiple miscarriages or who have been struggling to conceive. Just a few days ago I spoke with Eric's cousin Ashley to design a few things for me to use. I still wasn't sure when I would find the time to dedicate to it or if I would even have anything to say that others would want to read, but after hearing the message today, I have an even greater desire to set my plan in motion. If I can just sow the glory of God's word into one person's rich soil, the reward will be more than worth it. So be on the lookout for that announcement coming soon!

Saying Goodbye to Madison

Yesterday was my best friend Kendra's son Desmond's second birthday. (Happy Birthday Dez!) I was talking to Eric about how I can't believe that he is two years old already. As I read about all the amazing things this little boy can already do, my mind couldn't help but wander to Ian. Ian was due just a month after Dez. In a month, I should be planning my baby boy's second birthday party. I teared up as I said, "Can you imagine what life with a two year old would be like if Ian were still here?"

I think back to three Decembers ago when we buried Ian. It was just Eric and I, our parents, and our siblings. We had a small graveside service as our baby boy was laid to rest. I never would have imagined that a little over two years later we would be burying our daughter in the same place.

With Ian, I didn't want anyone but our family there. Kaci, Kendra, and Ashley wanted to come, but understood that I didn't want them there at that time. Burying Ian was just supposed to be a fluke thing that we wouldn't have to do again. But when we found out that Madison was going to die too, I knew that I wanted things to be different this time.

You see, I know that Ian's death touched others and affected their lives. When we announced we were finally pregnant again, we were swarming in congratulations and people telling us that they have been praying for us. When we posted that Madison had anencephaly and that she was going to die, we were once again swarming with messages, texts, and phone calls. While these messages had a different tone than they did just 8 weeks earlier, the message was still the same- we are praying for you. From that point on, we received more cards, messages, and gifts than I can count. I couldn't tell you how many people (many of whom I don't even know) have told me that our story has changed their life, the way they raise their children, and the way their own faith has been strengthened. I knew that when we said goodbye to Madison, I wanted to give everyone the chance to be there to celebrate the short time Madison spent on this Earth, but the enormous impact that she has had on everyone around us.

Eric and I were completely overwhelmed with how many people came to Madison's visitation and funeral. We will never forget the kind words spoken to us, the gifts given to us, and donations made to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep bereavement photography program. Over a thousand dollars was donated to NILMDTS- how amazing is that!

Madison's funeral was the most beautiful service I've ever been to. The love radiating in that church and all around us was astounding. I couldn't have asked for a better way to say goodbye to our baby girl. While it was so different than Ian's funeral, both were perfect in their own ways. Thank you all for celebrating the life our our daughter with us.

I want to leave you all with the lyrics to the song that Kaci, Kendra, and Ashley sang at Madison's funeral- "I Will Carry You" by Selah. I think it speaks the way I felt since finding out that Madison was going to die. Though this wasn't the way I was planning on things to go, I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you <3

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know 

That the silence has brought me to His voice

And He says:

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A

Baby #2: 33 Weeks

How far along: 33 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 13 pounds for sure.

Sleep: I'm sleeping well, but getting up 2 or 3 times a night again to use the restroom.

Rings: On.

Showing: Yes sir!

Cravings: Drinks- water, milk, tea. The colder the better. Could explain the need to use the restroom so many times each night.

Gender: Girl!
 
Best Moment this Week: I'm not going to lie, this was an emotionally trying week for me. I cried almost every night this past week. There's been some recent pregnancy announcements that have hit me really hard for some reason. It's so hard to not question why they can get pregnant so easily and will more than likely go on to have healthy babies, when Eric and I tried so hard for Madison and she is going to die. (And if you've recently told us that you're expecting, please please know that I truly am so incredibly happy for you. Even if I can't tell you to your face, or the smile I sport when I'm talking to you about it seems forced. Please know that I pray that you go on to have that healthy baby and that you never know this pain. Because it sucks. And it makes it hard to be outwardly happy for you when I'm dying inside knowing that my babies didn't get to stay here.) That's one reason I chose the bible verse I did for this week's chalkboard. What's happened in our lives has made absolutely no sense to me, and I definitely don't understand what God is doing making us walk this path. But I have faith that one day God will show us the reason and we will understand why we had all of this heartache.

It also hit me hard this week that my time with Madison is coming to an end. On normal days, I feel Madison kick and roll so often throughout the day. But on Tuesday something was different. Madison was moving, but not as often. Maybe it was because I had a busy day at work and then a photo session that night that I wasn't paying as much attention to her movements. But at the end of the day, I really had to think about if she even moved at all. I started wondering if I'd felt her last kick, if her time here was really over. I couldn't handle the emotions I felt. Laying in bed that night, Eric made a comment about how she was kicking his back and a huge sigh of relief came over me. It made me realize how not ready I am for March to get here. It seemed so far away for so long, and all of a sudden I have weeks with her, not months. If time would stop right now I would be happy.

But luckily God always has a way to lift me up when I'm feeling down. The rest of the week Madison has been moving around like her normal self. Last night Eric and I had a mini dance marathon to our favorite Miley Cyrus songs (don't lie, you've all done it too!), and then jammed out to a few of our favorite love songs before bed. Then Kaci, Kendra, and Ashley told me that they wanted to have a little bible study for me on Friday night before my shower this weekend. It couldn't be coming at a better time!

Looking Forward To: A fresh new week! I'm having a little shower this weekend to honor Madison's short life with us. I can't wait to see what's going to happen- because they've kept me in the dark about all of it! And my best friends are holding a small bible study for me on Friday night. I seriously can't reiterate how thankful I am for those three girls. 

Baby #2: 22 Weeks

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

That verse got me through so much when we found out that our first child Ian had passed away at 16 weeks. It took on a whole new meaning this week after a text from my sister-in-law Nichole. In case you didn't know, Eric's older sister Julie passed away ten years ago this December. 

Here is what Nichole texted me: "I had a dream the other day that was so beautiful it brought me to tears. Julie was still alive and Erin and I went over to her house. She had a little boy and a baby girl at her house. Erin and I called her a baby hog and told her she needed to let us spend time with our niece and nephew. And she told us that they had to stay with her and we couldn't take them because she was in charge of taking care of them until you and Eric got to her house to take care of them again...I can't begin to imagine how hard it will be when you don't have her to hold onto anymore but I hope that knowing she has someone holding her hand and looking after her as she makes heaven her home (just like Ian does) makes it a little easier." Of course by this point I'm bawling- at work mind you. Then she sent me this: "...I also know you question God's plan a lot. Which is totally normal. I haven't stopped asking God why he took Julie from us too soon. People always say it was for a reason. But that dream was my first recognition of any actual reason. Maybe God knew that your babies and any babies Erin and I may lose too soon would need someone to hold their hand. Maybe that was her reason." 

It is incredibly hard to understand why this is happening. But Nichole showed me that, even if it's ten years from now or not until we pass away, we will know the reason for all of this. God truly does have a bigger plan <3

How far along: 22 weeks

Weight gain/loss: I'll find out for sure this week at my next appointment.

Sleep: These past few nights I've slept like a rock. Guess that's what weekends full of photoshoots will do to ya...

Rings: On and actually pretty loose.

Showing: Yep! But I kinda feel like I've hit a plateau. I don't feel like I'm really getting that much bigger.

Cravings: Hmm, nothing really I suppose. I guess I could say that I'm craving baby girl to keep kicking more and more- it's such an awesome feeling!

Gender: 100% girl.
 
Best Moment this Week: Oh man, where do I begin! We continue to get cards in the mail and many many people telling us in person that they are praying for us. It's truly wonderful that we have so many people that love us and baby girl. And speaking of baby girl- we finally picked a name!! You all will get to find out next week :) She keeps kicking more and more. I was laying on Eric's lap on the couch and he had his hand on my stomach. All of a sudden, she kicks him literally right where his hand was. As soon as it happened, I got all excited and looked up at Eric to ask if he felt that. He had no idea haha. One of these days he will feel her! Last night was a much needed girls night. Almost five hours of uninterrupted, completely wonderful, full of laughs girl talk. I think we could have talked for 5 more hours if it wasn't 10:30 at night. I'm getting so spoiled seeing these girls so often! And I'm meeting Ashley this week for fro-yo - score! 

Looking forward to: Another week with baby girl! I have a doctor's appointment this week with my OB in Effingham, so I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say about my appointment at Carle and to hear baby girl's heartbeat again <3

20 Weeks and a Not So Happy Pregnancy Update

On Wednesday, October 5, Eric and I went in to the OB office for our anatomy scan. We met in the parking lot and before we went in, I asked him what he hoped baby would be. "I don't care, as long as it's healthy", he said. I couldn't have agreed more.

I laid down on the table and she placed that ultrasound wand on my belly. The last time that happened when I was this far along we were met with a baby with no heartbeat. We heard the glorious sound of this baby's heartbeat and Eric squeezed my shoulder. We are going to take this one home, I thought to myself as we both smiled. The ultrasound tech made small talk as she took measurements of all our baby's precious features; ten tiny fingers, ten little toes, baby looked perfect. She asked if we wanted to know the sex, and of course we said yes. She showed us between baby's legs and we found out we were having a girl.

Thoughts of bows, dresses, dance recitals, and cheerleading practices ran through my head. Once she was done she left the room for a few minutes. I finally got to look at Eric and we both just smiled. I already knew she had Eric wrapped around her finger. A few minutes later she came back to get us to take us to a room to talk with my OB. I remember her taking us to a room that was out of the way of other exam rooms, and it wasn't on the side my OB is normally on. I guess that should have been our first clue, but I was so over the moon about having a girl I didn't notice.

The OB came in and we still couldn't wipe the smiles off of our faces. She looked at us and said that she didn't like the pictures. At first, I thought Oh man, she said that 18 weeks might be too early to get good pictures of everything. She said I might have to come back in a week or two to get better pictures. If Eric wasn't going to Japan, we wouldn't have had to have the scan so early. I joked, "Oh man, do I have to come back to get better pictures?"

She looked us straight in the eye. I'll never forget the next words she said. "I don't know how to tell you this without crying. It looks like your baby has Anencephaly." My mind instantly began racing trying to decide what that meant. Working with special needs children, I've heard of many different disorders, but this one wasn't ringing a bell. She began showing us the pictures of our baby's head and telling us that the skull was flat, not curved like it should be. She didn't have the top part of her skull. It stopped a little bit above her eyes and then started again on the back of her head.

"What does that mean?" I asked. I could tell it was hard for her to tell us that it meant our baby was going to die. Anencephaly is a fatal birth defect. The tears came streaming down my face and before I knew it I was sobbing. "Are you sure?" I asked. She silently shook her head yes and told us she was give us a few minutes alone.

I remember looking at Eric and telling him that I didn't want to kill her. Then it hit me. When we buried Ian, we bought three plots right next to each other. One for Ian, and then ones for Eric and I. "Where will we bury her?" I asked as I started crying even harder. Could this really be happening to us again?

When the OB came back in, she told us that she wanted to set us up with an appointment in Champaign to get a second opinion. Eric drove me home, I'm not even sure if I remember the drive. We got home and just laid together, him holding me close and letting me cry on his shoulder. We had our parents come over and we broke the news to them. There wasn't a dry eye that night.

The next Wednesday, the 12th, we made the trip to Champaign to see Dr. Skannal. We started with an ultrasound. Boy oh boy was baby girl stubborn. The majority of the ultrasound she was head down in my belly. When the ultrasound tech would finally find a good position to get a measurement, baby would move her arm in the way or kick her feet and roll over, ruining the picture the tech wanted to get. We tried everything we could think of, but baby girl was as ornery as could be. I wonder who she got that from? Ehem, Eric.

The tech did finally get all of the pictures she needed. Dr. Skannal came in and did a quick scan on me again, telling me about everything we were seeing. She pointed out baby's head on the ultrasound and said that she did indeed have Anencephaly, and told us what we could see on the ultrasound looking down at the top of her head was her brain. It didn't hurt near as badly when baby's diagnosis was confirmed, probably because I had had a week to start accepting that our baby was going to die.

We went to another room where we could talk and ask questions. Dr. Skannal told us that no one is really sure why babies get Anencephaly. One theory is that they didn't get enough folic acid, so she told me that next pregnancy I would need to be on an increased dose of folic acid. She also said that there might be a genetic or chromosomal reason. We decided to do some preliminary chromosomal blood testing to determine if that could be a cause.

Anencephaly is considered a neural tube defect, like Spina Bifida. Before day 30 of development, the neural tube should close over what would essentially become the nervous system, the spine and the head. In our baby's case, the neural tube never closed. That means that part of her brain and the top part of her skull did not develop. Babies with Anencephaly cannot survive for an extended time outside of the womb. No one can tell you how long your baby will live- she might die before she's born, she might die during birth, she might live a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. But ultimately, she will pass away.

We were given two options- end the pregnancy or carry our baby to term. After hearing about both of our options, I was pretty positive that I wanted to carry her to term. But, Eric and I hadn't really discussed what we would do. That night as we laid in bed, I asked him what he thought we should do. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he wanted to do what was going to be the easiest for me. Like either option would be easy on me. But I couldn't imagine ending our daughter's life before God was ready for her. It might be selfish of me, but I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can. I want to feel her kick and grow inside me and remind me that she is just as much a person as you or I, even though her time on Earth will be limited. I asked Eric if he would be OK if I carried her as long as God let me. He told me yes and gave me the biggest hug.

It's not fair that this is happening to us, and I know that we would be the best parents. Jesus said, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7. I don't know what God's plan for us is. I thought that this baby was it, and maybe it is. I know that our baby having Anencephaly wasn't in my plan, but my plan is not nearly as amazing as God's plan is. I can't wait for the day when all of this pain and hurt makes sense, fully knowing that that probably won't be until I pass away and can ask God myself. And on that day, oh what a sweet reunion it will be with Ian and baby girl! But until then, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time with our baby girl. And please, keep asking us about how things are going and praying for us to remain strong in our decision and to truly enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. She is still our daughter after all. Until next week, friends. <3

We Prayed...He Answered

483 days of prayer, give or take a few. Since about March of 2015, we have been trying to get pregnant again. It had been a long and trying time. Taking my temperature every morning to track ovulation, medicine from my doctor to help me ovulate, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test-it takes its toll on ya. 

Even my doctor recommended that after my May cycle and no pregnancy that we start thinking about other options. Eric and I asked if we could try just a few more cycles, since I had actually been ovulating the past few cycles. The doctor agreed. And on June 26, I couldn't believe it when I saw two pink lines.

Eric had been nagging me about when I could take my test that month. I wasn't due to start my period until the Tuesday, but I said I would probably take one on Sunday since I had some tests to use. When Eric was gone for a bachelor party that weekend, I almost didn't take the test. But I decided that I told him I would, so off to the bathroom I go. Much to my surprise, there were actually two lines on that test. I couldn't wait until Eric got home to tell him, which amounted to me doing some blubbering about how he needs to hurry up and get the barn done so we can move my photography stuff out of the nursery by March. I'll never forget the way his face lit up.

And now here we are, 12 weeks pregnant with a baby with a strong heartbeat. Hearing that sound on the dopplar was the best sound I've heard in a while. I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck, especially until 16-17 weeks when we lost Ian, so we would appreciate your prayers! They say after every storm is a rainbow, and ours gets here March 5, 2017 <3

Thy Will

This morning I was driving in my car to go babysit Auggie. And like it usually does, my mind drifted to Ian, and what life would be like if he was still here. Then, like a sign from God, this song came on the radio- "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. 

I only had to listen to a few lines before I knew that God was trying to tell me something. 

"I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord."

I've spent a long time trying to make sense of God's promises. Some days I'm able to pull myself up and smile and laugh and know that everything is going to be alright. Some days I raise my fists to God and ask Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

And the beautiful thing is that I didn't do anything. For not my will but Thine be done. God's plans are far greater than mine. He knows just what I need, like the cuddles Auggie gave me today as he went down for his nap. 

I've noticed God's plan a lot this past week. It all started with that bad storm on our anniversary. Normally, I would be home by 4 o'clock. But that day, I decided to get a sweet tea and stop by the paint store to get some stain. Instead of being home when the tree fell, I was still on my way and didn't have to be scared out of my mind when it happened. 

Because of that tree falling, we found out that the tree that it hit was rotted inside and would need to be taken completely down. My absolute favorite tree in our yard could have fallen on our house during the next big storm. It was truly a blessing in disguise. (Even if I hated watching it get cut down). 

Even though my plan and God's plan do not in any way, shape or form line up (if only I could be that lucky!), I know that he hears my prayers, he sees my tears fall down, and that he has greater things in store for me.

Because if Ian hadn't passed away, we wouldn't have Cassie. We wouldn't be putting all this extra money into our house payment. We wouldn't be renovating our barn. I can only think that God is allowing us to better prepare for the family that we will have one day, no matter how long it takes. 

Lots of you have had your plans line up with God's, and believe me when I say I couldn't be happier for you. But some of you haven't. Some of you pray every night that you'll find the money to make it through the month, that you'll get the call back from your interview, that this month will be the month you'll see those two pink lines. I know it's easy to give up on God. It's easy to fall into a dark place. If there's anything I can tell you, it's that God sees you, God hears you, and he only has goodness in store. So Thy will be done.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."- Jeremiah 29:11