Baby #6: 12-18 Weeks

I'm anxiously excited to be thinking that we will be welcoming baby #6 in June. I've thought too many times that our lives would be different in a few months to have our hopes shattered, but I'm trying to stay positive and be thankful for each day we have with this baby. And maybe, just maybe, we might actually be welcoming baby #6 to our home in June. 

We had our first transfer on September 22. Eric still couldn't come in the office for the transfer, so we video chatted while the transfer took place. I'm really hoping that in the future he will get to come back in the office again to be there with me during everything.

Our first blood draw was scheduled for September 30, but I took a pregnancy test the day before and it came up positive! We had our second blood draw on October 4th where our numbers were increasing- all good news. Our first ultrasound was October 15, where again Eric couldn't come in, but we were able to video chat. Hearing our baby's little heartbeat was a sigh of relief. 

October 29th was our second ultrasound at STL Fertility where we were officially released from their care. Huge thanks to Dr. Dayal for allowing this to happen for us again! 

But before we came home that day, we actually went to Missouri Baptist Medical Center to meet with our high risk OB, Dr. Michael Paul. We sat with him for over an hour reviewing our history, answering his questions, and asking our own. He wanted a lot of bloodwork done to check for a few different things that could affect our ability to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

I'm so thankful for him drawing that bloodwork, because we found out that I have two different types of blood clotting disorders. (Dr. Dayal actually put me on blood thinners when we started medicine for our transfer in September just in case, but never actually did any of the bloodwork to see if I did have a clotting disorder.) So I have been on blood thinners since August, and we are hoping that that will make a difference in getting to bring this baby home. We will never know if that is the reason that we lost Ian and Jordan, but at least now I feel like we are being proactive about the situation.

We are getting ultrasounds every two weeks at this point, both for my peace of mind and to keep an eye on baby. I've not minded getting to see baby and hear it's heartbeat every two weeks! At about every appointment we've had, baby's heartbeat has been in the upper 160s/low 170s. 

On December 23rd we had an "early anatomy scan" with Dr. Paul, where we got the good news that baby's head is perfect, which was another huge sigh of relief. 

I'm 18 weeks now, and I've been feeling baby wiggle around in there since about 15 weeks. I've felt a few kicks here and there, but mostly just stretching and turning. I'm excited for baby to start kicking hard enough for Eric to feel it too. 

 

 

At this point, we are terrified, ecstatic, nervous, thankful, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm just thanking God we have one more day with this baby, and I'll hopefully be doing that all the way up until June and beyond once he or she is here and healthy with us. 

BIG

Brayden and Ashley are getting big in more ways than one. That's right- we have a big brother and big sister on our hands! Baby Schackmann #5 is set to make his or her arrival at the end of October.

Since it took about six months from our first transfer trying for the twins until we actually had a successful transfer (not to mention all the months before that preparing for/having an egg retrieval), Eric and I decided this past fall that we were wanting to get back on the radar at Dr. Dayal's office for a transfer for our next baby. 

We chatted with her in October, and were all set to have our first transfer in December. That is until my numbers weren't doing what they were supposed to do and Dr. Dayal canceled our transfer a few days before we were supposed to go in. After a little initial heartbreak of not being able to do the transfer in December, we started up medicine again to have our transfer in February.

February 11th we made our way over to St. Louis. Thanks to Covid, things looked different this time around and Eric wasn't allowed to come into the building with me. Thank goodness for technology and the fact that we could Facetime during the procedure (even though he says he couldn't really see anything that was happening- hey, at least he was "there" for it). 

On the 19th we had our first blood draw (and I miiiiiiight have taken a home pregnancy test that morning before work as well), and it came back that we were pregnant! I don't think that Eric or I were expecting our first transfer to work, especially since it took three transfers to get Brayden and Ashley. 

March 8th we got to see our little bean and its beating heart for the first time, and we have had four ultrasounds since then. (And yes, there is only one this time.)

Just yesterday we confirmed that baby Schackmann has a perfectly round, complete head, and a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders. I tell you what, pregnancy (especially pregnancy after loss) sure is NERVEWRECKING. 

I'm officially 14 weeks today, and overall I've been doing very well. I've been a little extra tired, a little nauseous throughout the day (I might eat two breakfasts and then an early supper on my way home from work...), and I might have already busted out my maternity clothes (seriously, my stomach popped out way early this time around). 

We are so excited to meet you this fall, baby!

Two.

Two.

Ever since seeing this double rainbow on Ian's first birthday, the number two has held a special place in my heart. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a double rainbow over a single one since Ian's death. And I know that others around me would say the same thing. Two butterflies playing, two cardinals in the yard. Two was all around us.

Two took on a whole new meaning when we learned that Madison would be joining her brother Ian in Heaven. Two babies, both in Heaven.

Two is the number of failed IVF transfers that we had. Two times our hopes were so high, only to come crashing down at that negative test.

Two, that's how many embryos we transferred this last time.

And that's how many heartbeats we heard on the ultrasound four weeks later.

Suddenly two had an entirely new meaning. Because now it meant that we would be bringing two babies into the world. Two times the clothes, two times the diapers, two times the late night feedings. But we will also enjoy two times to smiles, two times the laughs, and two times the love.

And at our most recent ultrasound we received the best news of all. We have two babies with two perfectly round heads. 

There's still so much time left in this pregnancy, and I'd be lying if I said I thought we were totally in the clear now. But every day I get to spend with these two babies makes me even more grateful and even more excited that we will actually get to bring these babies home in February (because let's be honest, I doubt I make it to their due date on March 5). 

Here's to a quick and healthy remainder of this pregnancy. We appreciate any and all prayers you want to send our way!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Except When it Isn't)

Driving home from work the other day, my mind drifted, much like it always does, to Ian and Madison. I was brought back to three years ago when I couldn't find Ian's heartbeat on our doppler. On Saturday, it will have been three years since we said hello and goodbye to our first child.

Like a big old slap in the face, the radio began to play that song. You know, the one that proclaims "it's the most wonderful time of year". Except for me. There's not too much that's wonderful about being reminded that your child is no longer here.

Because the holidays, especially Christmas, are filled with picture perfect Christmas cards, Instagram photos of children opening their presents or leaving cookies for Santa, and all around joy and cheer. But when you've lost a child, this time of the year can be down right impossible. There's the constant reminder that your child is no longer here. You don't have to look far to see the empty stockings or a few less presents under the tree. And all that joy and cheer that everyone else seems to be beaming with is the last thing on your mind.

It's no secret that Eric and I desperately want to be parents to a child (many, many children) here on Earth. In September, I was able to switch insurances to get my infertility treatments covered, and since then we've been having more monitoring of my cycles done. I started very optimistic that we would quickly be able to get pregnant again now that Dr. Haller could better see what was going on. But that optimism soon turned to despair as the trigger shot only made me ovulate one time, and the last two cycles I haven't had any mature follicles to release by day 14, so I haven't even been able to receive the trigger shot. [If all this sounds confusing, it's because it is ha! I hope you never have to know what all these things mean. But if you're curious, just ask and I'll fill you in.]

Yesterday, I had my last ultrasound and meeting with Dr. Haller. After telling me that the one follicle I had wasn't big enough to trigger, I just broke down. I wanted so badly to be pregnant already, and I was so hopeful that I would be able to achieve this feat with Dr. Haller. Lo and behold, God had other plans.

On my drive home, Psalm 46:10 drifted into my mind. "Be still, and know that I am God." How powerful are those words! It is so hard to be patient and trusting when what you want right this second isn't what God has in store for you. And I've fallen victim to this more times than I want to admit.

As I was leaving, Dr. Haller assured me that next Christmas would look a lot different from this one. January 5th, Eric and I go to St. Louis to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. Dayal-the same one who is giving the Finley's their rainbow baby!) to figure out the next steps in our journey to grow our family. This isn't the plan I had in mind for us, but I can only hope and pray that what God has in store is better than we could have ever imagined. And that next Christmas truly will look a lot different for our Schackmann family.