Meet Melani and her family. Melani is married to my cousin Doug. They have three sweet children, and I had no idea that she had had a miscarriage. Read Melani's story below:
"I knew I loved you before I met you." Those are the lyrics to a Savage Garden song that I never really "got". How can you love someone without knowing them first. It seemed to me like you were putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. I never really thought too much about it until October 2009. I felt every emotion in the book, and all these emotions I felt for someone I would never know or meet.
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I was finally headed to get my gallbladder taken out.
After years of attacks and discomfort, I finally bit the bullet and made the
appointment. Bright and early on a Friday, I did the standard
paperwork and urine screen to make sure I wasn't pregnant. I set my
specimen on the counter and went about putting my gown and slippers on.
The nurse grabbed my sample and took it to do the test. About 10 minutes
later my surgeon came in and said we would have to reschedule my surgery for a
later time.
"Oh,
okay why?" I blankly asked.
"Well,
sweetie, because you're pregnant" She was trying to gauge
my response carefully.
I
instantly went into panic mode. We had a 5 year old girl and a 15
month boy old at home. We were done. WE AGREED WE WERE
DONE! So there my husband and I were, staring at one another, trying to
decide the next step. The nurse called my OBGYN and they said to come
straight over for blood work and an ultrasound. I slowly got dressed
while Doug went out to get the car. The more I thought about it the more
excited I got. Obviously "someone" wanted us to have another
baby. By the time I got in the car and was headed for my new
appointment I was happy. Doug was coming around to it. He's
much more analytical than me.
Now I was
in a different gown getting an ultrasound. The tech was very sweet and
let us see the "peanut" right away. Since I wasn't
very far along (about 4 weeks) she couldn't really take too many measurements
so she went straight for looking for a fetal pulse. She looked and
looked, but wasn't really getting anything on the monitor. She
instantly left and talked to the doctor. When she came back in she
quietly told us to head to the back waiting room so I could get my blood
drawn. After that I didn't see the doctor or talk to
anyone we were just dismissed to go home. I went to work
that Monday and of course everyone wanted to know why I was back so
soon from my surgery. I told them and we all laughed about the
situation. You have to admit, it's a pretty amusing way to
find out you're pregnant.
By the
following Wednesday I was miserable. Bleeding and cramping
were the order of the day. I called the on-call OB doctor that night
and she very blankly said "You're miscarrying, didn't anyone talk to
you about what was going to happen?" NO... NO ONE TOLD ME
ANYTHING! I had miscarried many years ago but I didn't even know I
was pregnant that time until after it happened, so I had no idea what to
expect. This time was different. I knew I was pregnant.
Thursday
morning I went into have more bloodwork to make sure that I was indeed
miscarrying. Still no doctor
communication. Thursday afternoon on my
way to work the clinic called to tell me my hormone levels were dropping and
that I would have some discomfort before I passed the fetus. The fetus?...This wasn't just a fetus, this
was our baby...MY BABY! My goofball
friends had already started picking out names from Vampire Diaries. What was I going to tell them? The bleeding just kept getting worse.
I didn't
sleep at all that night. Between the
cramping and bleeding and all the emotions I was a wreck. Friday morning I called my friend that worked
at the clinic and told her what was going on.
I was still bleeding and could barely stand because the cramps were so
bad. She talked to the Physician
Assistant and then told me to get my butt in there now! Doug had to come get me and we headed to the
clinic. More bloodwork to check my
hemoglobin and a quick exam and I was promptly sent back to where it all
started, the surgery center. I had the
same nurse as when this whole thing started.
She just looked at me and I burst into tears. She helped me change and they gave me
medicine to calm my nerves, pain and stomach...I definately needed at least one
of them. They got my IV started and we
walked back to the OR. I had to state my
name, birthdate and why I was there. I
couldn't get it out, I couldn't say it. Melani Baxter, 10-02-1979 and I'm
having a D&C. Why couldn't I say
it? Tears were streaming down my
face. The anesthesiologist (who I knew
from when I worked at a local coffee shop) said "I know who she is, we are
okay to start." Thank you God,
because if I said it out loud that meant it was really happening. I went under thinking the worst thoughts
possible. What did I do wrong? Is this my fault? Why is this happening to me, to us? And then I woke up, and it was all over. It was official, unnamed Baby Baxter was
gone. I was dismissed to go home home
and recover. I spent all weekend in bed
not talking to anyone. I needed to
process all of it.
Friends
sent flowers and text messages, gave hugs and condolences. I went back to work (probably way too soon)
and tried to move on. I didn't really
talk about what happened for almost a year.
Then it all came out in one giant flood of emotions when a friend's
daughter was having trouble with her pregnancy.
I needed that. I needed the flood gates to open and all those emotions
to come to the surface again. The fear
of finding out I was pregnant. The
excitment of when it all finally sank in.
The disblief of finding out I would never meet our baby. The guilt of thinking I had done something
wrong. The anger, pain, betrayal,
empitness etc...
We all
know that after a good storm we see a rainbow.
A sign of a new start, of good things to come and a true gift from
God. In March 2013 we got our "rainbow"
baby. Layla was born and the hole in my
heart left from my miscarriage began to fill.
I will always hold a special place in my heart for the children that I
lost (the one so many years ago and the one only 6 years ago), but I know now
that I did nothing wrong. For whatever
reason those trials were meant to carve me into the parent I am today. And I now understand those song lyrics so
much more than I thought I ever would.
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