I wish I could say that when I went to my 18 week appointment and they told me that our baby's heart wasn't beating I was surprised. But I wasn't. I had had an uneasy feeling about that appointment all day. I tried to remember the last time that I had actually truly felt him move, and I was drawing a blank. Sure, there were times that I thought I felt him move, more than likely convinced myself that I was feeling him move. But I obviously wasn't. And at around 3 PM on June 1st, my worst fear came true.
Dr. Haller tried to listen with the doppler in the exam room, but I could tell she wasn't finding anything. My heart was sinking. As we went into the ultrasound room and I was met with a still baby on the screen, I knew that he was gone. I flashed back to images Ian, who also laid still on that ultrasound screen for me too. I honestly couldn't believe that this was happening to us again.
I was able to call Eric and he came as soon as he could, which wasn't near fast enough. I had a lot of time to cry and think as I waited in a back exam room for him to show up. So many thoughts crossed my mind, but the biggest one was why? Why was this happening again. Again we would be going to the hospital to have a baby, but wouldn't be bringing it home. Again we would be going to the cemetery a few days later to bury yet another child. It's probably not hard to imagine that after all of this, Eric and I just felt pretty numb to all the pain.
Yes, we were both incredibly sad, how can you not be? But after hearing such devastating news now for the third time, I guess our hearts had put up a barrier to not pull us down as deep as we had gone with Ian and Madison. This time was a little different having Brayden and Ashley. I honestly welcomed the distraction that caring for them provided. It kills me to know that they will never know yet another sibling, but I am also thankful that they are still too young to really understand what is happening, so Eric and I have time to explain everything to them as they get older.
We made the decision that at 6:30 on June 3rd we would start my induction. Things progressed slowly at first. I didn't really notice anything resembling a contraction for a few hours. I received my first pain medicine probably around 9:30 or 10 as my contractions worsened. I would guess around 11 or 11:30 my contractions really escalated. I'm pretty sure I got another round of the same medicine I had for pain at first, but this time it wasn't really helping.
At this point Eric had moved his chair over beside the bed so I could squeeze his hand during the contractions. They were getting stronger and longer. This time was so different from Ian. I don't remember having any big contractions at all with him. I gave birth to Ian without any nurse or doctor in the room, he almost popped out of me without me having to do a thing. But oh this time, this time I was in pain, and a lot of it. I remember telling Eric that if the pain lasted much longer I was going to need an epidural.
The nurse got the go-ahead to give me a different pain medicine- one she warned that would probably make me very sleepy. I'm pretty positive it did absolutely nothing to help my pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was about to give birth to our son.
Before I knew it Dr. Haller was in the room. Not that I really saw her, because my eyes were glued shut from the pain. And at 1:01 PM, I gave birth to our fifth baby, a son, Jordan Kenneth.
He was so different from Ian. Even though I gave birth to him a week later than I did with Ian, he was actually a younger gestation, measuring only a little over 15 weeks from the ultrasound where we learned he was gone. Where Ian was red, Jordan was almost white, and his skin seemed see-through. He had extra fluid around his head and body, which they told us was common for a baby who had been passed for that long. Oh but he was perfect.
Ten little fingers and toes, and the cutest little knuckle wrinkles I'd ever seen. No picture I took of them did them any justice.
By this time, that medicine that the nurse said would make me sleepy had taken over. I was beat. I soaked up as much as I could of Jordan. I gave him kisses, told him how much I loved him. But I was struggling to stay awake. We said our final goodbyes to him, but our time together would never be long enough. As I was eating lunch after they took him away, I was basically falling asleep mid-bite. I don't know how long I slept, but I do know that sleep finally overcame me.
I woke up and everything that had happened had truly seemed like a dream. That's one regret I'll always have, that I don't know that I really appreciated and took in all that I could with Jordan because I was so tired from that medicine. My other regret is that I never got a recording of his heartbeat. At my appointment just days before I had had my phone out and ready to hit record once we heard it. But it never came, and now I'll never have it. If I could go back I would make sure to record it the first time they played it for me. That's a mute point now though.
To lighten the mood a little, I wanted to let you in on how Jordan got his name. Not long after we found out we were pregnant with him, we started talking names. We weren't going to find out the sex, so we needed to have a girl and boy name ready. We had decided on a girl name pretty quickly- Katie- but we were having trouble with a boy name.
Eric told me that he had a brilliant idea. We already have a (Tom) Brady, who is the GOAT of football, he said. So now, we need another GOAT, a (Michael) Jordan. I vividly remember just rolling me eyes at him. I told him that I wasn't really fond of the name Jordan, but he really didn't care. From that moment on, our baby went by "Katie Jordan" when Eric talked about it.
After learning that our baby was gone, we once again talked about what we were going to name it. Selfishly, I wanted to save Katie for if we had another living daughter. We threw around the back up name we had for Ashley, but that didn't really stick either. Then Eric said, "I know it was kind of a joke before, but what do you think about Jordan?"
And at that moment, I knew that Jordan was perfect. It was, after all, his name from the very start.
We laid Jordan to rest next to Ian and Madison on Sunday, June 6 at 2 PM with our parents and siblings by our side. I can't adequately put into words what it is like burying a child, not to mention three of them, but I will tell you that it sucks. No parent should ever have to go through this, and we've done it three times now.
I have so many questions for God, so many "why's". I doubt I get answers, at least not while I'm here on Earth. A dear friend's sister, who lost her son a little over a year ago, sent me this quote from Mother Angelica and it really hit home.
Why, my child- do you ask "why"? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting beauty- he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of Heaven unknown to men on Earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent posses. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My kingdom and each creature fills a place in that kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into seed, made it grow, and called it forth.
Sweet Jordan, it gives me peace to know that God did create you for a reason, and that now you are rejoicing in Heaven with the angels and your brother and sister. You never knew pain, or sadness, or sin. Only love, so much love. And while I would give anything to still have you growing inside me, I am comforted by the fact that you are growing up with Jesus by your side.
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