Jordan's Birth Story

I wish I could say that when I went to my 18 week appointment and they told me that our baby's heart wasn't beating I was surprised. But I wasn't. I had had an uneasy feeling about that appointment all day. I tried to remember the last time that I had actually truly felt him move, and I was drawing a blank. Sure, there were times that I thought I felt him move, more than likely convinced myself that I was feeling him move. But I obviously wasn't. And at around 3 PM on June 1st, my worst fear came true. 

Dr. Haller tried to listen with the doppler in the exam room, but I could tell she wasn't finding anything. My heart was sinking. As we went into the ultrasound room and I was met with a still baby on the screen, I knew that he was gone. I flashed back to images Ian, who also laid still on that ultrasound screen for me too. I honestly couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. 

I was able to call Eric and he came as soon as he could, which wasn't near fast enough. I had a lot of time to cry and think as I waited in a back exam room for him to show up. So many thoughts crossed my mind, but the biggest one was why? Why was this happening again. Again we would be going to the hospital to have a baby, but wouldn't be bringing it home. Again we would be going to the cemetery a few days later to bury yet another child. It's probably not hard to imagine that after all of this, Eric and I just felt pretty numb to all the pain. 

Yes, we were both incredibly sad, how can you not be? But after hearing such devastating news now for the third time, I guess our hearts had put up a barrier to not pull us down as deep as we had gone with Ian and Madison. This time was a little different having Brayden and Ashley. I honestly welcomed the distraction that caring for them provided. It kills me to know that they will never know yet another sibling, but I am also thankful that they are still too young to really understand what is happening, so Eric and I have time to explain everything to them as they get older.

We made the decision that at 6:30 on June 3rd we would start my induction. Things progressed slowly at first. I didn't really notice anything resembling a contraction for a few hours. I received my first pain medicine probably around 9:30 or 10 as my contractions worsened. I would guess around 11 or 11:30 my contractions really escalated. I'm pretty sure I got another round of the same medicine I had for pain at first, but this time it wasn't really helping. 

At this point Eric had moved his chair over beside the bed so I could squeeze his hand during the contractions. They were getting stronger and longer. This time was so different from Ian. I don't remember having any big contractions at all with him. I gave birth to Ian without any nurse or doctor in the room, he almost popped out of me without me having to do a thing. But oh this time, this time I was in pain, and a lot of it. I remember telling Eric that if the pain lasted much longer I was going to need an epidural. 

The nurse got the go-ahead to give me a different pain medicine- one she warned that would probably make me very sleepy. I'm pretty positive it did absolutely nothing to help my pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was about to give birth to our son. 

Before I knew it Dr. Haller was in the room. Not that I really saw her, because my eyes were glued shut from the pain. And at 1:01 PM, I gave birth to our fifth baby, a son, Jordan Kenneth. 

He was so different from Ian. Even though I gave birth to him a week later than I did with Ian, he was actually a younger gestation, measuring only a little over 15 weeks from the ultrasound where we learned he was gone. Where Ian was red, Jordan was almost white, and his skin seemed see-through. He had extra fluid around his head and body, which they told us was common for a baby who had been passed for that long. Oh but he was perfect.

Ten little fingers and toes, and the cutest little knuckle wrinkles I'd ever seen. No picture I took of them did them any justice. 

By this time, that medicine that the nurse said would make me sleepy had taken over. I was beat. I soaked up as much as I could of Jordan. I gave him kisses, told him how much I loved him. But I was struggling to stay awake. We said our final goodbyes to him, but our time together would never be long enough. As I was eating lunch after they took him away, I was basically falling asleep mid-bite. I don't know how long I slept, but I do know that sleep finally overcame me. 

I woke up and everything that had happened had truly seemed like a dream. That's one regret I'll always have, that I don't know that I really appreciated and took in all that I could with Jordan because I was so tired from that medicine. My other regret is that I never got a recording of his heartbeat. At my appointment just days before I had had my phone out and ready to hit record once we heard it. But it never came, and now I'll never have it. If I could go back I would make sure to record it the first time they played it for me. That's a mute point now though. 

To lighten the mood a little, I wanted to let you in on how Jordan got his name. Not long after we found out we were pregnant with him, we started talking names. We weren't going to find out the sex, so we needed to have a girl and boy name ready. We had decided on a girl name pretty quickly- Katie- but we were having trouble with a boy name. 

Eric told me that he had a brilliant idea. We already have a (Tom) Brady, who is the GOAT of football, he said. So now, we need another GOAT, a (Michael) Jordan. I vividly remember just rolling me eyes at him. I told him that I wasn't really fond of the name Jordan, but he really didn't care. From that moment on, our baby went by "Katie Jordan" when Eric talked about it. 

After learning that our baby was gone, we once again talked about what we were going to name it. Selfishly, I wanted to save Katie for if we had another living daughter. We threw around the back up name we had for Ashley, but that didn't really stick either. Then Eric said, "I know it was kind of a joke before, but what do you think about Jordan?" 

And at that moment, I knew that Jordan was perfect. It was, after all, his name from the very start.

We laid Jordan to rest next to Ian and Madison on Sunday, June 6 at 2 PM with our parents and siblings by our side. I can't adequately put into words what it is like burying a child, not to mention three of them, but I will tell you that it sucks. No parent should ever have to go through this, and we've done it three times now.

I have so many questions for God, so many "why's". I doubt I get answers, at least not while I'm here on Earth. A dear friend's sister, who lost her son a little over a year ago, sent me this quote from Mother Angelica and it really hit home. 

Why, my child- do you ask "why"? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting beauty- he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of Heaven unknown to men on Earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent posses. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My kingdom and each creature fills a place in that kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into seed, made it grow, and called it forth. 

Sweet Jordan, it gives me peace to know that God did create you for a reason, and that now you are rejoicing in Heaven with the angels and your brother and sister. You never knew pain, or sadness, or sin. Only love, so much love. And while I would give anything to still have you growing inside me, I am comforted by the fact that you are growing up with Jesus by your side.  

Brayden and Ashley: Sixteen Months

Brayden and Ashley are officially sixteen months old and as busy as ever. They are growing and learning every day, and Eric and I are soaking up everything we can. This month, we enjoyed being outside as much as we could, a first trip to the zoo, a first Schackmann family vacation, and so much more.

 

Brayden, your smile is still my favorite thing to see. You flash those pearly whites any time you see your momma, or when daddy or grandpa Schackmann walks through the door. The outside is still your favorite place to be, and you would stay out all day if we would let you. You love the dogs (and putting your tongue out to pant like them too), picking any leaf or flower you can find, and sticks. Man you love a good stick. The bigger the better. Books are still your favorite toy, and you've ripped enough flaps off of them for me to make an entire new book with them. You've figured out that from your crib you can reach the curtains, and like to put on a light show for your sister when you wake up early from your afternoon nap. You weigh 27 pounds and are 32.5 inches tall. Bath time is your least favorite time, and you let us know that by your screams until we take you out of the water. Lucky for us you did tolerate the pool on our little vacay, so I'm hoping that you'll enjoy the pool this summer, and maybe learn to like bath time a little more again. You have some pretty big tantrums for seemingly no reason, so we aren't looking forward to seeing what comes with that as you get older. You love to talk, and probably talk more than Ashley does, but most of the time we still have no clue what you are saying. I'm sure in the next few weeks your vocabulary will grow as you continue to read and explore the world around you. 

 

 

Ashley, you. are. wild. And we love you for it. You have the orneriest little smile and giggle when you are doing something that you know you shouldn't be. You still love cuddling up on my left shoulder, and have gotten pretty jealous when Brady tries to get some cuddles in.  Or even daddy for that matter- we really need to film the way she will push him away or lift his hand off of her leg when he tries to cuddle with us.  You love to climb, and are so daring and adventurous. So daring, in fact, that you decided you would walk straight off the top concrete step by our front porch, which might have resulted in a few tears. You have started protesting clothes, especially your bib and shirt. Shoes, on the other hand, are something that I'm pretty positive you would wear to bed. You weigh 23.2 pounds and are 31 inches tall. You love holding momma's hand to go for a walk and when daddy tickles your belly. Your hair is getting so curly, just like your momma's was when she was your age. Your vocabulary grows every day as you love to repeat everything that we say, and your piggy "oink" is one of my favorite noises you make. 

 

Here's to another month of loving on the two of you!

 

We were ready. You were not.

We were ready. 

We were ready for the craziness that would have come with three under two. But you were not.

We were ready for the jealousy Brady and Ashley would have felt, that would have eventually turned into a love that a mother and father dream about. But you were not.

We were ready for the newborn stage. For the late nights. The early mornings. The snuggles. The tears. But you were not. 

We were ready for the van full. The rearranging of bedrooms. The reality that we would be outnumbered. But you were not.

We were ready for the fall. The turning leaves. The new baby smell. But you were not.

Jordan Kenneth Schackmann, we were ready to spend a lifetime loving on you here on Earth. But for a reason only God knows why, you were not.

We welcomed you into our arms on Wednesday June 3rd, 2021 at 1:01 PM, all 2.6 ounces and 6 inches of you. Every little toe, every little finger (including every little knuckle wrinkle), our perfect son. Your wings were ready, but our hearts were not.

May Memories

Whew, what a month we have had! Be prepared for a picture filled blog post covering a camping trip with friends, a weekend in St. Louis with family, and a trip down to southern Illinois with my best friends. May was not shy in the memory department!

First up is our camping trip in Pyramid State Park with Brian and Mara. This is the second time we've camped down there with them and I'm already looking forward to doing it again. Saturday was a bit rainy and overcast but we made the most of it with a little fishing/hiking in the morning. Eric and I were unsuccessful in the fishing department, but both Brian and Mara caught fish that day.

It was back to camp for lunch and little nap, and then we were back at it again with a little drinking in Murphysboro, a trip to the spillway, and a pre-dinner snack at Crazy Joe's Fish Shack. I had been to the spillway once before when Eric graduated from Carbondale, but the water was running too much that day to actually climb up it. The water was running when we got there this time, but not enough to stop us from climbing up to the top. 

That night we started dinner way too late and ended up eating in the rain that our phones said we weren't going to get. And instead of cooking breakfast the next morning, we might have stopped at a place Eric and I used to visit when we lived in Pinckneyville- The Dixie Cup Cafe. It was just like I remembered, not the best food you'll ever eat, but super cheap and a lot of it. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm already looking forward to another camping trip with those guys.

Last weekend we packed up our van yet again, but this time with Brady and Ashley in tow! We met Erin and Chad, and Nichole, Connor, Grant and Emily in St. Louis for a fun weekend at the zoo and aquarium.

We got to the zoo right when it opened, which was great for some cooler weather and smaller crowds, but not great to see the animals. We walked through River's Edge first, but absolutely none of the animals were out yet, which was a big bummer. So after that we went to the dinosaur exhibit, where we knew the animals would be out (ha!). Brady ate this part up. Ashley was pretty attached to me, but seemed to enjoy it.

Overall, the day was a success! We did get to see plenty of animals, and favorites were some fish for Brayden and the giraffes for Ashley. 

We rode the carousal, which I can't decide if it was a flop or not. Brayden would NOT get on any of the animals, so I had to hold him to entire time. Ashley got on an animal and let Connor hold her hand, but showed no emotion the entire ride. At least they didn't cry I guess?

By the end of the day, we were all pooped, and Brayden and Ashley were asleep before we even left the park. It was back to the house for a nice long nap.

After naps we hunted down a park to take the kids to. Brady showed us his love for a good stick, and Ashley enjoyed sitting in the shade. Emily and Grant had fun on all of the equipment though!

  

Sunday morning we packed up, but made a stop at the aquarium before heading home. Neither of my children were in the best mood this day- I think that they were both still so tired from the full day before. (And I think they were both already cutting some extra teeth that I noticed a few days later.) 

Brayden loved seeing all the fish, and Ashley really enjoyed playing in the water and watching the stingrays. 

We even rode the big ferris wheel before we left. Standing in line waiting to get on, I was sure that it was going to be a disaster- we had two tired, cranky children on our hands. But once in our car, they did both seem to enjoy it and loved looked out the window.

It was a full weekend of family and fun, and even though the kids were a little cranky at times, I'm already looking forward to getting together with their cousins again and having another adventure!

And then this past weekend I left the babies with Eric and headed down to southern Illinois with my three best friends from high school. We might not get together near as much as we want to, but when we do, it's like we haven't missed a beat. I am blessed beyond measure to have had these girls with me through thick and thin.

Friday we kicked off our trip with the Shawnee Hill Wine Trail! The weather was a little chilly and wet, but we made the most of it.

Saturday we headed to Garden of the Gods and hiked to Camel Rock. We did lots of exploring and climbing all over all the rock formations in the area, and I will admit that I am the scaredy-cat of the group (I'm blaming it on being pregnant ha!).

We enjoyed the views from our own private rock we found.

After eating a feast with enough food for us and all of our families, we hunted down a second hiking spot with a secret canyon. The water was so clear, and we were the only ones around (minus a few people on horseback we met on our way in). We again enjoyed climbing around and exploring all that nature had to offer.

That night we ate at a little spot on the Ohio River, and then took a 1/3 mile hike (which was really waaaay longer than just a 1/3 mile) down to see the river from the place we were staying. I'd say the hike was worth the view!

The next morning we made one last stop before officially heading home- Ferne Clyffe State Park. We hiked on the trail to this pretty waterfall, and then hiked through the rocks to get back to the van. If there's one thing I learned from this trip, it's that we love the outdoors and a little adventure (and are apparently scared of noises you hear in the middle of the night- but I'll save that story for another time ha!). 

I'm a little sad that May is officially over and we are now on to June, but I know that more adventures await us, and I am all for it!